Me: Hello?
Steve: [in a thick, perhaps German, accent] Hello. I’m Steve, and I’m calling from Save My Bill. Okay?
Me: Okaaay…
[pause]
Steve: Is that okay?
Me: Yes.
[pause]
Steve: What’s okay?
And then I hung up.
Okay, so…
Andrew_Taylor I did consider changing my Twitter username to @ndrewtaylor but it looks stupid in all other contexts.
ndrewtaylor lol @andrew_taylor is a nonce
It’s worth mentioning this account was set up purely for making-this-tweet purposes.
Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor Yeah? Well YOU LOOK STUPID IN ALL OTHER CONTEXTS! Oh, snap!
ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor least im not a noncing nonce you fucking nonce
Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor I’m not at all convinced ‘nonce’ can be used as a verb.
ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor yeah it can. andrew taylor went noncing 1 day and nonced up a kid. you manchester nonce
Okay, now bear with me here, because when Friz joins in replies start coming in out of order and things get a tad confusing (more so):
frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor I think @ndrewtaylor is going to be my #FollowFriday this week.
ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle fuck you fatty with shades
Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor No, I still think that’s ungrammatical. (Also, false.)
frizfrizzle @ndrewtaylor You’re an odd individual.
Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle Let’s see if he lasts that long before being thrown off Twitter.
ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor id have thought you were a grammar nazi. or a nonci (nonce+nazi) lol
ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle sorry mate cant hear you over all the pies your fucking
Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor Gold. Utter gold. Any more pantomime villains you want to call me? You haven’t called me a terrorist yet.
frizfrizzle How odd. @ndrewtaylor is accusing my friend of being a paedophile, and accusing me of having sex with pies.
ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor why is your profile a drawing are you so butt ugly
ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle by friend you mean lover gay boooooooooi
Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle Explicitly, or did he mistype and call you a piedophile?
I appreciate that this is not the best advert for Twitter.
frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor Well, he seems to be a fan portmanteaus. Did you SEE the “nonci” quip? Had me on the FLOOR!
Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle It was a total nonce-sequitur! HAHA!
Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle I wouldn’t mind if he’d at least follow me and add to my perceived popularity.
ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor sall just words mate.
ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle yeah you thought american Pie was a documentary fatty
Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor Some of it isn’t even that.
frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor I think he’s just F5-ing the @ reply page.
garethpwatkins @Andrew_Taylor What’s the deal with@ndrewtaylor?
ndrewtaylor @garethpwatkins ha more of his bum buddies coming to white knight him. leave him to nonce, mate
ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor words words words words words words words words words words yeah i can type words
Andrew_Taylor @garethpwatkins How should I know?
ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor @garethpwatkinsso what are you three like the three nonceketeers
Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor So I see. Maybe one day you’ll master sentences.
garethpwatkins @Andrew_Taylor I assumed he was your nemesis/evil twin.
ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor yeah i bet you love being the master and you want me to be your slave gay boi
frizfrizzle @garethpwatkins I personally hope it’s actually@Andrew_Taylor. Like a sort of Fight Club ending.
frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor @garethpwatkins Oh christ, it has some sort of profile pic.
ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle you on about me mate thats my girllfriend your on about
garethpwatkins @frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor Can’t see it on Tweetie. I’ll just assume it’s a Swastika.
frizfrizzle I find @ndrewtaylor’s tweets more fun to read in a Welsh accent.
garethpwatkins @Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle Oh God it’s following me. Me and my big mouth.
And this may be continuing…
Tags for this article: Twitter
[?]The three exclamation marks at the end are my favourite bit of this one:
from: beverley.mcgarrell@touro.edu
to:
date: 14 April 2008 13:22
subject: Contact Mr.Orlando Max For ClaimsFROM THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR INTERNATIONAL WORLDWIDE INTERNET USER LOTTERY PRIZE AWARD DEPT.Dear Internet User,
YOUR WINNING NOTIFICATION FOR USING THE INTERNET.
I am pleased to inform you that one of the best things that can happen to any Internet user is to be rewarded for spending money and time on the Internet. You may not have known that over one hundred billion people daily surf the Internet on regular basis for one reason or other.
These Internet users including yourself, pay access fees to various Internet Service Providers (ISP) all over the world who in turn remit surplus funds to the numerous World Wide Internet Technology Companies (WWITC)for the development and advancement of Global Information Technology.So much money is generated from people like you all over the World for using the Information Superhighway (the Internet) without your being aware the enormous sum that go to the stake holders (WWWITC). Without your patronage, this would not have been possible. After we conducted a research on the issue, we concluded that Internet users should be
compensated. As a result, we embarked on a worldwide lottery promotion with a sophisticated automated database to randomly select E-mail accounts that frequently surf the Internet. Consequent upon this, your E-mail address was picked for Category “A” ‚Winners.After the automated computer ballot, your E-mail address emerged as a winner in the category “A” with the following numbers attached
Ref Number: PW EH 9590 OG 0612,
Batch Number: PA  563881545-NL/2007You and other category “A” ‚ winners are therefore to receive a cash prize of One Million Five hundred United States Dollars
($1,500,000.00)respectively from the total payout of One million US Dollars earmarked in the lottery for category “A” ‚ winners. Your prize award has been insured with your E-mail address, which qualified you for the lottery
and will be transferred to you upon meeting our requirements, statutory obligations, verifications, validations and satisfactory proof of  E-mail address ownership.To file in for the processing of your money, you are advised to contact our certified and accredited claims agent for category “A” winners with the information below:
CLAIMS AGENT.
