from: KEN KUBE
reply-to: mr_ken@mail.ru
to:
date: 13 July 2008 20:46
subject: FROM: Mr. Ken Kube.

FROM: Mr. Ken Kube.
Good Day,
Please Read.
My name is Mr Ken Kube, I’m the credit officer in International Credit Bank Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.
I have a business proposal in the tune of $5.5m, (Five Million Five hundred Thousand only) after the successful transfer; we shall share in ratio of 40% for you and 60% for me.
Should you be interested, please contact me through my private email (mr_ken@mail.ru) so we can commence on all arrangements and I Will give you more information on how we would handle this project.
Please treat this business with utmost confidentiality and send me the
Following information:
(1) Full names:
(2) Private phone number:
(3) Current residential address:
(4) Occupation:
(5) Age and Sex:
Kind Regards,
Mr. Ken Kube.
Note: Strictly reply through my private email account if interest is shown.

This is my reply:

from: Andrew Taylor
to: mr_ken@mail.ru
date: 13 July 2008 22:20
subject: Re: FROM: Mr. Ken Kube.

2008/7/13 KEN KUBE <mr_ken35@biz.by>:

FROM: Mr. Ken Kube.
Good Day,
Please Read.
My name is Mr Ken Kube,

No, it isn’t. Don’t be ridiculous.

That didn’t get a response.

Fist, this fantastically silly story from the Telegraph:

Satanist father and Christian mother fight for Sunday morning custody rights

Kristie Meyer has cited the religious beliefs of her former husband, Jamie, as the main reason why an Indiana judge should restrict his visitation rights. … However, legal experts have warned that the American Constitution prevents judges from showing a religious preference. …Mr Meyer may now be asked to prove that Satanism, which he says is about celebrating man’s desires rather than worshipping the devil, is a real faith.

Sounds to me like an eminently sensible faith, compared at least to Christianity.

Meanwhile, legal observers say his former wife may have to show that Satanism - which is recognised as a religion by the US Internal Revenue Service - is harmful to their daughters’ upbringing. Mrs Meyer has argued that her ex-husband’s public expression of satanic beliefs has embarrassed their children.

Can you really legislate on the basis that parents mustn’t embarrass their children?

Pat Roberts, her lawyer, has asked the judge to order Mr Meyer to drop off the children at his ex-wife’s church so they can attend with her during his visitation time. “Frankly, (it) can be emotionally damaging or confusing to children when they’re faced with these two different forms of worship,” Mr Roberts told the Chicago Tribune.

Yes, if you go around exposing children to alternative viewpoints, the indoctrination might not work. Honestly, I can’t see any other way of reading this.

… “Allowing them to go to church for a couple of hours on a Sunday morning is… not unreasonable.”

I think it is, but probably for a different reason. I hope that reason prevails in this case, and honestly I think it will.

Also, in case you missed it, here’s a comic I drew at Ghost Hamster.

Now, below the fold, some replies I sent to 419-scammers which the scammers did not respond to.

From: joanna_benz44@yahoo.com.hk
To: joanna_benz@yahoo.com

Greetings!

I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirm able Bank Draft of $800.000.00 United States Dollars, but I did not hear from you since that time. Then I went and deposited the Draft with TNT COURIER SERVICE, West Africa, I travelled out of the country for some Months Course and I will not come back till the end of September.

What you have to do now is to contact the TNT COURIER SERVICE as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because of the expiring date. For your information,I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country. You are advice to contact the courier services immediatey

Again, I would have paid for the Security Keeping fee but they refused because they said they don’t know when you will contact them and in case of demur rage. You have to contact the TNT COURIER SERVICE now for the delivery of your Draft with this information, All you have to do is contact or furnish TNT COURIER SERVICE with your identification for verification of the details there in their office: send them the following details

Names in full, ………….
Residential Address ……………
Telephone number, ……….

Contact Person: Mr. James Collins
Email Address: tnt_courierservices1@hotmail.com
Telephone:+234-803-296-6083

Contact them there and know when the Draft will get to your address, Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $285.00 US Dollars for their immediate action.

You should also let me know through email as soon as you receive your Draft.

Yours Faithfully,
Mrs. Joanna Benz

I replied

Mrs Benz

Are you sure it’s safe to contact a TNT courier? That sounds dangerous to me. What if it goes off?

Andrew

She ignored me.

From: donotreply@worldheinekenlottry.com
To: donotreply@worldheinekenlottry.com

HEINEKEN PROMOTIONAL GAMES
#54 SCHOOL GATE PLACE,STAMFORD BRIDGE,
LONDON,SW1V 3DW.
UNITED KINGDOM.

“Heineken Light Champions” Promotion Notification.

Dear Winner,

This is to inform you of the Award of Five Hundred Thousand Great Britain Pounds Sterling (£500,000 GBP) from Heineken Beer Company Promotions.

This promotional award is to raise the profile of Heineken beer males and females consumers aged 18 to 85 in rural and urban areas to support their spirit of Sportsmanship.

This promotion programme was successful through the help of our online built email lists which were generated through the World Wide Web (www) and Microsoft Network.

This promotion takes place annually to challenge and to take market shares from the popular Dutch import beer Heineken.

In this programme, the tactics includes live events, local campaigns and general buzz to establish the brand one neighborhood relationship at a time in major urban / rural areas to support the spirit of Sportsmanship.
Your Email falls within our United Kingdom booklet representative’s office.

In view of this, your award of Five Hundred Thousand Great Britain Pounds Sterling (£500,000 GBP) will be released to you by our offshore payment office in United Kingdom.

You are to contact your claim agent immediately upon the receipt of this email notification.

Dr. Maxwell Duke
London, United Kingdom
drmaxwellduke@worldheinekenlottery.com
Tel: + 44 704 578 4961

Your award verification number is: heineken/014/4474/08, Verification Pin Code: 001144UK.

You are to contact your claim agent with your above verification number and pin code for the release of your award.

Your claim agent will commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him.

Congratulations

Yours in service,

Mrs. Mary White
Promotional Secretary

Note: Do not reply directly to this email, contact your claim agent for release process.

I replied:

Dear Dr Duke,

This promotion is a good idea. Heineken currently has a poor profile here. Just a thought, though: have you tried making the beer taste better? It’s not cheap or widespread enough to compete with Fosters or Carling, but it’s not really nice enough to compete with Stella or Staropramen.

Also the branding and advertising doesn’t have a consistent message or feel to it. I’m surprised you even have £500,000 to give away.

Andrew

I got no answer.

from: Leon A Furchtgott (leonf@Princeton.EDU)
reply-to: rkelly2020@googlemail.com
to:
date: 10 May 2008 16:50
subject: COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON
mailed-by: princeton.edu (yes, I told them)

MR RICHARD KELLY
LONDON,UNITED KINGDOM.
EMAIL : krichy3333@aim.com

Dear Friend,

I am Mr. Richard Kelly, the Auditor General, Capital management solutions Limited UK. In the course of my auditing, I discovered a floating fund in an account which was opened in 1990 belonging to a dead foreigner Late Mr. H.K. Dravids who died in 1999. Every effort made to track any member of his family or next of kin has since failed; hence I got in contact with you to stand as his next of kin since he died leaving no heir or a will.

My intention is to transfer this sum of $15.5M in the aforementioned account to a safe account overseas. I am therefore proposing that you quietly partner with me and provide an account or set up a new one that will serve the purpose of receiving this fund. For your assistance in this venture, I am ready to part with 30% of the entire funds to you. After going through the deceased person’s records and files, I discovered that:

(1) No one has operated this account since 1999

(2) He died without an heir; hence the money has been floating.

(3) No other person knows about this account and there was no known beneficiary.

If I do not remit this money urgently, it would be forfeited and subsequently converted to company’s funds which will benefit only the directors of my firm. This money can be approved to you legally as with all the necessary documentary approvals in your name. However, you would be required to show some proof of claim which I will provide you with and also guide you on how to make your applications.

