I’ve been meaning to post this for a while… But I’ve not been able to go any further with it. A while back I got this comment on this blog. It’s an attempt to get me to use my blog to pimp their website, which I have starred out one letter of to (a) hoard Google-juice, and (b) make them appear homosexual:
Author : Johnny Testa
E-mail :Â Johnny.Testa@askmen.com
URL Â Â :Â http://As*Men.com
Whois  : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=209.71.197.194
Comment:
An article on Penis Fracture by As*Men.com
Hi,
My name is Johnny Testa from As*Men.com – a unit of FOX Interactive Media. As the world’s largest men’s web portal, As*Men.com attracts more than 7 million readers each month.
I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know that AskMen.com recently published an article entitled “Penis Fracture” that I think would be of particular interest to your readers.
The article goes into detail about what can cause and what exactly is Penal Fracture.
You mean, penile fracture? Penal fracture would just be harsh.
I know, the title alone runs shivers down your spine, but rest assured this is real and it can happen. I’m sure you probably know everything about this topic but I thought you might enjoy reading what we have to say about it.
Here’s the linking URL:
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/sports/health_200/232_penis-fracture.html
Here are some other articles you may be interested in:
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/sports/health_150/186_mens_health.html
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/dating/love_tip_300/391_love_tip.html
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/dating/love_tip_200/209_love_tip.html
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/dating/dzimmer_100/102_love_answers.html
- Â Â Â Â http://www.as*men.com/specials/top_99_women/
Please feel free to post any portion of our articles, or use our content as you see fit, with credit given to As*Men.com. Please send me the link if you do choose to post any portion of our article.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions, comments, or suggestions.
I look forward to hearing back from you.
Regards,
Johnny Testa
As*Men.com
Er, no thanks.
Â
Hi Johnny,
Thanks, I enjoyed reading the article you sent me. As it happens, I was already aware of Penis Fracture — a friend of mine is a GP and one of her patients once presented with the condition. He was 15, and one of the boys at his school had told him you could use a bagel to simulate sex but he was too embarrassed to buy one, so he found a stale one in the trash. Apparently, stale bagels are pretty tough cookies. I thought she’d made the story up, but she says it’s not the strangest injury she’s ever had to refer.
I was considering putting the story up on my blog, but I ought to check if that would be against some kind of GP-patient privacy rules. If I do put up a post about it, can I use a paragraph or so from your article to get across to my readers that it’s a real condition?
Â
Andrew
Thanks to @Estie_Tabernak for that piece of bullshit.
Â
Hey Andrew,
Thanks for getting back to me. I’m glad you enjoyed reading the article. You can definitely use As*Men.com as reference as long as we are given credit and that there is a link leading to the As*Men.com article located somewhere in your post.
On another note, I cannot understand for the life of me why someone would use a bagel to please themselves, and I don’t know whether to laugh at the boy’s accident or cringe in pain.
Let me know if there is anything else that I can help you with.
Regards,
Johnny TestaÂ
Online Marketing CoordinatorÂ
johnny.testa@askmen.com
P: 514-908-2557Â
P: 514-908-2552 ext:257
AskMen.com – No.1 Men’s Portal WorldwideÂ
http://www.as*men.comÂ
A division of IGN Entertainment, A unit of Fox Interactive Media, Inc.
Â
You may have noticed that I’ve stripped out the links from this ‘article’.
Â
Thanks for getting back to me. I’m glad you enjoyed reading the article. You can definitely use As*Men.com as reference as long as we are given credit and that there is a link leading to the As*Men.com article located somewhere in your post.
Thanks. At the moment I’m looking at using it as a kind of a ‘cold open’ — straight into a blockquote. If I’m quoting a big chunk, I like to open with it. The RSS feed might show a couple of sentences of your article, though, and readers wouldn’t see the credit unless they clicked through. Is that a problem? I can change it if it is.