Name: Mr.Orlando Max
Phone: +447031935556
E-mail:surfpriceclaimsagent014@yahoo.com.cnYou will provide him with the following information:
First name:
Last Name:
Telephone/Fax number:
Nationality:
Age:
Occupation:NOTE: All winnings must be claimed not later than 14 days, thereafter unclaimed funds would be forfeited after a trio repeated forwarding of this message to you without your response. Remember to quote your reference information in all correspondence. (Ref No: PW EH 9590 OG 0612,Batch No: PA Â 563881545-NL/2007),
You are to keep all lotto information confidential, especially your reference numbers and the password of your E-mail address. Since we do not know you, if an impostor hacks your E-mail account ID and claims your money without our knowledge, we shall not be liable. Double claims will
not be entertained so be careful. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible.Congratulations! Thank you for being a user of the World Wide Web.
Yours Faithfully,
Mary Jones
Lottery Coordinator.
Thank you and
congratulations!!!!!!
This all seems eminently plausible.
This is amazing! I had no idea that the internet operated this way. I had assumed the excess money gathered by ISPs was some kind of ‘profit’. I didn’t realise there was a “prize fund” of a million dollars, so obviously it comes as a shock that I appear to have won 150% of that money. I presume this apparent contradiction is actually subsidised by the fact that every day over 1500% of the world’s population use the internet. I thank the WWITC and the WWWITC for this amazing and dare I say mathematically impossible prize!
Please Internet me my winnings as soon as possible!
Andrew
This didn’t put him off, but don’t worry, the next bit did.
from: Mr.Orlando Max
to: Andrew Taylor
date: 14 April 2008 15:21
subject: Fill and return Claims Form.
Signed by: yahoo.com.cnVERIFICATION AND FUND RELEASE FORM
1.FULL NAMES:__________________________________
2.ADDRESS:_____________________________________________
3.SEX:_______________
4.AGE:________
5.MARITAL STATUS:___________________
6.OCCUPATION:________________________
7.E-MAIL ADDRESS:_____________________________
8.TELEPHONE NUMBER:_____________________
9.BATCH NUMBER:____________________ B. REF NUMBER:______________
10.BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF COMPANY/INDIVIDUAL___________11.AMOUNT WON:___________________________________12. COUNTRY________________________________
Upon receipt of the duly requested data, I will send
you the contact information of the payment office so you
can proceed with effecting the release of your claim afterProper verification exercise to verify if you are the trueowner of the e-mail address that won this cash price.Warm Regards,Orlando Max(Mr).
Everyone loves forms.
VERIFICATION AND FUND RELEASE FORM1.FULL NAMES:______ANDREW BORIS CRAIG DAVID EDWARD FRANK GRAHAM HAROLD IAIN JAMES KEITH LIAM MIKE NEIL OLIVER PAUL QUENTIN ROGER SAM TYLER_____
2.ADDRESS:___________54354 BOND ROAD STREET AVENUE, MGH453 972FGB______
3.SEX:______FEFEFEFEFEFEMALE_________
4.AGE:___2194794_____
5.MARITAL STATUS:_____POLYGAMIST________
6.OCCUPATION:_________NINE ACCOUNTANTS_______________
7.E-MAIL ADDRESS:________ANDREW@ANDREW@ANDREW.ANDREW.ANDREW@ANDREW@MICOROSFT.HOTMAIL.GMAIL.YAHOO@COM.COM.COM.COM.COM.CO.COM_____________________
8.TELEPHONE NUMBER:_____4815162342-7593875386023774352873988573425843731/1______
9.BATCH NUMBER:_____03875-38975-39809897575039740_______________ B. REF NUMBER:____93832920193-9375960870876/5__________
10.BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF COMPANY/INDIVIDUAL____9 FEET TALL_______11.AMOUNT WON:_______£5,000,000,000,000___________________12. COUNTRY_______THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN, NORTHERN IRELAND, FRANCE, ANDORRA, SPAIN, PORTUGAL, GERMANY, ITALY, AND THE NICE PARTS OF BELGIUM_________________________Upon receipt of the duly requested data, I will send
you the contact information of the payment office so you
can proceed with effecting the release of your claim afterProper verification exercise to verify if you are the trueowner of the e-mail address that won this cash price.Warm Regards,Orlando Max(Mr).Tel:+447031935556
I never heard back, so I don’t have my winnings. This is most vexing.
Dear Microsoft,
I am writing in reply to your recent correspondence, reproduced below:
Dear Windows Live User, We are contacting you regarding your communication preference settings for Windows Live and MSN.
Currently, your settings do not allow Microsoft to send you promotional information or survey invitations about Windows Live and MSN. We would like to communicate important product updates to you, so if you would like to change your settings, please visit your account profile hereto change your preferences.