Please do give me a reply so that I can send you detailed information on the modalities of my proposition.Kindly forward your telephone and fax numbers where I can reach you easily. I look forward to your prompt response through my confidential email address krichy3333@aim.com

Regards,

MR.RICHARD KELLY

Wow! An email from R. Kelly! And he seems unconcerned about his recent legal problems.

Thankyou for your kind compliments of the season. It is rare to hear the phrase in May, so I assume you are, like me, a follower of Shazanity, the One True Faith*, in which case, may I wish you cackarrations on this fine fendality contilant festival.

Which denomination are you?

Andrew

_______________________
*may not be true

Oh my, the spell checker didn’t like that one bit.

Dear Andrew,

I must thank you for your quick response to my proposal to you, it shows seriousness and I am delighted by it. The late Account Holder was born and raised in the United States . Please note that I am doing this transaction based on my moral justification and I believe that you will understand my position after reading through this mail. As this transaction is of high magnitude, I would want to properly and formally introduce myself to you. I am 46 years of age; I am married with two children, one lovely daughter and a son. I have worked with this firm as an auditor for 11 years. Presently I am the head of the auditing department, a position I occupy since 2000.

Already the deceased account has been declared dormant and by the end of this financial year, the funds could be declared as unclaimed or abandoned and therefore converted to company’s funds. This automatically will be shared amongst the owners [directors and share holders] of my company who are looking out for this kind of opportunities. Similar things have been happening in the past and now that I am well placed, it is hard for me to continue to allow it happen without doing a thing about it. Part of my motive is to spend more than half of my personal share after these funds are wired to your account on real estate and stock market. I can assure you that with the way I have planned this transaction, we can never have any kind of problems during and after this transaction. I will not like to put my name and family name in jeopardy and cannot think of loosing all that I have worked for instead, I would prefer to remain a poor man. I have studied your country’s laws regarding funds transfer of this nature and I can say that it is not a problem as long as we are able to provide your bank and Government authorities documents to prove that the funds are legitimate.

Let me explain the step by step procedures of this transaction so that you may have a better understanding. For us to affect this, you will stand in as the next of kin to the deceased. You will send in an application to the Head of International Remittance Division of my company that your entitlement be paid to you as the next of kin to deceased. Once approval is given, you will be contacted directly for them to process and effect transfer. Once an order for transfer has been given, I will take a leave of absence and travel down to meet with you in your country for my share. I have all the details of deceased as I have access to his confidential file in the office.

I view you to be in the capacity of a person that will be able to handle your own end of this project as I can not successfully conclude this deal without your assistance. It is therefore necessary that you tell me a little about yourself as I hope that you would not betray me. As for Trust, it is known fact that trusts is earned; it is not given out lightly. However, because I need you in this transaction, I am willing to give you 30% as your commission,by this forward the following information;

1) Full names and address

2) Telephone and fax numbers you can be reached at all times

3) Any valid Identification

The modalities for our project have been worked out carefully and we cannot go wrong as long as you work with me in unity. I am very positive that our success is highly dependent on how much dedication we have towards this project. Please my direct involvement in this transaction should not be mentioned to anybody that would be contacting you from my company else it will jeopardize this transaction. Upon the commencement of this transaction, you will be expected to make all direct communications with the Head of the International Fund Remittance Department of my company, while I will be behind the scene to tell you what to do and say.

With your full support  we will pull this through within 14 working days. I look forward to hearing from you so I can send you a copy of an application that you would send to my company.

Truly yours,

Richard Kelly

R. Kelly,

I am interested by this venture.

Can I just ask one question: is this venture kankhakkad under Shazan Rhantactic law? I’d love to go ahead with this but I need this assurance. I don’t care about the unjust national laws but my religion is specious and very important to me.

Andrew

Dear Andrew

Even though I real don’t understand what you mean but I think it is since you believe in the religion.So i await the necessary information I asked you for.

Richard Kelly

R. Kelly,

I am glad that this venture is kankhakkad. This is a great relief to me and means I can help you.

Please could you provide me with the stantantach, blessed by a holy Moggonite, so that I can verify the kankhakkadance?

I am sorry for this, but it is important to me.

Andrew

And he never got back to me. Damn him.

from: Doreen Brown (doreen_brown0@yahoo.co.in)
reply-to: doreenbrown0@gmail.com
to: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
date: 8 May 2008 16:01
subject: ENDEAVOUR

Dear Friend ,

Brief Introduction, Am Mrs Doreen Brown, 40years old, a citizen of United Kingdom , Secretary to Engr. Edward Bill, Uni Diamonds Inc London UK ..

I am soliciting for a dependable individual who will be able to handle multiple-tasks and will be well disposed towards work, with whom I can transact a well profitable business. Presently I have been assigned on a project to search for a product called CRYSTALLITE MULTI-CLEANSER-xhg.

The Crystallite multi-cleanser-xhg is a new scientific chemical fluid substance manufactured in North Korea , is of lubricant mainly used in the Gemological Laboratory for the purification of diamonds, clarity treatment, its penetrate deep into diamond and vaporizes out black inclusion in diamonds and other precious stones listed below:-

(1)both blue and colorless)

(2)Mr. Clay Wilson president.Since 1977 Uni Diamonds Inc.

This product are rare and in high demand here in Britain, though not long it came to existence, it was introduce to our Company by a Chinese friend, Mrs. Liz Wong, a gemologist in Canada, who gave me a sample for text on my last visit to Canada.
In a moment, I have searched to a conclusive point, that this said product are specifically found in the Asian Regions in which We can purchase a large amount for supply, at an affordable price in Taiwan and Malaysia by a reputable dealer.

The management of Uni Diamond has being mandated to come over to Asia to purchase the product mentioned above, but the issue right now is that I need the correspondence of a reliable partner just as I said earlier on, who will stand as the distributor.
The actual selling price from the dealers in Asia is (GBP £1,500) per pack-equivalent (USD $2,829.00), While is sold here in Britain at the rate of (GBP £3,500) to Gemological Companies.

Meanwhile I don,t want our marketing manager to go directly to the dealers, because I have quoted the cost to be (GBP £2,700), per pack-equivalent (USD $5,092.00) and the management agreed with the offered price.

My appeal to you is for your assistance, to get the product from the dealers then sale to our Company at the stipulated price as stated above, thereafter the profit will be shared base on percentage.

The management is willing to purchase (Minimum of 15packs and maximum of 30packs) huge profit. Well it will be my pleasure to handle this transaction with you, note that the transaction will continue pending on your co-operation towards this first deal.

Best Regards,

Mrs Doreen Brown

Of course I was thrilled.

Doreen Brown! Wow, I’m such a huge fan! I loved the thing you did where you got that guy to dream something then built it around him only it was real. How did you do that? Is it all just faked?

Andrew

419 scammers do not listen to me.

Dear Andrew Taylor,

In response to your question, the Crystallite multi-cleanser-xhg is a new scientific chemical fluid substance manufactured in North Korea , it’s of lubricant mainly used in the Gemological Laboratory for the purification of diamonds, clarity treatment, it penetrates deep into diamond and vaporizes out black inclusion in diamonds and other precious stones.
The supplier is currently living in Malaysia. I am leaking this secret to you for our mutual benefit. It’s a deal. The actual selling price from the dealer in Asia is GBP £1,500 per pack-equivalent USD $2,829.00, While it’s sold here in Britain at the rate of GBP £3,500 to Gemological Companies.

Meanwhile I don’t want our marketing manager to go directly to the dealers, because I have quoted the cost to be GBP £2,700, per pack-equivalent USD $5,092.00 and the management agreed with the offered price.

Having said much, base on how i got your contact and other relevant information about you,it was when i was making a rigoriuos inquiry about a competent and trust worthy personality in your country as a result of my quest i found out that your personality could be deemed necessary to carry out this deal diplomatically.However feel free to ask whatever you consider being asked.