On another note, I cannot understand for the life of me why someone would use a bagel to please themselves, and I don’t know whether to laugh at the boy’s accident or cringe in pain.Â
That was my first thought too. You’d be better off with a donut — they’re softer and cheaper and if you get a cream-filled one it’d be more realistic. Still, hindsight, eh? (Not a jam one, though — I mean, each to their own and all that, but for my money that’s not an appealing visual. Also, jam might have seeds in it. That would sting. Not that I’ve tried it. Obviously. That would be ridiculous.)
Let me know if there is anything else that I can help you with.
There might be. Do you know if As*Men.com has an article on this topic that I could reference:Â
http://www.tiscali.co.uk/lifestyle/healthfitness/menshealth/part1_4-1.html – specifically about the effects of heat? Only there’s another story I was hoping to squeeze into the blog post, about keeping things cool, and it would be good to have a quote to introduce that one too. (I won’t tell you that story unless you ask — it’s much,Â
much worse than the bagel one and people don’t usually thank me for telling it.
Well, you’ll see it if you read the finished blog post, so don’t say you weren’t warned.
Thanks,
Andrew
Â
I wonder if he will read the finished blog post.
Â
Hey Andrew, as long as the feed leads to our article than its fine.
You might find something about your other topic in one of the two links I provided:
http://www.as*men.com/dating/keywords/sperm-count.html
http://www.as*men.com/dating/keywords/semen.html
I’m curious about the story you’re referring to but I think I will read it when you have posted it on your site.
 Let me know if you need anything else.
Â
Still, here it is:
Â
Hi Johnny,
I’ve been having a go at writing this and here is what I have so far. I thought I’d let you have a check over it before I publish it, to make sure you’re okay with how I’ve used your material and because you seem to know about these things. I’d hate to take a paragraph out of context and change the message or anything. Let me know what you think or if you have any suggestions. (If you don’t want to read the second half then I entirely understand.) Thanks.
Penis fractures are a reality. To call it a “fracture” may be a inaccurate when talking about the penis, which has no bone, but the cracking sound, intense pain, and immediate swelling and bruising mimic fractures that occur in bones. Sometimes, blood may appear at the urethra, indicating damage to the urethra itself; this is a more severe type of penis fracture that requires involved surgery to repair.
Penis fractures usually occur when the penis strikes the pubic bone or the perineum of a partner during rigorous sexual activity. Rolling over in bed with an erect penis in the middle of the night has also been implicated as a way to fracture a penis. Penis fractures have also been reported as occurring when a man rushes to get clothed when the penis is erect — imagine that scenario.
The above is from As*Men.com’s fascinating but slightly disturbing article on Penis Fracture. You might not want to imagine the scenario they describe, but a friend of mine has little choice: she once treated a patient who suffered a penis fracture at the tender age of 15. At his school there was a story going around that the most realistic way to simulate sex was using a bagel. (A lazy Saturday, a trip to Tesco and the rigorous application of the scientific method are all you need to know that this story is clearly not true.) Of course, the local shop soon figured out what was going on after the tenth or so nervous-looking boy turned up asking for a single bagel and a pack of cream cheese. (I rather suspect they put the story about in the first place.) The hero of this tale was too shy to go to said shop if it meant they’d know what he wanted to do with their bagel, and he didn’t think his parents would take kindly to his taking one of theirs. Eventually he looked in the kitchen bin and found one there. He ran off to his room and started to make sweet love to the savoury snack.
He had not eaten a bagel before and didn’t know what they are supposed to feel like, but now we know that the bagel had been thrown out because it was very, very stale. Fortunately, he managed to get to hospital on time, where presumably he was far more embarrassed than he would have been in the shop. I’m told he’s since made a full recovery, although since he was a virgin at the time there’s really no way to know.
Some people find that story a little hard to hear. If you’re one of those people then you should definitely not read the next story. If you’re brave enough to continue, then first you should read this background, again from As*Men.com:
The reason your testicles hang from your body and don’t reside inside it like a woman’s ovaries, is because they need to be a few degrees cooler than the rest of your body. So wearing tight underwear or tight pants that keeps them pressed up against your 98.6° body is not a good idea. As well, sleep naked if you can, to ensure coolness.