Sincerely,
The Windows Live TeamNote: You can also change your Account settings by going to your browser and typing in:Â http://account.live.com. After logging-in to your account, look for ‘Additional options’ and click ‘Marketing preferences’. Then uncheck the top preference box and click ‘Save’.
Microsoft respects your privacy. To learn more, please read our online Privacy Statement. Microsoft Corporation
One Microsoft Way
Redmond WA 98052
Fuck off.
Yours faithfully,
Andrew
x
Tags for this article: Microsoft
[?]I’ve been meaning to post this for a while… But I’ve not been able to go any further with it. A while back I got this comment on this blog. It’s an attempt to get me to use my blog to pimp their website, which I have starred out one letter of to (a) hoard Google-juice, and (b) make them appear homosexual:
Author : Johnny Testa
E-mail :Â Johnny.Testa@askmen.com
URL Â Â :Â http://As*Men.com
Whois  : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=209.71.197.194
Comment:
An article on Penis Fracture by As*Men.comHi,
My name is Johnny Testa from As*Men.com – a unit of FOX Interactive Media. As the world’s largest men’s web portal, As*Men.com attracts more than 7 million readers each month.
I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know that AskMen.com recently published an article entitled “Penis Fracture” that I think would be of particular interest to your readers.
The article goes into detail about what can cause and what exactly is Penal Fracture.
You mean, penile fracture? Penal fracture would just be harsh.
I know, the title alone runs shivers down your spine, but rest assured this is real and it can happen. I’m sure you probably know everything about this topic but I thought you might enjoy reading what we have to say about it.
Here’s the linking URL:
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/sports/health_200/232_penis-fracture.html
Here are some other articles you may be interested in:
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/sports/health_150/186_mens_health.html
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/dating/love_tip_300/391_love_tip.html
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/dating/love_tip_200/209_love_tip.html
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/dating/dzimmer_100/102_love_answers.html
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/specials/top_99_women/Please feel free to post any portion of our articles, or use our content as you see fit, with credit given to As*Men.com. Please send me the link if you do choose to post any portion of our article.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions, comments, or suggestions.
I look forward to hearing back from you.
Regards,
Johnny Testa
As*Men.com
Er, no thanks.
Â
Hi Johnny,Thanks, I enjoyed reading the article you sent me. As it happens, I was already aware of Penis Fracture — a friend of mine is a GP and one of her patients once presented with the condition. He was 15, and one of the boys at his school had told him you could use a bagel to simulate sex but he was too embarrassed to buy one, so he found a stale one in the trash. Apparently, stale bagels are pretty tough cookies. I thought she’d made the story up, but she says it’s not the strangest injury she’s ever had to refer.I was considering putting the story up on my blog, but I ought to check if that would be against some kind of GP-patient privacy rules. If I do put up a post about it, can I use a paragraph or so from your article to get across to my readers that it’s a real condition?Â
Andrew
Thanks to @Estie_Tabernak for that piece of bullshit.
Â
Hey Andrew,
Thanks for getting back to me. I’m glad you enjoyed reading the article. You can definitely use As*Men.com as reference as long as we are given credit and that there is a link leading to the As*Men.com article located somewhere in your post.
On another note, I cannot understand for the life of me why someone would use a bagel to please themselves, and I don’t know whether to laugh at the boy’s accident or cringe in pain.
Let me know if there is anything else that I can help you with.
Regards,
Johnny TestaÂ
Online Marketing CoordinatorÂ
johnny.testa@askmen.comP: 514-908-2557Â
P: 514-908-2552 ext:257AskMen.com – No.1 Men’s Portal WorldwideÂ
http://www.as*men.comÂ
A division of IGN Entertainment, A unit of Fox Interactive Media, Inc.Â
You may have noticed that I’ve stripped out the links from this ‘article’.
Â
Thanks for getting back to me. I’m glad you enjoyed reading the article. You can definitely use As*Men.com as reference as long as we are given credit and that there is a link leading to the As*Men.com article located somewhere in your post.
Thanks. At the moment I’m looking at using it as a kind of a ‘cold open’ — straight into a blockquote. If I’m quoting a big chunk, I like to open with it. The RSS feed might show a couple of sentences of your article, though, and readers wouldn’t see the credit unless they clicked through. Is that a problem? I can change it if it is.
On another note, I cannot understand for the life of me why someone would use a bagel to please themselves, and I don’t know whether to laugh at the boy’s accident or cringe in pain.Â
That was my first thought too. You’d be better off with a donut — they’re softer and cheaper and if you get a cream-filled one it’d be more realistic. Still, hindsight, eh? (Not a jam one, though — I mean, each to their own and all that, but for my money that’s not an appealing visual. Also, jam might have seeds in it. That would sting. Not that I’ve tried it. Obviously. That would be ridiculous.)
Let me know if there is anything else that I can help you with.
There might be. Do you know if As*Men.com has an article on this topic that I could reference: http://www.tiscali.co.uk/lifestyle/healthfitness/menshealth/part1_4-1.html – specifically about the effects of heat? Only there’s another story I was hoping to squeeze into the blog post, about keeping things cool, and it would be good to have a quote to introduce that one too. (I won’t tell you that story unless you ask — it’s much, much worse than the bagel one and people don’t usually thank me for telling it.Well, you’ll see it if you read the finished blog post, so don’t say you weren’t warned.Thanks,AndrewÂ
I wonder if he will read the finished blog post.