All I need from you is to raise some capital and secure the product from the seller before the arrival of the Purchasing Manager. I will give you contact details of the seller if you indicate your interest in this business.
I intend to be a sole distributed of the company after my resignation comes December this year and would want us to work as partners in future.

Thanks for understanding and anticipated maximum cooperation.

Best Regards,

Mrs Doreen Brown

Her variety of fonts is clearly impressive.

Hi Doreen,

That’s amazing.

Is the $2829 in banknotes, or that funny blank money you used that time? I loved that the jewellers took it but that hot dog seller didn’t. That was great.

Andrew

I never got a reply. I can only suppose that I wasn’t suggestible enough for her trick to work.

Now, to go and dig up the second one…

Monday (May 12th)

Attn :

My Friend With a very desperate need for assistance, I have summed up courage to contact you. I am from (will disclose this later),presently working in Iraq with an international organisation that I will also disclose later, I found your contact particulars in an address journal. I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of (US$8.523 Million Dollars) Eight Million five Hundred Thousand And Twenty Three Dollars to your country or any other safe country of your choice, as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care untill I complete my service here,this is no stolen money, and there are no dangers involved. SOURCE OF MONEY: Some money in various currencies was discovered concealed in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunitions at a location near one of Saddam,s old palaces during a rescue operation, and it was agreed by all party present that the money be shared amongst us, this was quite an illegal thing to do, but I tell you what? no compensation can make up for the risks we have taken with our lives in this hell hole. The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a German contact working here, and his office enjoys some immunity, I was able to get the package out to a safe cation entirely out of trouble spot. He does not know the real contents of the package, and believes that it belongs to an Asian/American who died in an air raid, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his business associate. I have now found a secured way of getting the package out to a safer country for you to pick up, and will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me. One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter with a third party, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please destroy this mail as any leakage of this information will be too bad for us. I do not know for how long we will remain here, and I have survived 2 suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God, this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help, I honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately. Please contact me as soon as possible.

Regards,

Mr Richard Atwater

I have my morals.

Thankyou for your letter.

It found me in a mood which I will disclose later. I feel it’s my moral duty to point out to you that in strict point of fact this money is stolen — stealing from Saddam Hussein is still stealing.

However, I would like to help you, in a way which I will also disclose later.

Andrew

Wednesday

He doesn’t read his mail.

I am waiting for your urgent response please, I dont have all the time in the world to wait for you, Please i need to know what your intentions are as soon as possible, Please try and reply this mail urgentely otherwise ,i shall consider you unserious to work with me.And go ahead with somebody else as soon as possible. Read my previous mail and get back to me asap,.

Thanks

Mr Richard,

Nor do I, though.

Sunday

Mr Richard,

Thankyou for your response. I should like to help you with your plan, however I am still waiting for your urgent response which I shall discloes later please.

Andrew

Monday

Dear Andrew,

I am not surprised that you have expressed surprise over this transaction., But please be rest assured that this is an opportunity that came to both of us to be confortble in life., Please all i need from you is to make sure that you adhere to my instructions while i register the package to your name, I will register the package to your name once i receive your informations, To register the package you have to send the following informations.,

Your Name and address.

Your phone and fax numbers,

Scan your passport copy.

And for my own perusal , i would like to see the picture page of your international passport. to protect my own share of the money.

Please i am assuring you that this transaction shall be concluded without any problem, You have to be constant on your e-mail to see my mail on daily basis, I shall register the package with the following informations to your name as the owner of the package and shall send it through the diplomats , Please i will be informing you on every step i take here until the package gets to you.,

Try and read my mails carefully .

I will give you more informations once i receive your reply.

Thanks

Mr Richard.

At this point, I really couldn’t be bothered.

Mr Richard

I do not want this email to come as a surprise to you. My name is Andrew, please, urgently I shall disclose later. I shall not be able to scan my passport until Wednesday at the earliest, but I shall do so urgently and please.

I please urgently to assure you that please package opportunity surprise urgently which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

That didn’t put him off. Something tells me he wasn’t paying that much attention in the first place…

Tuesday

Dear Mahbubur Rahman

Please all i need from you is to make sure that you adhere to my instructions while i register the package to your name,I will register the package to your name once i receive your informations, To register the package you have to send the following informations.,

Scan your passport copy.And for my own perusal , i would like to see the picture page of your international passport. to protect my own share of the money.

Please And were are you from….???

Richard

And then,

Dear Andrew

Thank you very much for your urgent reply to my proposal,Sorry for my late reply to your mail. Please this transaction may look risky to your perception but i can assure you that you dont have anything to fear, I am Mr Richard Atwater from Florida USA, but presentely in in Iraq as the leader of the area C camp of peace keeping United Nations troops, Though i have retired as a militry officer but i am here as a leader,

The transaction is that we have discovered some huge amount of money here in Iraq in defferent places but we have tendered a very reasonable amount back to the people of Iraq and the United nations who we are working for and we have kept that small amount,We have newspaper published site to proof this , here is the site, click it to read more about us here in Iraq. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm.

Now all i want is for you to work with me to transfer this money outside here in Iraq, The money has been package in box as a diplomatic package but a united Nations diplomatic flight bringing relief materials to Victims of war here in Iraq and the director of the Diplomatic company has accepted to assist me take the package away as package without anybody knowing the content so all i need is to front your name as the owner of the package before taken it out so that you can be the beneficiary to receive the package out there and keep it safe until i come out of this place to meet you for the sharing of the fund,This transaction will be 100% percent risk free because i have to meet a lawyer todayI have been able to submmit your infor to him because without the lawyer we cant get this money out see my pic and my passport i will be waiting to heat from you soon were are you from????? you need to scan you passport to me

Mr Richard Atwater.

This email had the following fantastic attachment:

I love the box on the right. Who’d stash loot in that? That’s where you keep you least-favourite old plates in your garage. Hoping it will flood.

Mr Richard,

Please, urgently find attached a photo of my passport, which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

I know what you’re thinking: it’s harsh to send these people such eminently plausible documents and then mock them for not noticing the forgery. But look, it doesn’t have the little hologrammy bit. He should have spotted that.

Wednesday

He still isn’t really trying.

Pls Were are you from..?

I mean, the trunk box picture was great, but that was rubbish.

Please I am urgently from Great Britain, which I shall disclose later.

Friday

There is a little development here, I have been able to submmit your passport at the bank to file in as the next of ken but there is a little problem that came up, I need to get an attorney here to sign some approval documents on my behalf at the bank here before the release of the money to us,i dont wish to transfer the whole money to state i need to divide the money two place, s I dont believe in puting my ages in one basket so back there in the state if there is any question about the origin of the money in state it wont be all the money, i shall visit you first , ,How do you see the idea, Please bring in your own suggestions please,Also the little problem is that a banker here intruduced me to one lawyer to come and sign for me at the bank but the lawyer is sounding crazy, He said that i will give him $3500, to be able to sign out the money ,.And dont have enough money with me now This is just the problem we i have now , Once the lawyers sign for me the money will be released, But i need to pay him first before he signs, You know lawyers and their policy ,Please what is your suggestion, I dont have enough money here,. How do we raise this money now?

I am waiting please,

Ah, the scam proper is starting. How to get money. How, how, how…

Mr Richard,

Please, have you urgently considered a sponsored silence?

Your urgently,

Andrew

Saturday

I dont have enough money with me now This is just the problem we i have now , Once the lawyers sign for me the money will be released, But i need to pay him first before he signs, You know lawyers and their policy ,Please what is your suggestion, I dont have enough money here,. How do we raise this money now?

How Much do you have with you Let me see what it can do?

Richard

He’s copy-pasting! The hack!

Mr Richard

Please, urgently pass on my regards to Mr Judy. You know lawyers and their policy.

Please, have you urgently considered taking out a small loan to cover this fee and repaying it with the funds so released, which I shall disclose later? This is just the problem we i have now.

Andrew

Sunday

How do we raise this money now? what do you mean by loan ..? How Much do you have with you Let me see what it can do?