Ensuring coolness is undoubtedly important, but there are limits. We all know the attraction of the Cold Shower. But like anything, such things can get addictive. There is a chilling story, told at our university, which has been passed down from one year group to the next. Apparently in 2001 there was a student in the chemistry department (his name was Patrick, but to protect his anonymity I shall call him Brian) who got obsessed with cold showers, to the point where he couldn’t get turned on unless he was colder and colder. Eventually they weren’t enough, and he started rolling in snow or taking ice baths. You could see his skin turning redder by the day. There was some concern over how all this was affecting what remained of his sex life (he wasn’t what you’d call promiscuous; why do you think he was taking all those cold showers in the first place?) but these concerns suddenly became somewhat academic one Friday afternoon.
At first nobody made the connection. Brian hadn’t turned up at lectures for almost the whole next week, and one of the lab technicians found two pieces of what appeared to be freshly chopped pork in dusty corners of the floor. It was known that students would occasionally let themselves into the labs after hours to work on their projects — it wasn’t really allowed but the professors never complained because it meant they got more work done. The assumption was that someone had had dinner in the lab, but after two days trying to find out who it was, a member of ambulance staff told them what the meat actually was.
It seems that Brian had been working on his final year project after the department closed on the Friday evening, but in the corner of the lab was a large insulated container containing liquid nitrogen. Apparently, after a while, the temptation was too great and it overcame him. Of course, once chilled to 77 Kelvin, the nerves were not responsive, and in his numb frustration he got more vigorous until he collided with something and his frozen penis literally shattered.
While he waited for the ambulance, he gathered up all the shards of his manhood that he could find. They couldn’t be reattached, and nobody really thinks he ever held out much hope of that, but he did hope to prevent anyone figuring out what had happened.
Obviously he didn’t manage to keep the event a secret, but if his tale can prevent anyone else from trying such an ill-thought-out method of self abuse then its publication will be worthwhile.
I look forward to hearing your comments.
Thanks again,
Andrew
Â
That ought to tip him off.
Â
The article looks good Andrew, no complaints on my end. Let me know when the article goes live on your site.
Â
Ah.
Â
Hi Johnny,
Bad news, I’m afraid. My webhosts have said that an article about simulated sex and genital injury would violate their terms and conditions. I tried to explain to them that this isn’t filth; it’s a public-spirited warning about genuine dangers that men face, but they said it wasn’t about blocking pornography but ensuring their sites can be seen behind corporate and educational filters, and that some of the terms I’d used might cause their sites to be blocked. I’ve sent them a new version of the article, but I guess I should ask you to look at it too, to make sure you’re okay with it — after all, many of the disputed words appear in the quotes from your site. Some parts of it don’t make much sense, but it has to look like real sentences: can’t just replace i with ! any more — the filters are cleverer than that now. If you both okay it, I’ll post it up. Also any suggestions for better ways to disguise it would be welcome:
Pen fractures are a reality. To call it a “fracture” may be a inaccurate when talking about the pens, which have no bone, but the cracking sound, intense pain, and immediate swelling and bruising mimic fractures that occur in bones. Sometimes, blood may appear Ulrika, indicating damage to Ulrika herself; this is a more severe type of pen fracture that requires involved surgery to repair.
Pen fractures usually occur when the pens strike the public bone or the palladium of a partner during rigorous textual activity. Rolling over in a bid to elect the President in the middle of the night has also been implicated as a way to fracture pens. Pen fractures have also been reported as occurring when a man rushes to get clothed when the President is elect — imagine that scenario.
The above is from As*Men.com’s fascinating but slightly disturbing article on Pen Fracture (which you can read unedited on their site). You might not want to imagine the scenario they describe, but a friend of mine has little choice: she once treated a patient who suffered a pen fracture at the tender age of 15. At his school there was a story going around that the most realistic way to emulate a NES was using a bagel. (A lazy Saturday, a trip to Tesco and the rigorous application of the scientific method are all you need to know that this story is clearly not true.) Of course, the local shop soon figured out what was going on after the tenth or so nervous-looking boy turned up asking for a single bagel and a pack of cream cheese. (I rather suspect they put the story about in the first place.) The hero of this tale was too shy to go to said shop if it meant they’d know what he wanted to do with their bagel, and he didn’t think his parents would take kindly to his taking one of theirs. Eventually he looked in the kitchen bin and found one there. He ran off to his room and started to whisper sweet nothings to the savoury snack.