Â
Hey Andrew, as long as the feed leads to our article than its fine.
You might find something about your other topic in one of the two links I provided:
http://www.as*men.com/dating/keywords/sperm-count.html
http://www.as*men.com/dating/keywords/semen.html
I’m curious about the story you’re referring to but I think I will read it when you have posted it on your site.
 Let me know if you need anything else.
Johnny
Â
Still, here it is:
Â
Hi Johnny,I’ve been having a go at writing this and here is what I have so far. I thought I’d let you have a check over it before I publish it, to make sure you’re okay with how I’ve used your material and because you seem to know about these things. I’d hate to take a paragraph out of context and change the message or anything. Let me know what you think or if you have any suggestions. (If you don’t want to read the second half then I entirely understand.) Thanks.Penis fractures are a reality. To call it a “fracture” may be a inaccurate when talking about the penis, which has no bone, but the cracking sound, intense pain, and immediate swelling and bruising mimic fractures that occur in bones. Sometimes, blood may appear at the urethra, indicating damage to the urethra itself; this is a more severe type of penis fracture that requires involved surgery to repair.
Penis fractures usually occur when the penis strikes the pubic bone or the perineum of a partner during rigorous sexual activity. Rolling over in bed with an erect penis in the middle of the night has also been implicated as a way to fracture a penis. Penis fractures have also been reported as occurring when a man rushes to get clothed when the penis is erect — imagine that scenario.The above is from As*Men.com’s fascinating but slightly disturbing article on Penis Fracture. You might not want to imagine the scenario they describe, but a friend of mine has little choice: she once treated a patient who suffered a penis fracture at the tender age of 15. At his school there was a story going around that the most realistic way to simulate sex was using a bagel. (A lazy Saturday, a trip to Tesco and the rigorous application of the scientific method are all you need to know that this story is clearly not true.) Of course, the local shop soon figured out what was going on after the tenth or so nervous-looking boy turned up asking for a single bagel and a pack of cream cheese. (I rather suspect they put the story about in the first place.) The hero of this tale was too shy to go to said shop if it meant they’d know what he wanted to do with their bagel, and he didn’t think his parents would take kindly to his taking one of theirs. Eventually he looked in the kitchen bin and found one there. He ran off to his room and started to make sweet love to the savoury snack.
He had not eaten a bagel before and didn’t know what they are supposed to feel like, but now we know that the bagel had been thrown out because it was very, very stale. Fortunately, he managed to get to hospital on time, where presumably he was far more embarrassed than he would have been in the shop. I’m told he’s since made a full recovery, although since he was a virgin at the time there’s really no way to know.
Some people find that story a little hard to hear. If you’re one of those people then you should definitely not read the next story. If you’re brave enough to continue, then first you should read this background, again from As*Men.com:
The reason your testicles hang from your body and don’t reside inside it like a woman’s ovaries, is because they need to be a few degrees cooler than the rest of your body. So wearing tight underwear or tight pants that keeps them pressed up against your 98.6° body is not a good idea. As well, sleep naked if you can, to ensure coolness.
Ensuring coolness is undoubtedly important, but there are limits. We all know the attraction of the Cold Shower. But like anything, such things can get addictive. There is a chilling story, told at our university, which has been passed down from one year group to the next. Apparently in 2001 there was a student in the chemistry department (his name was Patrick, but to protect his anonymity I shall call him Brian) who got obsessed with cold showers, to the point where he couldn’t get turned on unless he was colder and colder. Eventually they weren’t enough, and he started rolling in snow or taking ice baths. You could see his skin turning redder by the day. There was some concern over how all this was affecting what remained of his sex life (he wasn’t what you’d call promiscuous; why do you think he was taking all those cold showers in the first place?) but these concerns suddenly became somewhat academic one Friday afternoon.
At first nobody made the connection. Brian hadn’t turned up at lectures for almost the whole next week, and one of the lab technicians found two pieces of what appeared to be freshly chopped pork in dusty corners of the floor. It was known that students would occasionally let themselves into the labs after hours to work on their projects — it wasn’t really allowed but the professors never complained because it meant they got more work done. The assumption was that someone had had dinner in the lab, but after two days trying to find out who it was, a member of ambulance staff told them what the meat actually was.
It seems that Brian had been working on his final year project after the department closed on the Friday evening, but in the corner of the lab was a large insulated container containing liquid nitrogen. Apparently, after a while, the temptation was too great and it overcame him. Of course, once chilled to 77 Kelvin, the nerves were not responsive, and in his numb frustration he got more vigorous until he collided with something and his frozen penis literally shattered.
While he waited for the ambulance, he gathered up all the shards of his manhood that he could find. They couldn’t be reattached, and nobody really thinks he ever held out much hope of that, but he did hope to prevent anyone figuring out what had happened.
Obviously he didn’t manage to keep the event a secret, but if his tale can prevent anyone else from trying such an ill-thought-out method of self abuse then its publication will be worthwhile.
