Apathy Sketchpad

According to the manufacturers, my diary contains “detailed information pages”.

Here is some information that is not included anywhere in my diary:

• A map of the city where I live
• Timetables for bus or train services

Here is some of the information that did make the cut:

• Road and rail maps of London, where I never go.
• A relief map of South America.
• A chart to show which wines are best.
• The number of ounces in a hectogram, whatever the crap a hectogram is.
• The dialling code for Trinidad and Tobago.
• The UN’s web address.
• The phone number of the Association of British Insurers

I simply cannot think what that’s for. There are loads of phone numbers in there. The ones for airports and suchlike I can imagine being useful, but all of the others are not. In what situation would I be able to call Sports Wales but not Directory Enquiries? Is it for if I’m at a payphone and only have 50p? This stuff is what Google is for. Why do these idiots think it’s useful to me to have the Patent Office’s phone number about my person at all times? Do they think I’ll be in a shop, think “hey, that product violates patent number US D522914!” and immediately call them up so they can send their emergency response unit in? Didn’t they notice as they were compiling all that information how incredibly easy a job it was, and why didn’t it occur to them that if they could track it down with such ease, so could anyone else?

Maybe if there is an asteroid hurtling towards me and I don’t have time for Directory Enquiries, I can look up the Liberal Democrat Party’s phone number in my diary and alert Lembit Opik.

It’s ridiculous.