Richard

I don’t think this guy could reliably pass a Turing test… If he could, he’s in the Canny Valley, where it’s plain he’s human because nobody would produce a computer to simulate him.

Mr Richard,

Please, have you urgently considered a cake sale? That’s what they always do when the local church is low on funds, which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

Monday

What are you saying i asked you How much can you send let me see what i can do ..??/

Poor guy.

Mr Richard

Please, I urgently have 47p. I could mail it to you if you would like, although I’d have to buy a stamp, which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

The subject line to all his emails for a while after this was “Wester Union”. Wester than what, I wonder.

Dear Mr Andrew

i just talked to the lawyer on the phone and he said that he wants the payment to be made in vietnam .. he mean that you should go to wester union and send it to this adderss that he is ready to help us out

Name…. NNOLI KINGSLEY

CITY..Ho Chi Minh

Country, Viet Nam

Hunny this is the infor and as soon as you get the money sent… try and mail me the MATCH NUMBER…. OKAY Use to send the money… www.westernunion.com

And then,

Dear Mr Andrew

We Need to be fast about This.. Try and send the money today with the infor i give you and mail me the M.T.C.N number and the sender Full name

i am waiting try and update the lawyer today use Wester Union to send the money

Richard

But it didn’t work! (I really tried it.)

Mr Richard,

Please, urgently the website said there was an error, which I shall disclose later:

Amount to send cannot be less than £1.00.

Please, how can I urgently fix this?

Andrew

Tuesday

Go to wester union and send it or any of the bank in ur city ask them about wester union ….. and send the money there

Name…. NNOLI KINGSLEY

CITY..Ho Chi Minh

Country, Viet Nam

Hunny this is the infor and as soon as you get the money sent… try and mail me the MATCH NUMBER…. OKAY

Why doesn’t he listen to me? How does he expect me to send him my money if he doesn’t listen? Moron.

Please, urgently, the bank says I can’t send something they call “piddling small change” internationally. What should I urgently do, please?

Yours, which I shall disclose later,

Andrew

No matter how reasonable my explanation, he just thinks I’m delaying. And I’m not — I’m never going to send him any money. That’s why this is annoying.

Why are you taking time to send this money go to http://www.moneygram.com/index.htm and send this money

Name…. NNOLI KINGSLEY

CITY..Ho Chi Minh

Country, Viet Nam

RANDOM PURPLE EMAIL!

Go to money gram and send the money with the infor i give you.. as soon as you get the money sent get me the m.t.c.n number and the sender full name … Be frist about This the lawyer is waiting.. i dont know why you are taking time to send this money…..

Are you playing with this or what…??? if i may ask becuaes i dont see why you cant go to wester union and send money to vietnam ?

Richard

I’m being as frist as I can without knowing what it means.

Please, I urgently went there and asked them “please, urgently send this money which I shall disclose later” but they keep saying it’s not worth sending 47p by Western Union. They talk as if it isn’t important, or like I am just playing a game with them, which I shall disclose later!

Andrew

And finally he listens!

You have to try and make the money $300 we need to make this work out….. if you have it go there and send it with the infor i gave you 47p is a too poor

and get back to me fast Okay

Richard

Kind of.

Please, wouldn’t that urgently require me to find a bureau de change with an exchange rate of $638.30/£? The highest I’ve found is $1.86/£. That’s not enough, which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

Wednesday

Well go and send whatever you can … and get me the infor as soon as you get the money sent… i am waiting i dont know why you are taking time on this …

make sure you send whatever you can today and dont fail

Richard

And then I checked my sofa.

Please, I urgently managed to find another 14p, which I shall disclose later. This brings the total up to an urgent 61p, but the bank still says they won’t send that amount.

Please, what should I urgently do?

Andrew

Why, find another 39p, of course!

you have to try and make it up to what they can send Okay and get back to be frist we dont have much time on This anymore be fast about what you doing…

Richard

And that was when I had my imaginary brainwave…

Please, I have urgently arranged to appear on Cash In The Attic to raise the money, which I shall disclose later. You can read more about it here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cash_in_the_Attic
http://www.bbc.co.uk/showsandtours/beonashow/shows/attic.shtml

They say they will urgently film it in a few days, so please I will have the money then, which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

Of course he had his own cunning plan. But mine was better.

Dont you have a friend you can get some money from and tell him that you would pay back dont you have family.. go to them ask them tell them yo would pay back ……. and i also want t o know if you really wanna want us to make this work out you are taking time so much… here is my passport check it out and have more believe of what we are doing here….. be fast and get the money the bank can send you cant lose anything so whatever you send we get more then that….. i would like to let you know dont tell anyone about what we are doing here out there… its has to beween us here and that is all untill everthing is okay

Wow! His middle name is Merlin!

Please, urgently your passport has expired. It says it expires on “2 Jan 07″ which, as I shall reveal later, is well over a year ago.

Andrew

…unless you’re Peter Petrelli, of course. (”14th July 2008? This is next week!“)

yes expired i have a new date on the one i have with me here now its would expired 2009 my passport is not what we are talking about here Okay…. How far have you gon buy geting the money…? dont you have any family or friends to ask we have to make his work out ????

No, I still prefer my idea.

Mr Richard,

Please, urgently my friends and family do not want to lend me money, as last time they did I could not repay them as my investment opportunity turned out to be one of those scam emails you hear so much about.

I think my best hope is urgently Cash In The Attic, unless you think I would do better on Duel. Please, the prizes are higher on Duel, but we only need a few hundred dollars, and Cash In The Attic has a better likelihood of urgently winning a small amount like that.

It’s all about the mathematics, which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

And he’ll come round…

Try your best if you get the money get back to me

richard

Thursday

The lawyer just called me That why are we taking time on this.. i told him what is going that you dont have that much money that you are trying to get some money that when you get it you will get back to me …

Be fast about whatever you are doing to get the money and once you get it go to wester union and send it get me the M.T.C.N number

i would be waiting to hear a Good news from you

Richard

But I didn’t have a good news.

Mr Richard,

Unfortunately I do not have that much money urgently available. Please, I have heard from the people at Leopard Films, who urgently produce Cash In The Attic. I have been selected and the first day filming will urgently be either tomorrow or Saturday. After that will be a second day’s filming at an auction house which I shall disclose later, when we will know how much money I will get.

I hope you can urgently wait that long. Otherwise I will need a new plan — suggestions?

Andrew

Friday

Okay i heard what you said But when are you sure you will get this money becuaes we dont have to take too much time on this you know what this money is all about i told you the frist day….

Richard

I have some limited experience with TV. I chose to ignore it and make shit up.

Mr Richard,

Please, the filming has urgently been brought forwards and is to start today. The camera crew are already here, and there are those funny silvery umbrella-lights outside my house, which I shall disclose later.

I can’t believe it. It’s so exciting! And urgent! Please!

I hope I have some good stuff in my loft!

I haven’t been up there in ages because of the ghost.

Andrew

You think ghosts will put him off?

Mr Richard,

Please, omigod! Jenny Bond is here! Jenny actual Bond! In my actual house! Urgently! She’s actually met the actual Queen, which I shall disclose later! The QUEEN!

This is AMAZING! I have a good feeling about this! I feel sure that with Jenny Bond on hand, we’ll urgently find enough lots to get the money.

Andrew

That’s right, for the purposes of this scambait I am appearing on Cash In The Attic circa 2005. Is that a problem?

Mr Richard!

Please, that was great! We just urgently filmed the little “hello” bit where Jenny Bond comes to the house and surprises me (only it wasn’t really a surprise as I knew she was coming) and it was amazing! Jenny actual Bond said she liked my hair, which I shall disclose later. And she’s seen the QUEEN’S hair! With a CROWN ON!

We’re doing the looking-for-things-to-sell-to-raise-money bit this afternoon! Please!

Andrew

The QUEEN!

Mr Richard!