I look forward to hearing your comments.Thanks again,AndrewÂ
That ought to tip him off.
Â
The article looks good Andrew, no complaints on my end. Let me know when the article goes live on your site.
Johnny
Â
Ah.
Â
Hi Johnny,Bad news, I’m afraid. My webhosts have said that an article about simulated sex and genital injury would violate their terms and conditions. I tried to explain to them that this isn’t filth; it’s a public-spirited warning about genuine dangers that men face, but they said it wasn’t about blocking pornography but ensuring their sites can be seen behind corporate and educational filters, and that some of the terms I’d used might cause their sites to be blocked. I’ve sent them a new version of the article, but I guess I should ask you to look at it too, to make sure you’re okay with it — after all, many of the disputed words appear in the quotes from your site. Some parts of it don’t make much sense, but it has to look like real sentences: can’t just replace i with ! any more — the filters are cleverer than that now. If you both okay it, I’ll post it up. Also any suggestions for better ways to disguise it would be welcome:
Pen fractures are a reality. To call it a “fracture” may be a inaccurate when talking about the pens, which have no bone, but the cracking sound, intense pain, and immediate swelling and bruising mimic fractures that occur in bones. Sometimes, blood may appear Ulrika, indicating damage to Ulrika herself; this is a more severe type of pen fracture that requires involved surgery to repair.
Pen fractures usually occur when the pens strike the public bone or the palladium of a partner during rigorous textual activity. Rolling over in a bid to elect the President in the middle of the night has also been implicated as a way to fracture pens. Pen fractures have also been reported as occurring when a man rushes to get clothed when the President is elect — imagine that scenario.The above is from As*Men.com’s fascinating but slightly disturbing article on Pen Fracture (which you can read unedited on their site). You might not want to imagine the scenario they describe, but a friend of mine has little choice: she once treated a patient who suffered a pen fracture at the tender age of 15. At his school there was a story going around that the most realistic way to emulate a NES was using a bagel. (A lazy Saturday, a trip to Tesco and the rigorous application of the scientific method are all you need to know that this story is clearly not true.) Of course, the local shop soon figured out what was going on after the tenth or so nervous-looking boy turned up asking for a single bagel and a pack of cream cheese. (I rather suspect they put the story about in the first place.) The hero of this tale was too shy to go to said shop if it meant they’d know what he wanted to do with their bagel, and he didn’t think his parents would take kindly to his taking one of theirs. Eventually he looked in the kitchen bin and found one there. He ran off to his room and started to whisper sweet nothings to the savoury snack.
He had not eaten a bagel before and didn’t know what they are supposed to feel like, but now we know that the bagel had been thrown out because it was very, very stale. Fortunately, he managed to get to hospital on time, where presumably he was far more embarrassed than he would have been in the shop. I’m told he’s since made a full recovery, although since he was a Virgo at the time there’s really no way to know.
Some people find that story a little hard to hear. If you’re one of those people then you should definitely not read the next story. If you’re brave enough to continue, then first you should read this background, again from As*Men.com:The reason your tribunals hang from your body and don’t reside inside it like a woman’s nunneries, is because they need to be a few degrees cooler than the rest of your body. So wearing tight underwater or tight paints that keeps them pressed up against your 98.6° body is not a good idea. As well, sleep faked if you can, to ensure coolness.
Ensuring coolness is undoubtedly important, but there are limits. We all know the attraction of the Cold Flower. But like anything, such things can get addictive. There is a chilling story, told at our university, which has been passed down from one year group to the next. Apparently in 2001 there was a student in the chemistry department (his name was Patrick, but to protect his anonymity I shall call him Brian) who got obsessed with cold flowers, to the point where he couldn’t get tuned in unless he was colder and colder. Eventually they weren’t enough, and he started rolling in snow or taking ice baths. You could see his skin turning redder by the day. There was some concern over how all this was affecting what remained of his socks life (he wasn’t what you’d call Prometheus; why do you think he was taking all those cold flowers in the first place?) but these concerns suddenly became somewhat academic one Friday afternoon.
At first nobody made the connection. Brian hadn’t turned up at lectures for almost the whole next week, and one of the lab technicians found two pieces of what appeared to be freshly chopped pork in dusty corners of the floor. It was known that students would occasionally let themselves into the labs after hours to work on their projects — it wasn’t really allowed but the professors never complained because it meant they got more work done. The assumption was that someone had had dinner in the lab, but after two days trying to find out who it was, a member of ambulance staff told them what the meat actually was.It seems that Brian had been working on his final year project after the department closed on the Friday evening, but in the corner of the lab was a large insulated container containing liquid nitrogen. Apparently, after a while, the temptation was too great and it overcame him. Of course, once chilled to 77 Kelvin, the nerves were not responsive, and in his numb frustration he got more vigorous until he collided with something and his frozen pens literally shattered.
While he waited for the ambulance, he gathered up all the shards of his neighbourhood that he could find. They couldn’t be reattached, and nobody really thinks he ever held out much hope of that, but he did hope to prevent anyone figuring out what had happened.