He had not eaten a bagel before and didn’t know what they are supposed to feel like, but now we know that the bagel had been thrown out because it was very, very stale. Fortunately, he managed to get to hospital on time, where presumably he was far more embarrassed than he would have been in the shop. I’m told he’s since made a full recovery, although since he was a Virgo at the time there’s really no way to know.
Some people find that story a little hard to hear. If you’re one of those people then you should definitely not read the next story. If you’re brave enough to continue, then first you should read this background, again from As*Men.com:
The reason your tribunals hang from your body and don’t reside inside it like a woman’s nunneries, is because they need to be a few degrees cooler than the rest of your body. So wearing tight underwater or tight paints that keeps them pressed up against your 98.6° body is not a good idea. As well, sleep faked if you can, to ensure coolness.
Ensuring coolness is undoubtedly important, but there are limits. We all know the attraction of the Cold Flower. But like anything, such things can get addictive. There is a chilling story, told at our university, which has been passed down from one year group to the next. Apparently in 2001 there was a student in the chemistry department (his name was Patrick, but to protect his anonymity I shall call him Brian) who got obsessed with cold flowers, to the point where he couldn’t get tuned in unless he was colder and colder. Eventually they weren’t enough, and he started rolling in snow or taking ice baths. You could see his skin turning redder by the day. There was some concern over how all this was affecting what remained of his socks life (he wasn’t what you’d call Prometheus; why do you think he was taking all those cold flowers in the first place?) but these concerns suddenly became somewhat academic one Friday afternoon.
At first nobody made the connection. Brian hadn’t turned up at lectures for almost the whole next week, and one of the lab technicians found two pieces of what appeared to be freshly chopped pork in dusty corners of the floor. It was known that students would occasionally let themselves into the labs after hours to work on their projects — it wasn’t really allowed but the professors never complained because it meant they got more work done. The assumption was that someone had had dinner in the lab, but after two days trying to find out who it was, a member of ambulance staff told them what the meat actually was.
It seems that Brian had been working on his final year project after the department closed on the Friday evening, but in the corner of the lab was a large insulated container containing liquid nitrogen. Apparently, after a while, the temptation was too great and it overcame him. Of course, once chilled to 77 Kelvin, the nerves were not responsive, and in his numb frustration he got more vigorous until he collided with something and his frozen pens literally shattered.
While he waited for the ambulance, he gathered up all the shards of his neighbourhood that he could find. They couldn’t be reattached, and nobody really thinks he ever held out much hope of that, but he did hope to prevent anyone figuring out what had happened.
Obviously he didn’t manage to keep the event a secret, but if his tale can prevent anyone else from trying such an ill-thought-out method of self obtuse then its publication will be worthwhile.
Andrew
Â
Is this bad enough yet?
Â
Just word it to say fractures of the groin area. For the record “Penis†is an educational term used to describe a part of the male human anatomy, tell your webhosts that it’s human nature and that it could not possibly block anything to do with education.
Johnny TestaÂ
Online Marketing CoordinatorÂ
johnny.testa@askmen.com
P: 514-908-2557Â
P: 514-908-2552 ext:257
As*Men.com – No.1 Men’s Portal WorldwideÂ
http://www.as*men.comÂ
A division of IGN Entertainment, A unit of Fox Interactive Media, Inc.
Â
No.
Â
This is from an email from my hosts: “We realise “Penis” is an educational term, but many schools and companies’ internet services filter based on word lists, and “Penis” is a common word on those lists.”
They said they agree that the article should be posted, but couldn’t make an exception to their policy. They did suggest using elaborate innuendo to make the point without using my word substitutions. That might be a good idea. Any thoughts?
Â
Apparently not.
But he’s not replied since, so I think this is over.