Please, I was going to send you a long email just now about how nice Paul Hayes is, but I’ve got to go and urgently reshoot a bit where I point at the big clock in my living room so they can do a close-up shot. Very exciting, which I shall disclose later.

Got to go — email later!

Andrew!

For some reason I don’t think he’s sharing my glee.

Pls Be fast about whatever you are doing to get some money and once you get it go to the wester union and send it with the infor i gave you Okay

dont take to long about this

Richard

No matter. Must press on with the filming.

Mr Richard,

Please, this will still take a while. I am currently and urgently having my lunch, while Jenny Bond is recording no

ddies in my garden. The sun has gone in since we filmed the interview so they’ve got all the umbrella-lights turned up really high and it still looks silly. I’ll try to keep updating you on progress during the afternoon, which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

I thought perhaps he’d be more excited with a visual aid…

Mr Richard,

Please, I have urgently drawn you a picture of me and Jenny Bond, which I have attached to this email and shall disclose later. I drew her wearing a crown because she has met the real-life Queen. She’s holding a vase and I’m holding a box, because those are the kinds of things I imagine we might find in my house this afternoon. We are both smiling because we are happy. Jenny Bond is happier than me because she is wearing a crown. Do you like my picture?

I’ll let you know what items we find to sell later.

Andrew

But no.

i dont have time for all this find the money and send it

Still, can’t hurry these things. Unless…

Mr Richard,

The afternoon filming will be soon, which I shall disclose later. Then I have to wait for the boot sale challenge bit on Sunday to get the money. Please, is that soon enough?

If you need it urgently, I suppose I could kidnap Jenny Bond and demand a ransom? Should I do that? If you tell me to do that then I will.

Andrew

Best not, eh?

Mr Richard,

Please, I have not received your urgent response in 2 hours, and so I have chosen not to kidnap Jennie Bond at this time. I will have another chance to kidnap her on the second day’s filming, sometime this weekend, which I shall disclose later.

In my house, we found a vase, which Jonty Hearnden (yes, that’s his real name!) is worth about £65 — that’s nothing like enough, but a good start. We also found a large metal trunk case containing the sum of (US $4.2615 Million Dollars) Four Million two Hundred Thousand And Sixty One Dollars And Fifty Cents, which expert Paul Hayes says might sell for as much as £200. That would give us the full $300, so fingers crossed!

Please, should I proceed with the filming, or try to urgently kidnap Jennie Bond?

Andrew

Saturday

Go to wester union and send whatever you have get. i m waiting we dont have time to take on this anymore …. be fast do you still have the infor i give you to use to send the money by wester union…??

send it on time

Richard

I don’t think he understands how Cash In The Attic works.

Mr Richard,

We urgently went to the boot sale but, and the vase got more than we were expecting — it sold for $80. That’s about $150. The trunk of money didn’t come through for us, though — Jonty Hearnden re-valued it at four million dollars, and nobody bought it at that price. Eventually, it was getting towards the end of the day and we could only sell it by cutting the price to $100. Someone got a good deal there, which I shall disclose later. Anyway, that only gave us $250, so I shot the experts and hit Jennie Bond on the back of the head with a drawer inlay from a period dressing table. I stole one of the cameras, which I shall disclose later, and filmed myself binding her hands with the string from pricetags of unsold items and bundling her into the boot of my car. Then I spoke to the camera, please, demanding the sum of $50 (plus expenses) for her safe return, left the camera, with the tape (still rolling) and drove off into the night.

Hopefully the Queen has that much money somewhere. Please, I know her house is full of expensive stuff, but she can’t really sell any of it because I have the presenter of Cash in the Attic tied up in my car boot. I suppose they could get someone else to present it — after all, urgently meeting Jennie Bond is a thrill for me but must be pretty mundane for the Queen — but it just wouldn’t be the same at all.

I’ll let you know if I get the last $50.

Andrew

As if you could replace Jennie Bond with anyone. You’d need some kind of a… untalented hack, or something.

Thank you for the mail once you get the full money let me know and dont take time on geting it pls we have no time the lawyer is waiting for us to come uup with the money so that we can take the box away to your place …..

Richard

Sunday (June 1st)

Guy make you go day write me agein Okay if you day look for work no be me go give you work

I decided it was time to just be honest.

Mr Richard,

Sorry, I have no idea at all what that message meant.

Andrew

He seems less interested now that I’m not on TV. Except possibly the news.

What is going On the lawyer is still mad at me that why are we taking time on this

But if ghosts don’t put him off, that won’t put me off.

Mr Richard,

Please, the Queen is refusing to pay the $50 for Jennie Bond’s release, which I shall disclose later. She says she will not negotiate with terrorists. I explained to her aide that I am not a terrorist I am an Anglican but she didn’t change her mind. I have also urgently sent the ransom demand to her fan club http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/jenniebond/ and they are less principled. They have started a whip-round to try to raise the money, and Jennie Bond has urgently agreed to do a special interview with them if they can please secure her release. I am quite excited. So far they have raised $3.27 and an AOL CD, which I shall disclose later. I said I didn’t want this but they want to give me everything they can to try to make me release her. It will not work, please I only need money, and maybe another vase to sell, although the value will go down if I flood the market.

Meanwhile, the police are closing in on me. I hope to have the money before they find me, then I can urgently release Jennie Bond. Hopefully she will have Stockholm syndrome and refuse to press charges, which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

Monday

Go to wester union use the infor i give you and send whatever you have with you right now i am waiting for you to update me when you get back now

I mean, I try and I try and I just get nothing back. Nothing.

Mr Richard,

Unfortunately, the police have frozen my assets to prevent me from accepting urgent ransom payments, which I shall disclose later. I’d forgotten they could do that. This means I can’t access my $250. I have urgently upped the ransom to $300, and I must find an accomplice to send it for me as I cannot use my account. I have sent an email out to a lot of random strangers asking for their help please, and have promised them some of the money in the trunks as reward. This will naturally come out of your share, please.

I have instructed them that it is urgent and confidential, and that I will disclose more details later.

Andrew

Is he onto me?

Are you playing Games with me or what … what kind of person are i said give it to whoever you can to send it for you the lawyer is waiting for us to come up with the money so be fast and send the money on time

Richard

Playing games is a good idea…

Mr Richard,

I have urgently narrowed my choice of Accomplice down to 12 possible candidates. To decide which is th

e most trustworthy, I have divided them into two teams and set them the task of creating and marketing their own brand of fast-food sandwich please. Whichever team loses, one of that team will be fired, and so on until I have my Accomplice — at which point you will immediately receive the money, which I shall disclose later.

Andrew

He is onto me!

Dont care anymore you keep on telling me storys and i cant believe it anymore go to wester union and send whatever you have

USE the infor i gave you okay

Richard

Perhaps I can talk him round…

Mr Richard,

I cannot send you the money because the police froze my assets after I urgently kidnapped former BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond. Please, I need to find an Accomplice, which I shall disclose later.

Team Alpha won the sandwich task, so I fired Raif. Only 11 candidates remain. (This is important — it must be someone I can trust 100%.) Now I have set them a new task: to create an advert for my new brand of wallpaper.

Mr Andrew’s search for his Accomplice goes on.

Andrew

Perhaps,

send someone to do it for you

Perhaps,

Mr Richard,

Please, Team Renaissance won the advertising task, so I have urgently fired Michael. 10 candidates remain. I have set them the task of selling ice to Eskimos, which I shall disclose later.

Mr Andrew’s search for his Accomplice goes on.

Andrew

Perhaps. Tuesday

i d ont know what you are talking aboput just go and send whatever you got okay

He sent that one twice, once without a subject line.

Mr Richard,

The last task was urgently won by Team Alpha because they are easier to spell, so I fired Jenny. Please, 10 candidates remain. Next, I will challenge them to start a skip hire firm.

Mr Andrew’s search for his Accomplice, which I shall disclose later, goes on.

Andrew

Perhaps not.

Hey Dont write me are agein you are not Honest with your words… since you cant send whatever you have dont i need people like you to work with me

richard

I am not honest with my words. Not like Richard Atwater.