Obviously he didn’t manage to keep the event a secret, but if his tale can prevent anyone else from trying such an ill-thought-out method of self obtuse then its publication will be worthwhile.
AndrewÂ
Is this bad enough yet?
Â
Just word it to say fractures of the groin area. For the record “Penis†is an educational term used to describe a part of the male human anatomy, tell your webhosts that it’s human nature and that it could not possibly block anything to do with education.
Johnny TestaÂ
Online Marketing CoordinatorÂ
johnny.testa@askmen.comP: 514-908-2557Â
P: 514-908-2552 ext:257As*Men.com – No.1 Men’s Portal WorldwideÂ
http://www.as*men.comÂ
A division of IGN Entertainment, A unit of Fox Interactive Media, Inc.Â
No.
Â
This is from an email from my hosts: “We realise “Penis” is an educational term, but many schools and companies’ internet services filter based on word lists, and “Penis” is a common word on those lists.”They said they agree that the article should be posted, but couldn’t make an exception to their policy. They did suggest using elaborate innuendo to make the point without using my word substitutions. That might be a good idea. Any thoughts?Â
Apparently not.
But he’s not replied since, so I think this is over.
prayforyou RT @Forestpelt Please pray that @Forestpelt’s 2 atheist friends will find Christ. Pray that God would shine through @Forestpelt to them.Â
Andrew_Taylor @prayforyou This ought to be the single most elegant demonstration that prayer doesn’t work we will ever see.Â
prayforyou We have a challenger saying we will only prove that prayer doesn’t work. Everyone pray so we’ll prove to @Andrew_Taylor the power of prayer.Â
Come on then, God. This should be an easy one. Convince two people you exist. I mean, I don’t want to pour scorn on Your infinite power at all, but I can manage this task pretty easily. I’m almost sure that everyone at work is totally convinced I exist. So come on, God. Pull Your finger out.
Call me cocky if you like, but I’m pretty sure I can win this bet. Convincing atheists of his own existence is one of God’s weakest suits. He’s much better at tasks that only involve committed theists.
Maybe it’s all the praying they do.
Tags for this article: Twitter
[?]from: KEN KUBE
reply-to: mr_ken@mail.ru
to:
date: 13 July 2008 20:46
subject: FROM: Mr. Ken Kube.FROM: Mr. Ken Kube.
Good Day,
Please Read.
My name is Mr Ken Kube, I’m the credit officer in International Credit Bank Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.
I have a business proposal in the tune of $5.5m, (Five Million Five hundred Thousand only) after the successful transfer; we shall share in ratio of 40% for you and 60% for me.
Should you be interested, please contact me through my private email (mr_ken@mail.ru) so we can commence on all arrangements and I Will give you more information on how we would handle this project.
Please treat this business with utmost confidentiality and send me the
Following information:
(1) Full names:
(2) Private phone number:
(3) Current residential address:
(4) Occupation:
(5) Age and Sex:
Kind Regards,
Mr. Ken Kube.
Note: Strictly reply through my private email account if interest is shown.
This is my reply:
from: Andrew Taylor
to: mr_ken@mail.ru
date: 13 July 2008 22:20
subject: Re: FROM: Mr. Ken Kube.2008/7/13 KEN KUBE <mr_ken35@biz.by>:
FROM: Mr. Ken Kube.
Good Day,
Please Read.
My name is Mr Ken Kube,No, it isn’t. Don’t be ridiculous.
That didn’t get a response.
Here’s a few quick things too big for Google Reader; too small for their own blog posts. (Not really sure why they’re too small; I’ve done two-line posts before now, but it’s my blog and I’ll do what I like.)
Fist, this fantastically silly story from the Telegraph:
Satanist father and Christian mother fight for Sunday morning custody rights
Kristie Meyer has cited the religious beliefs of her former husband, Jamie, as the main reason why an Indiana judge should restrict his visitation rights. … However, legal experts have warned that the American Constitution prevents judges from showing a religious preference. …Mr Meyer may now be asked to prove that Satanism, which he says is about celebrating man’s desires rather than worshipping the devil, is a real faith.
Sounds to me like an eminently sensible faith, compared at least to Christianity.
Meanwhile, legal observers say his former wife may have to show that Satanism – which is recognised as a religion by the US Internal Revenue Service – is harmful to their daughters’ upbringing. Mrs Meyer has argued that her ex-husband’s public expression of satanic beliefs has embarrassed their children.
Can you really legislate on the basis that parents mustn’t embarrass their children?
Pat Roberts, her lawyer, has asked the judge to order Mr Meyer to drop off the children at his ex-wife’s church so they can attend with her during his visitation time. “Frankly, (it) can be emotionally damaging or confusing to children when they’re faced with these two different forms of worship,” Mr Roberts told the Chicago Tribune.
Yes, if you go around exposing children to alternative viewpoints, the indoctrination might not work. Honestly, I can’t see any other way of reading this.
… “Allowing them to go to church for a couple of hours on a Sunday morning is… not unreasonable.”
I think it is, but probably for a different reason. I hope that reason prevails in this case, and honestly I think it will.
Also, in case you missed it, here’s a comic I drew at Ghost Hamster.
Now, below the fold, some replies I sent to 419-scammers which the scammers did not respond to.
