Apathy Sketchpad

Okay, so…

Andrew_Taylor I did consider changing my Twitter username to @ndrewtaylor but it looks stupid in all other contexts. 23 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor lol @andrew_taylor is a nonce 21 minutes ago from web

It’s worth mentioning this account was set up purely for making-this-tweet purposes.

Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor Yeah? Well YOU LOOK STUPID IN ALL OTHER CONTEXTS! Oh, snap! 19 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor least im not a noncing nonce you fucking nonce 19 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor I’m not at all convinced ‘nonce’ can be used as a verb. 17 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor yeah it can. andrew taylor went noncing 1 day and nonced up a kid. you manchester nonce 16 minutes ago from web

Okay, now bear with me here, because when Friz joins in replies start coming in out of order and things get a tad confusing (more so):

frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor I think @ndrewtaylor is going to be my #FollowFriday this week. 15 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle fuck you fatty with shades 14 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor No, I still think that’s ungrammatical. (Also, false.) 13 minutes ago from web

frizfrizzle @ndrewtaylor You’re an odd individual. 13 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle Let’s see if he lasts that long before being thrown off Twitter. 13 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor id have thought you were a grammar nazi. or a nonci (nonce+nazi) lol 12 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle sorry mate cant hear you over all the pies your fucking 11 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor Gold. Utter gold. Any more pantomime villains you want to call me? You haven’t called me a terrorist yet. 10 minutes ago from web

frizfrizzle How odd. @ndrewtaylor is accusing my friend of being a paedophile, and accusing me of having sex with pies. 10 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor why is your profile a drawing are you so butt ugly 9 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle by friend you mean lover gay boooooooooi 9 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle Explicitly, or did he mistype and call you a piedophile? 9 minutes ago from web

I appreciate that this is not the best advert for Twitter.

frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor Well, he seems to be a fan portmanteaus. Did you SEE the “nonci” quip? Had me on the FLOOR! 17 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle It was a total nonce-sequitur! HAHA! 16 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle I wouldn’t mind if he’d at least follow me and add to my perceived popularity. 15 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor sall just words mate. 15 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle yeah you thought american Pie was a documentary fatty 15 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor Some of it isn’t even that. 15 minutes ago from web

frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor I think he’s just F5-ing the @ reply page. 14 minutes ago from web

garethpwatkins @Andrew_Taylor What’s the deal with@ndrewtaylor? 14 minutes ago from Tweetie

ndrewtaylor @garethpwatkins ha more of his bum buddies coming to white knight him. leave him to nonce, mate 13 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor words words words words words words words words words words yeah i can type words 13 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @garethpwatkins How should I know? 12 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor @garethpwatkinsso what are you three like the three nonceketeers 14 minutes ago from web

Andrew_Taylor @ndrewtaylor So I see. Maybe one day you’ll master sentences. 14 minutes ago from web

garethpwatkins @Andrew_Taylor I assumed he was your nemesis/evil twin. 6 minutes ago from Tweetie

ndrewtaylor @Andrew_Taylor yeah i bet you love being the master and you want me to be your slave gay boi 3 minutes ago from web

frizfrizzle @garethpwatkins I personally hope it’s actually@Andrew_Taylor. Like a sort of Fight Club ending. 3 minutes ago from web

frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor @garethpwatkins Oh christ, it has some sort of profile pic. 2 minutes ago from web

ndrewtaylor @frizfrizzle you on about me mate thats my girllfriend your on about 1 minute ago from web

garethpwatkins @frizfrizzle @Andrew_Taylor Can’t see it on Tweetie. I’ll just assume it’s a Swastika. 1 minute ago from Tweetie

frizfrizzle I find @ndrewtaylor’s tweets more fun to read in a Welsh accent. less than a minute ago from web

garethpwatkins @Andrew_Taylor @frizfrizzle Oh God it’s following me. Me and my big mouth. less than 10 seconds ago from Tweetie

And this may be continuing…

Channel4 is currently rerunning Derren Brown’s “Trick Or Treat”. Here is a cartoon about the finale of the second series, which you can if you like watch now.

I drew it for their Coops’ Birthday competition. It didn’t win, but then I didn’t especially expect it to.

The three exclamation marks at the end are my favourite bit of this one:

from: beverley.mcgarrell@touro.edu
to:
date: 14 April 2008 13:22
subject: Contact Mr.Orlando Max For Claims

FROM THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR INTERNATIONAL WORLDWIDE INTERNET USER LOTTERY PRIZE AWARD DEPT.

Dear Internet User,

YOUR WINNING NOTIFICATION FOR USING THE INTERNET.

I am pleased to inform you that one of the best things that can happen to any Internet user is to be rewarded for spending money and time on the Internet. You may not have known that over one hundred billion people daily surf the Internet on regular basis for one reason or other.
These Internet users including yourself, pay access fees to various Internet Service Providers (ISP) all over the world who in turn remit surplus funds to the numerous World Wide Internet Technology Companies (WWITC)for the development and advancement of Global Information Technology.

So much money is generated from people like you all over the World for using the Information Superhighway (the Internet) without your being aware the enormous sum that go to the stake holders (WWWITC). Without your patronage, this would not have been possible. After we conducted a research on the issue, we concluded that Internet users should be
compensated. As a result, we embarked on a worldwide lottery promotion with a sophisticated automated database to randomly select E-mail accounts that frequently surf the Internet. Consequent upon this, your E-mail address was picked for Category “A” ‚Winners.