But, there are only nine candidates left!

He’s not happy.

i dont know what hell you are talking about This man live pls you cant work with me dont you get that you dont have the money when you get the money sent mail me than

Richard

It’s as if he’s realised I’m just baiting him, but he still thinks I’m going to send money if he just asks enough times. That’s not going to work. He’s not Derren Brown. Derren Brown is Derren Brown.

Well, there are eight candidates now, which I shall disclose later — Said told a customer a lie so I had to fire him. Clearly he could not urgently be trusted. We’ll see who’s best at managing the air-traffic-control at Heathrow. Because the team that loses, one person on that team will be fired.

Please, Mr Andrew’s search for his Accomplice goes on.

Andrew

Wednesday (June 4th)

Mr Richard,

Would you believe it, please, Clare has gone and crashed a bloody plane! Of course I fired her. There are seven candidates remaining, and I have urgently set them the task of writing staging a full-scale west-end musical by tomorrow evening, which I shall disclose later. Whichever team gets the highest box-office gross will be the winner, and whichever team doesn’t will lose, and on that team, one person will be fired.

Mr Andrew’s search for his Accomplice goes on. (Isn’t this exciting?)

Andrew

I think I lost him. Damn. Oh well, it had to end. And he had a the best part of a month, with (at a quick count) 83 emails back and forth. I think that’s a personal record for me. I’ve had relationships that didn’t do that well.

Which probably isn’t a major problem, but the AFA, which I think stands for the American Fundamentalist Assholes, are boycotting them too for “promoting a homosexual agenda”. So Ford are now basically selling to Muslims, Hindus and gay Christians.

The AFA say

Last fall, in a meeting with AFA, Ford agreed to stop funding the homosexual agenda. However, after a group of angry homosexual leaders met with Ford, the company reneged on its agreement and announced that they would continue their commitment to support the effort to legalize homosexual marriage.

Ford even gave the homosexual groups a letter stating Ford’s strong commitment to their cause.

On a recent episode of CBS’s Without A Trace, Ford proved to the homosexual leaders the company’s commitment to their agenda. The Ford-sponsored program included a scene of two lesbians passionately kissing each other.

To see what Ford sponsored, click here. (Warning! This scene is very offensive!)

You know, because we all know companies screen every episode of every show they sponsor and condone every scene therein — and because Without A Trace usually depicts nothing but good Christian behaviour like kidnapping people and killings and so forth. Personally, I clicked their link, and I was indeed shocked:

This is an enquiry e-mail via http://faq.afa.net from:
Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>

I was recently directed to your page about the Ford boycott:

http://www.afa.net/ford0323.asp

There was a link which promised me a video of “two lesbians passionately kissing”. However, when I clicked this link, there was a server error, so I must ask:

How can I see some hot girl-on-girl action?

I didn’t expect a reply, but I got one. And here it is, in its pointless entirety:

Watch as the world turns

My Dear Good Friend,

It is with tears that I am writing this message to you from a hospital bed,

I am Mrs Helen DICKSON. A widow to late Mr. David DICKSON, who worked with Elf Petroleum Company in France for nine years before he died in the year 2002. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $18.5 Million with a Bank in Benin Republic Presently this money is still in the custody of the Bank in Benin Republic.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem, but I know that my doctor is not God. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a Church, Organisation or good person that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein.

I want a Church, Organisation or good person that will use this fund for Orphanages, Widows and other peoples that need help and also propagating the word of God and to endeavours that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that “Blessed is the hand that giveth ” I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians not even good at all because they are the one that are responsible for the death of my husband in other to have all my late husband properties and I don’t want my husband’s effort to be used by those that conspired for his death or for ungodly things.

This is why I am taking this decision, I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosoms of the Lord. Exodus 14 Vs 14 says that “the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace”.
I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presences of my husband’s relatives are around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development and I know that with God all things are possible to those who trust in Him and to those who work by faith. As soon as I received your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank in Benin Republic.

I will also issue a letter of authorization to the bank that will prove you the present beneficiary of this money. I also want you, Church or Organization to always pray for me because the Lord is my only Shephard.

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve Him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful through your life.
The Government normally assist me financially and materially,
after all tranzactions been made, this enable me given more funds.

Contact me on this email address or in hel_dickson@live.fr and any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another good person, church or organization for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hopping to receive your response immediately,

Thanks and Remain blessed in the Lord.
I remain yours sister in Christ.
Mrs Helen DICKSON

They’re always very religious, are 419 scammers, and invariably Christian. Probably because they think it makes them appear trustworthy. This is one of many ways they repeatedly demonstrate how little they know me, although emailing me in the first place is pretty well sufficient for that.

from:    Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
to:    Helen DICKSON <hel_dickson7@yahoo.com>, hel_dickson@live.fr
date:    Sat, May 10, 2008 at 5:23 PM
subject:    Re: MY BELOVED ONE

David Dickson is dead? That’s a tragedy. He will be missed.

Still, though, $18.5 million… That’s a real bobby-dazzler. You could buy a lot of orphans food with that.

I understand chips are cheap.

Andrew

This next message arrived twice, in a giant font:

from:    Helen DICKSON <hel_dickson7@yahoo.com>
to:    Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
date:    Fri, May 16, 2008 at 12:49 PM
subject:    Re: MY BELOVED ONE

My Beloved brother Andrew,

Greetings in the name of our lord and Saviour Jesus Christ

I thank you very much for your concern towards me this period; I pray that the almighty God will bless you abundantly in Jesus name Amen.

Thank you for your reply and sincerity so far and I pray that the almighty GOD will protect you as you set out to help in making sure that these money reach to the less -privileged in the society.

I am very happy despite my painful situations here in this hospital for knowing a faithful true Christian like you who has the true love and fear of the almighty GOD, For I could see Many people unaware of the Right Path of GOD this days of end time.

Sincerely I got your email contact address when I was searching for a person or organizations that will be of a good help to me; as my situations are getting bad each day.

Please I will like to tell you a little detail about my self first and why I decided to do this, and I hope that you will understand me, I have no single fear in telling you all about me, only that you have to see this as a humanity work of GOD that need sincerity, faithfulness, and trust please don’t see it as a chance to make your self rich.

I got married to my late husband about eleven years ago and since then we where living in happiness although that we had no child, until when the wicked world that is full with bad wicked people came with death, then when he is about to die that he called me and make me promise him that I should make sure that this money will be given out to the less privileged and the poor who are suffering in the world, But I did not give this money out according to my late husband wish since then till now that I am very sick to death and I am praying for GOD forgiveness.

Three months after the shock of my husband death I started having pains inside me, I went to the hospital to see my doctor then it was discovered that I have this bad and dangerous sickness, which since then I had undergone various medical test and operations just to see if I can safe my life but (ooh GOD, Here now I cant stand up or can be able to see that my late husband wished is done by myself.

The worst of it is that my late husband relative and brothers wanted me to die just for them to come and inherit all my husband wealth and properties, so none of them came to see me in the hospital now or ask me how I am for they are happy that I had no child of my own, so that is why I had make up my mind to see that these money will out from here and that it will be given out as the wish of my husband before I die as my situation and conditions now cant allow me to do this myself.

Please I am now writing with tears so I will like to stop here until when I will hear from you and if possible I will like to see you face to face and also if you can please send to me a copy of your picture.
Right now you are all that I have as my brother, sister and best friend so please try as much as you can to make sure that this money is used as I had told you even if I die, for I cant tell what tomorrow will bring to my life as of now.

Please do not see this as a chance of getting rich but take this as a help, and as a humanitarian work of GOD no matter what you will gain in it, is only the almighty GOD will reward you back.

Please after reading this mail reply back to me, with your phone number and your country codes so that i will call you to talk with you and also then I will give you all the documents concerning this money with the bank and tell you how to contact the bank for the transfer.

Thanks as I wait to read from you soon
Mrs Helen Dickson.