Tags for this article: Christianity , Satanism
[?]from: Leon A Furchtgott (leonf@Princeton.EDU)
reply-to: rkelly2020@googlemail.com
to:
date: 10 May 2008 16:50
subject: COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON
mailed-by: princeton.edu (yes, I told them)MR RICHARD KELLY
LONDON,UNITED KINGDOM.
EMAIL : krichy3333@aim.comDear Friend,
I am Mr. Richard Kelly, the Auditor General, Capital management solutions Limited UK. In the course of my auditing, I discovered a floating fund in an account which was opened in 1990 belonging to a dead foreigner Late Mr. H.K. Dravids who died in 1999. Every effort made to track any member of his family or next of kin has since failed; hence I got in contact with you to stand as his next of kin since he died leaving no heir or a will.
My intention is to transfer this sum of $15.5M in the aforementioned account to a safe account overseas. I am therefore proposing that you quietly partner with me and provide an account or set up a new one that will serve the purpose of receiving this fund. For your assistance in this venture, I am ready to part with 30% of the entire funds to you. After going through the deceased person’s records and files, I discovered that:
(1) No one has operated this account since 1999
(2) He died without an heir; hence the money has been floating.
(3) No other person knows about this account and there was no known beneficiary.
If I do not remit this money urgently, it would be forfeited and subsequently converted to company’s funds which will benefit only the directors of my firm. This money can be approved to you legally as with all the necessary documentary approvals in your name. However, you would be required to show some proof of claim which I will provide you with and also guide you on how to make your applications.
Please do give me a reply so that I can send you detailed information on the modalities of my proposition.Kindly forward your telephone and fax numbers where I can reach you easily. I look forward to your prompt response through my confidential email address krichy3333@aim.com
Regards,
MR.RICHARD KELLY
Wow! An email from R. Kelly! And he seems unconcerned about his recent legal problems.
Thankyou for your kind compliments of the season. It is rare to hear the phrase in May, so I assume you are, like me, a follower of Shazanity, the One True Faith*, in which case, may I wish you cackarrations on this fine fendality contilant festival.
Which denomination are you?
Andrew
_______________________
*may not be true
Oh my, the spell checker didn’t like that one bit.
Dear Andrew,I must thank you for your quick response to my proposal to you, it shows seriousness and I am delighted by it. The late Account Holder was born and raised in the United States . Please note that I am doing this transaction based on my moral justification and I believe that you will understand my position after reading through this mail. As this transaction is of high magnitude, I would want to properly and formally introduce myself to you. I am 46 years of age; I am married with two children, one lovely daughter and a son. I have worked with this firm as an auditor for 11 years. Presently I am the head of the auditing department, a position I occupy since 2000.
Already the deceased account has been declared dormant and by the end of this financial year, the funds could be declared as unclaimed or abandoned and therefore converted to company’s funds. This automatically will be shared amongst the owners [directors and share holders] of my company who are looking out for this kind of opportunities. Similar things have been happening in the past and now that I am well placed, it is hard for me to continue to allow it happen without doing a thing about it. Part of my motive is to spend more than half of my personal share after these funds are wired to your account on real estate and stock market. I can assure you that with the way I have planned this transaction, we can never have any kind of problems during and after this transaction. I will not like to put my name and family name in jeopardy and cannot think of loosing all that I have worked for instead, I would prefer to remain a poor man. I have studied your country’s laws regarding funds transfer of this nature and I can say that it is not a problem as long as we are able to provide your bank and Government authorities documents to prove that the funds are legitimate.
Let me explain the step by step procedures of this transaction so that you may have a better understanding. For us to affect this, you will stand in as the next of kin to the deceased. You will send in an application to the Head of International Remittance Division of my company that your entitlement be paid to you as the next of kin to deceased. Once approval is given, you will be contacted directly for them to process and effect transfer. Once an order for transfer has been given, I will take a leave of absence and travel down to meet with you in your country for my share. I have all the details of deceased as I have access to his confidential file in the office.
I view you to be in the capacity of a person that will be able to handle your own end of this project as I can not successfully conclude this deal without your assistance. It is therefore necessary that you tell me a little about yourself as I hope that you would not betray me. As for Trust, it is known fact that trusts is earned; it is not given out lightly. However, because I need you in this transaction, I am willing to give you 30% as your commission,by this forward the following information;
1) Full names and address2) Telephone and fax numbers you can be reached at all times3) Any valid IdentificationThe modalities for our project have been worked out carefully and we cannot go wrong as long as you work with me in unity. I am very positive that our success is highly dependent on how much dedication we have towards this project. Please my direct involvement in this transaction should not be mentioned to anybody that would be contacting you from my company else it will jeopardize this transaction. Upon the commencement of this transaction, you will be expected to make all direct communications with the Head of the International Fund Remittance Department of my company, while I will be behind the scene to tell you what to do and say.With your full support we will pull this through within 14 working days. I look forward to hearing from you so I can send you a copy of an application that you would send to my company.
Truly yours,
Richard Kelly
R. Kelly,I am interested by this venture.
Can I just ask one question: is this venture kankhakkad under Shazan Rhantactic law? I’d love to go ahead with this but I need this assurance. I don’t care about the unjust national laws but my religion is specious and very important to me.
