If Drinking Gives You a Beer Belly, How Do You Get a Pot Belly?

On Saturday I got back from the Netherlands. They’re very nice.

Bit of a nightmare getting there: I was picked out at random by the metal detector and frisked, then I was the 25th person through the gate so I was questioned by the government survey woman. Then KLM lost my bag with all my spare clothes, although to be fair they did give me a little bag with an XXL t-shirt, a toothbrush, some other toiletries (including no soap or shower gel) and some detergent. To me, that was just mean. Then the train was rerouted, so a 2-and-a-half hour journey became a three hour journey. My one set of fitting clothes was becoming less and less suited for prolonged use. My bag arrived at 10pm the following day, with a voucher for €25 off any flight of €100 or more – which frankly is the second shittest attempt at compensation anyone’s ever given me (first place going to N at the National Express). Anyhow.

Actually, bit of a nightmare getting back, too. The plane was delayed for two hours because there wasn’t a pilot and apparently KLM don’t have anyone on standby. We couldn’t wait in the bar or get anything to eat or drink, of course, because Schipol’s security checks are after those things and they couldn’t be bothered checking us again. Then literally all the trains from Manchester Airport were cancelled for no stated reason, and the monitor that said where the bus went was broken. But at least I had my bag. Anyhow.

The Netherlands are of interest just now. While I was there I learned that I’d got there about a week before they caught up with other European countries and implemented a smoking ban, one year to the day after we did. This ban relates specifically to tobacco. It has to, because technically marijuana is as illegal there as it is here, and you can’t really ban something without first legalising it. It’s allowed in ‘coffee shops’, as there’s a long-standing policy of not enforcing the laws against it (if you follow the rules), because, well, because enforcing it is very expensive and clearly doesn’t work. (Personally, I’m not sure what exactly the aim of drug laws are in the first place: be it to reduce crime, or cut off funding to the suppliers – who are mostly pretty unpleasant, but then so are Nestlé and chocolate is legal – or to stop people taking it. But since the bikes I saw in Holland were left unlocked, and the locked ones I see in Manchester have no wheels, seats or chains, I’m pretty sure none of those things has happened.)

So given this very mature, liberal and pragmatic attitude, you’d think the Dutch authorities would say, perhaps, that tobacco is okay when mixed with marijuana in a licensed coffee shop. Okay, so perhaps people would go there just to smoke it, but is that a major problem? That’s exactly what happens anyway; the only difference would be they’d be smoking something legal.

No.

The Food and Consumer Product Safety Authority, which is responsible for enforcing the ban, said it had trained around 200 inspectors. "They can tell the difference between a mix or a pure joint from its smell and appearance," said a spokesman.

I expect that was a pretty easy vacancy to fill.

So now mild joints are banned, and strong ones are allowed? You’re allowed to buy any strength joint you want, but you have to go home to smoke the mild ones? Smoking tobacco in a café is not allowed, but smoking cannabis is? Tobacco can be smoked in the street but not a café; marijuana can be smoked in cafés but not in the street? The whole thing is just surreal. I can see how they got there, but where they’ve got is mad in anyone’s books.

It might be time to tear up all laws and start again.