A trip to Google Image Search later, and I sent this:

from:    Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
to:    Helen DICKSON <hel_dickson7@yahoo.com>
date:    Sun, May 18, 2008 at 4:03 PM
subject:    Re: MY BELOVED ONE

Helen,

I was glad to get your letter. I always look for quality pieces of mail. I was sorry to hear of your illness. That’s a bit of a duffer.

Please find attached my photograph. I trust that yours is beautiful, because David was known to always look for perfection.

Especially in porcelain.

Andrew

I attached this picture.

from:   Helen DICKSON <hel_dickson7@yahoo.com>
to:    Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
date:    Mon, May 19, 2008 at 9:29 AM
subject:    Re: MY BELOVED ONE

Good morning Mr. Andrew,
your message is received. It’s content is understood. I also got your picture. But you have to send me your phone number, the zip codes of your country so that i can call you and discuss with you before i send you all the documents concerning this money with the Bank contacts.

Thanks,
Mrs. Helen Dickson

Do countries have zip codes? Who knows. They do now…

from:    Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
to:    Helen DICKSON <hel_dickson7@yahoo.com>
date:    Mon, May 19, 2008 at 9:53 AM
subject:    Re: MY BELOVED ONE

Helen,

Unfortunately I do not own a telephone. I tried to buy one at Ockshun, but I missed it for a bid.

The zip code of my country is GB1 4SG. I imagine my street has one, too.

Andrew

I realise now just how emotionally powerful my telephone-buying story is, because I got this by way of reply:

from:    Helen DICKSON <hel_dickson7@yahoo.com>
to:    Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
date:    Tue, May 20, 2008 at 9:03 AM
subject:    Re: MY BELOVED ONE

GOOD MORNING ANDREW

THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME THIS MESSAGE. YOU KNOW, I WOULD LIKE TO BE YOUR FRIEND TO GET SOME KNOWLEGDE BECAUSE YOU ARE MORE BRAINY AND MORE WISE THAN ME. I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. MY REAL NAME IS MAURICE, I HAVE JUST FINISHED MY STUDY IN COMPUTER MAINTENANCE. SO I NEEDED SOME MONEY TO OPEN MY OFFICE BECAUSE I DON’T GET ANY BODY TO HELP ME FINANCIALLY [MY PARENTS ARE NOT ALIVE], THAT WHY I AM DOING THIS UGLY WORK. BUT FROM TODAY, I STOP BECAUSE OF YOU.
EXCUSE ME

MAURICE.

Attachment (click to enlarge):

Hold on, what? This has never happened to me before. Can this be real? I can’t figure out where a scam might go from here, but then… the telephone story wasn’t that moving, was it?

from:    Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
to:    MAURICE. <hel_dickson7@yahoo.com>
date:    Thu, May 22, 2008 at 10:31 AM
subject:    Re: MY BELOVED ONE

Dammit, why does this always happen when I meet a nice girl on the internet?

This never happens really. There are a couple of people who could stand to get quite offended if that’s not made clear.

from:    Helen DICKSON <hel_dickson7@yahoo.com>
to:    Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
date:    Fri, May 23, 2008 at 4:50 PM
subject:    Re: MY BELOVED ONE

GOOD MORNING ANDREW,
I RECEIVED YOUR MESSAGE. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THIS KIND OF THINGS. IT HAPPENS TO HUMAN BEEING. NOT ANIMALS. I AM SORRY OK ?

Er, okay. I’m wholly unsure if I should have any sympathy for this guy. I mean, he is, or was, a criminal, but he has at least apologised, and clearly he’s also an idiot.

from:    Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
to:    Helen DICKSON <hel_dickson7@yahoo.com>
date:    Fri, May 23, 2008 at 11:56 PM
subject:    Re: MY BELOVED ONE

You’re right, I imagine this almost never happens to a gazelle. I can’t even imagine that most of them have email.

Andrew

I’ll keep replying as long as he does, and I think maybe I’ll try my telephone auction story on a couple of other scammers in case they turn straight too. But in the meantime, I think this is the end of the story of Maurice and his Amazing Educated Rodents. (At least, I assume there are rats in his house and they’re smarter than him.)

From: Mr Steven Mark <camelot_group01@yahoo.de>
Date: Fri, Apr 25, 2008 at 2:20 PM
Subject: You Have WON

You have emerged Winner from this Weeks Draws. Contact

Mr Steven Mark.
PROCESSING DEPARTMENT
Email:camelot_group02@yahoo.de
Tel:+447031908108

For Claims Of Funds, Provide the Following Information in your Email
NAMES:
Sex:
Address:
Age
City:
State:
Postcode:
Country
Occupation:
Tel:
Nationality

BATCH Nº.: 2008UKL-01
Amount Won: £1.8million pounds
Date Of Draw:April 24th 2008.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Dianne Thompson
Online Coordinator

Why do people never listen to me?

I do like that I won the Thursday draw, and that Camelot’s email runs through Yahoo! Germany.

from: Barbara Couley <barbaracouley@gmail.com>
to: taylor.andrew@gmail.com,
date: Jan 8, 2008 8:07 AM
subject: Follow Up Email For Paid Text Link Advertisement!
Hi,

I sent you an email few days back, I am interested in purchasing text link advertising on your website http://www.apathysketchpad.com/. Let me know if interested and we can discuss further details as well. I can make a good offer to make it worth your time.

Let me know!
Thanks
Barbara

I told her I was interested, which was bad of me, but I’d do it again. She sent me more details. The formatting’s gone a bit since I pasted it, but it was fairly bad to begin with.

Hello!

Thank you for your reply and interest. I am interested in purchasing permanent placement of text-links on specific pages of your website. 

• I would be paying one time fee and paragraph will stay lifetime.
• Per page there will be a placement of  5-7 text-links.
• The text link advertisement itself won’t be more than 125 words
• Contents will be customized and well matched with the theme of your site.
• The content will be unique and won’t be spammy.
• You will have the right to get anything edited through us which you disapprove of.
• The links will be between the post and the comments section.
• It should not get archived in any way or move off the page.

Here is an example to better understand what I am looking to place on your web site.

Red colored links below the Google adds.

http://www.shwetz-online.in/blog/2005/11/29/nav-2006-review/

Blue colored links below the iPhone toolkit add

http://www.dotalex.com/?p=10

 specific pages with price are given below:

 $20 each page

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2003/06/02/col-daria/

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2003/06/09/col-sbsp/

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2003/06/02/col-happy16/

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2003/06/28/col-contradictionary/

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2002/11/21/col-adamscar/

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2002/11/22/col-daveanddick/

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2002/11/28/col-deadlines2/  

 

Looking forward to your reply.

Kind Regards,

Barbara

Gosh, that would be $140 altogether, just for advertising on pages nobody ever looks at, which given the current exchange rates is approximately one pittance. I asked her for “a sample of the content that would appear on [my] site”.

I shall have  the content for your web pages written, once you agree to make the deal. otherwise, it will waste the payment i shall make to my writer.

If you want to be sure about how these paragraphs will look like with the text links in them , you can review that in the examples i sent to you in my last mail.

regards,

Barbara

Well I wasn’t about to agree to anything without seeing what it is. That would be silly of me.

I had a look at the text on the example webpages you linked me to, and you’re right, it does fit fairly nicely with the sites, but I’m puzzled as to why you need a writer to come up with it for you. It’s not as if it’s going to get into the Richard and Judy Book club, is it?

If you don’t want to employ a writer, send me the links you want and I’ll have a go at writing something — then it will fit perfectly with my site.

Andrew

I am nothing if not generous. Except perhaps cynical, mean, bored, fairly tall, tired…

Hi Andrew,

Thanks for getting in touch.

If you would like to write the paragraphs on your own( for no additional fee) , I am fine with that. I shall send you the keywords to be embedded in the paras as anchor text.

Also, if my writer writes the paras, even then you will have the right to edit the content (except the anchor text) as per your prefernce.