After the automated computer ballot, your E-mail address emerged as a winner in the category “A” with the following numbers attached

Ref Number: PW EH 9590 OG 0612,
Batch Number: PA  563881545-NL/2007

You and other category “A” ‚ winners are therefore to receive a cash prize of One Million Five hundred United States Dollars
($1,500,000.00)respectively from the total payout of One million US Dollars earmarked in the lottery for category “A” ‚ winners. Your prize award has been insured with your E-mail address, which qualified you for the lottery
and will be transferred to you upon meeting our requirements, statutory obligations, verifications, validations and satisfactory proof of  E-mail address ownership.

To file in for the processing of your money, you are advised to contact our certified and accredited claims agent for category “A” winners with the information below:

CLAIMS AGENT.
Name: Mr.Orlando Max
Phone: +447031935556
E-mail:surfpriceclaimsagent014@yahoo.com.cn

You will provide him with the following information:

First name:
Last Name:
Telephone/Fax number:
Nationality:
Age:
Occupation:

NOTE: All winnings must be claimed not later than 14 days, thereafter unclaimed funds would be forfeited after a trio repeated forwarding of this message to you without your response. Remember to quote your reference information in all correspondence. (Ref No: PW EH 9590 OG 0612,Batch No: PA  563881545-NL/2007),

You are to keep all lotto information confidential, especially your reference numbers and the password of your E-mail address. Since we do not know you, if an impostor hacks your E-mail account ID and claims your money without our knowledge, we shall not be liable. Double claims will
not be entertained so be careful. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible.

Congratulations! Thank you for being a user of the World Wide Web.

Yours Faithfully,
Mary Jones
Lottery Coordinator.
Thank you and
congratulations!!!

!!!

This all seems eminently plausible.

This is amazing! I had no idea that the internet operated this way. I had assumed the excess money gathered by ISPs was some kind of ‘profit’. I didn’t realise there was a “prize fund” of a million dollars, so obviously it comes as a shock that I appear to have won 150% of that money. I presume this apparent contradiction is actually subsidised by the fact that every day over 1500% of the world’s population use the internet. I thank the WWITC and the WWWITC for this amazing and dare I say mathematically impossible prize!

Please Internet me my winnings as soon as possible!

Andrew

This didn’t put him off, but don’t worry, the next bit did.

from: Mr.Orlando Max
to: Andrew Taylor
date: 14 April 2008 15:21
subject: Fill and return Claims Form.
Signed by: yahoo.com.cn

VERIFICATION AND FUND RELEASE FORM

1.FULL NAMES:__________________________________
2.ADDRESS:_____________________________________________
3.SEX:_______________
4.AGE:________
5.MARITAL STATUS:___________________
6.OCCUPATION:________________________
7.E-MAIL ADDRESS:_____________________________
8.TELEPHONE NUMBER:_____________________
9.BATCH NUMBER:____________________ B. REF NUMBER:______________
10.BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF COMPANY/INDIVIDUAL___________

11.AMOUNT WON:___________________________________

12. COUNTRY________________________________

Upon receipt of the duly requested data, I will send
you the contact information of the payment office so you
can proceed with effecting the release of your claim after

Proper verification exercise to verify if you are the true

owner of the e-mail address that won this cash price.

Warm Regards,

Orlando Max(Mr).

Everyone loves forms.

VERIFICATION AND FUND RELEASE FORM

1.FULL NAMES:______ANDREW BORIS CRAIG DAVID EDWARD FRANK GRAHAM HAROLD IAIN JAMES KEITH LIAM MIKE NEIL OLIVER PAUL QUENTIN ROGER SAM TYLER_____
2.ADDRESS:___________54354 BOND ROAD STREET AVENUE, MGH453 972FGB______
3.SEX:______FEFEFEFEFEFEMALE_________
4.AGE:___2194794_____
5.MARITAL STATUS:_____POLYGAMIST________
6.OCCUPATION:_________NINE ACCOUNTANTS_______________
7.E-MAIL ADDRESS:________ANDREW@ANDREW@ANDREW.ANDREW.ANDREW@ANDREW@MICOROSFT.HOTMAIL.GMAIL.YAHOO@COM.COM.COM.COM.COM.CO.COM_____________________
8.TELEPHONE NUMBER:_____4815162342-7593875386023774352873988573425843731/1______
9.BATCH NUMBER:_____03875-38975-39809897575039740_______________ B. REF NUMBER:____93832920193-9375960870876/5__________
10.BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF COMPANY/INDIVIDUAL____9 FEET TALL_______

11.AMOUNT WON:_______£5,000,000,000,000___________________

12. COUNTRY_______THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN, NORTHERN IRELAND, FRANCE, ANDORRA, SPAIN, PORTUGAL, GERMANY, ITALY, AND THE NICE PARTS OF BELGIUM_________________________

Upon receipt of the duly requested data, I will send
you the contact information of the payment office so you
can proceed with effecting the release of your claim after

Proper verification exercise to verify if you are the true

owner of the e-mail address that won this cash price.

Warm Regards,

Orlando Max(Mr).

Tel:+447031935556

I never heard back, so I don’t have my winnings. This is most vexing.