Andrew
Dear Andrew
Even though I real don’t understand what you mean but I think it is since you believe in the religion.So i await the necessary information I asked you for.
Richard Kelly
R. Kelly,I am glad that this venture is kankhakkad. This is a great relief to me and means I can help you.
Please could you provide me with the stantantach, blessed by a holy Moggonite, so that I can verify the kankhakkadance?
I am sorry for this, but it is important to me.
Andrew
And he never got back to me. Damn him.
This is the first of two 419 scambaits I have kicking about in my inbox. I want to get rid of them, so I’m posting them up here. (That’s how my mind works, yes, any problem with that?)
from: Doreen Brown (doreen_brown0@yahoo.co.in)
reply-to: doreenbrown0@gmail.com
to: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
date: 8 May 2008 16:01
subject: ENDEAVOURDear Friend ,Brief Introduction, Am Mrs Doreen Brown, 40years old, a citizen of United Kingdom , Secretary to Engr. Edward Bill, Uni Diamonds Inc London UK ..I am soliciting for a dependable individual who will be able to handle multiple-tasks and will be well disposed towards work, with whom I can transact a well profitable business. Presently I have been assigned on a project to search for a product called CRYSTALLITE MULTI-CLEANSER-xhg.The Crystallite multi-cleanser-xhg is a new scientific chemical fluid substance manufactured in North Korea , is of lubricant mainly used in the Gemological Laboratory for the purification of diamonds, clarity treatment, its penetrate deep into diamond and vaporizes out black inclusion in diamonds and other precious stones listed below:-(1)both blue and colorless)(2)Mr. Clay Wilson president.Since 1977 Uni Diamonds Inc.
This product are rare and in high demand here in Britain, though not long it came to existence, it was introduce to our Company by a Chinese friend, Mrs. Liz Wong, a gemologist in Canada, who gave me a sample for text on my last visit to Canada.
In a moment, I have searched to a conclusive point, that this said product are specifically found in the Asian Regions in which We can purchase a large amount for supply, at an affordable price in Taiwan and Malaysia by a reputable dealer.The management of Uni Diamond has being mandated to come over to Asia to purchase the product mentioned above, but the issue right now is that I need the correspondence of a reliable partner just as I said earlier on, who will stand as the distributor.
The actual selling price from the dealers in Asia is (GBP £1,500) per pack-equivalent (USD $2,829.00), While is sold here in Britain at the rate of (GBP £3,500) to Gemological Companies.Meanwhile I don,t want our marketing manager to go directly to the dealers, because I have quoted the cost to be (GBP £2,700), per pack-equivalent (USD $5,092.00) and the management agreed with the offered price.My appeal to you is for your assistance, to get the product from the dealers then sale to our Company at the stipulated price as stated above, thereafter the profit will be shared base on percentage.The management is willing to purchase (Minimum of 15packs and maximum of 30packs) huge profit. Well it will be my pleasure to handle this transaction with you, note that the transaction will continue pending on your co-operation towards this first deal.Best Regards,Mrs Doreen Brown
Of course I was thrilled.
Doreen Brown! Wow, I’m such a huge fan! I loved the thing you did where you got that guy to dream something then built it around him only it was real. How did you do that? Is it all just faked?
Andrew
419 scammers do not listen to me.
Dear Andrew Taylor,In response to your question, the Crystallite multi-cleanser-xhg is a new scientific chemical fluid substance manufactured in North Korea , it’s of lubricant mainly used in the Gemological Laboratory for the purification of diamonds, clarity treatment, it penetrates deep into diamond and vaporizes out black inclusion in diamonds and other precious stones.
The supplier is currently living in Malaysia. I am leaking this secret to you for our mutual benefit. It’s a deal. The actual selling price from the dealer in Asia is GBP £1,500 per pack-equivalent USD $2,829.00, While it’s sold here in Britain at the rate of GBP £3,500 to Gemological Companies.Meanwhile I don’t want our marketing manager to go directly to the dealers, because I have quoted the cost to be GBP £2,700, per pack-equivalent USD $5,092.00 and the management agreed with the offered price.Having said much, base on how i got your contact and other relevant information about you,it was when i was making a rigoriuos inquiry about a competent and trust worthy personality in your country as a result of my quest i found out that your personality could be deemed necessary to carry out this deal diplomatically.However feel free to ask whatever you consider being asked.All I need from you is to raise some capital and secure the product from the seller before the arrival of the Purchasing Manager. I will give you contact details of the seller if you indicate your interest in this business.
I intend to be a sole distributed of the company after my resignation comes December this year and would want us to work as partners in future.Thanks for understanding and anticipated maximum cooperation.
Best Regards,
Mrs Doreen Brown
Her variety of fonts is clearly impressive.
Hi Doreen,
That’s amazing.
Is the $2829 in banknotes, or that funny blank money you used that time? I loved that the jewellers took it but that hot dog seller didn’t. That was great.
Andrew
I never got a reply. I can only suppose that I wasn’t suggestible enough for her trick to work.
Now, to go and dig up the second one…