Please let me know what you think of this.

Thnaks,

Barbara

No additional fee? What a bitch — I just saved her “a payment to [her] writer”! Nevertheless, I agreed, and she asked for my Pay Pal ID. Fortunately, I have kept it up to date by responding to every single email that said “you mush enter your password at lycos.nl/freeuserpages/notaconmanhostly/scams/paypal/fairlyconvincing.htm to prevent account closure!”. I told her I’d rather get all the details sorted before we started exchanging money, so she sent me this:

Hi Andrew,

I attached an excel file with

• the URLs I want the paragraph on (column A),

• keywords (column C),

• URLS respective to keywords(column B) and 

• written  paragraphs(coumn D).

Now, you are free to either place the paragraphs(coumn D) or to write the paragraphs yourself (by using the URLS in column B and keywords in column C)

Please let me know when you finish with this so that I can review them and make the payment to your PayPal account for this permanent deal.

 

Thank you very much,

 

Barbara

The file attached was this. Have a look. It’s good writing, that! But I thought I could match it…

Here’s what I thought of for some of the pages. I think this would be in-keeping with the theme of my site:

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2002/11/28/col-deadlines2/

Many people in this century use numbers for counting with. Counting things that you have less than none of is stupid, but mathematicians have invented Negative Numbers for it. You can get such numbers by subtracting large positive (or “proper”) numbers from smaller numbers. For example, 70-290 = -350, 70-298 = -358, 70-620 = -690, 70-536 = -606, 74-134 = -208. You cannot just make shit up, though. For example, MB2-423 is not a sum.

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2003/06/09/col-sbsp/

Monopoly is a game where you buy hotels. Depending on which version of the game you own, these may be new york hotels or london hotels . It is usually considered cheating to negotiate discounts on hotels with the banker. No version of the game includes cruise port hotels.

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2002/11/22/col-daveanddick/

If american airline was a sport, it would almost certainly be played in some kind of american airlines arena. Getting in would require american airline tickets, but if you couldn’t afford that you might have to make do with a cheap airline ticket. A favourite snack at these events might be aeroplanes with ham and pineapple on top, which would be called hawaiian airlines .

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2003/06/02/col-daria/

Tom cruises chosen religion is one of those silly cult ones. his younger brother, nile cruise, is no better. The carnival cruise reviews in his latest book is rubbish, but Cruise gives it high praise, probably because he met a nice girl there, by using some of his best cruise lines. Playing poker with him is a nightmare because he pauses for ages and then at the last minute cruise deals .

http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2003/06/02/col-happy16/

Most buildings have flights of stairs in them. Offices have commercial ones; homes have domestic flights. New technology is producing larger and larger staircases, and scientists predict that soon we will be able to build flights to boston. If you want cheap flights students are good people to talk to because they work for less than fully qualified stairsmiths. At the top of one flight airline tickets can be found. You need these to watch the sport.

Would these be okay? I shall do the others later. Can I ask why you’re buying links to http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/time-travel-phys/, by the way? It would seem sensible to wait until the technology is more viable.

Andrew

I think I got the gist across.

Hi Andrew,

Yes , everything looks fine so far as you chose.

I am an independent webmaster and choose the pages/sites/links after my heart .You are right, but I just happen to pick and choose as I come across anything that interests me :)

Looking forward to establishing a happy business relationship with you,

 

Best Regards,

Barbara

I was by this stage more than a little confused. I can only assume Couley (which is clearly not her real name) is trying to get PayPal IDs, though I don’t know what she can do with them.

Gosh, that’s very altruistic of you, isn’t it? Paying strangers to promote random websites just because you like them.

But have you ever considered registering at http://del.icio.us ? It would be far cheaper in the long run.

Andrew

That was over a week ago. I think I lost her. Probably she registered a del.icio.us account after all.

I wonder if she’ll want to advertise on this page…

While I was away over Christmas, you put a bit of card under my door saying you couldn’t read my meter (which in fact you could as it is not inside my flat). It said I was to provide a reading within three days, which I didn’t because I didn’t get back to read the card for about a week. I tried to text you the details, as instructed, and your reply said my ID number had to be 13 digits, which it was, not least because I’d copied it from the card as you instructed. I tried your automated phone service, but this too failed to recognise my number, leading me to suspect that you wrote it down wrong (and that there is a bug in your text service that causes it to reply “number wrong length” when it means “number not recognised”). I also tried your non-automated phone service, but nobody answered and I got bored of listening to your mindless propaganda — I’m already your customer; you don’t need to advertise to me — so I hung up in case you were charging me for listening to commercials.

I’m more than happy to provide you with my meter reading but you aren’t making it easy.

Andrew

From: postmaster@centrica-gw.com
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com,
Date: Jan 5, 2008 3:58 PM
Subject: Delivery Status Notification (Failure)

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

Unable to deliver message to the following recipients, because the message was forwarded more than the maximum allowed times. This could indicate a mail loop.

Donations made via third parties are illegal unless the person behind the donation is also declared or there is a “reasonable excuse”.

…it also explained this email I received in March but had always assumed was a scam:

DEAR BELOVED URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL

I am DAVID ABRAHAMS, an impotant businessman here in LAGOS, NIGERIA and I have sum of $600,00 USD  (SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND US DOLLAR) which I want to donate to THE LABOUR PARTY. I would like a trust worthy partner to act as a donor. The money will be transfered into your account and then into THE LABOUR PARTY. The fund will be split as follows: 15% for your expenses, 10% for contingency/emergency and 75% for THE LABOUR PARTY.

Yours in Christ,

David Abrahams

LAGOS NIGERIA

No, really. I wouldn’t lie to you.

Also I read that Santa has lost the disks on which he stored the lists of 25 million naughty and nice children. So, er, let’s hope that doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.

Read carefully…

THIS TOOK TWO PAGES OF THE TUESDAY USA TODAY - IT IS FOR REAL


To all of my friends, I do not usually forward messages,

But this is from my friend Pearlas Sandborn and she really is

an attorney.

If she says that this will work - It will work. After all,What have

you got to lose?

SORRY EVERY BODY.. JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! I’m an

attorney, And I know the law. This thing is for real. Rest assured

AOL and &nbs p; Intel will follow through with their promises for

fear of facing a multimillion-dollar class action suit similar to the one

filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too long ago.

Dear Friends: Please do not take this for a junk letter.

Bill Gates sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent

later.

Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies

and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the

most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail

beta test.

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will

track it (If you are a Microsoft Windows user) For a two weeks

time period.

For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay

you $245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on,

Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that receives

it, You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact

you for your address and then send you a check.

Regards. Charles S Bailey General Manager Field Operations

1-800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085

Thought this was a scam myself, But two weeks after receiving this

e-mail and forwarding it on. Microsoft contacted me for my address and

within days, I received a check for $24, 800.00 . You need to respond

before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this, Bill gates is the

man.

It’s all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many

people as possible. You are bound to get at least $10, 000.00

We’re not going to hel p them out with their e-mail beta test without

getting a little something for our time. My brother’s girlfriend got in

on this a few months ago. When I went to visit him for the Baylor/UT

game, she showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4, 324.44 and

was stamped ‘Paid In Full’. 

It’s all very usual, and the kind of thing that only a moron would fall for. What I laughed at was the list of people other than me it had been sent to. One of them was Mr Brand Am! I bet he falls for it. Plus, he has lots of e-mail contacts, so he’ll be rolling in it.

Indeed that does disappoint me.

I believe that secular education is in the best interests of both individuals and society, and that faith-based schooling is, especially when dealing with vulnerable and impressionable children, an act of indoctrination. The idea that a so-called “human rights” convention places the religious views of a child’s parents, views which have no burden of evidence or even of rationale of any kind, above the right of the child to an honest and balanced education is actually quite disturbing.

I should like to know on what basis such legislation is justified. It would appear to protect the religion itself rather than protecting anybody’s human rights.

Andrew Taylor

I was very shocked by the email I