Apathy Sketchpad

A few days ago, I got an email from a man pretending he was trying to sell me gold dust. But he wasn’t specific enough…

From: zongo usman <zongo_usman_18@hotmail.fr>
Reply to: zongo_44us@excite.com
Date: Oct 29, 2007 6:44 PM
Subject: GOLD DUST FOR SALE

Attention please,
I am Mr.ZONGO USMAN ,a minner working with the federal ministry of natural resources of my country.Life in the mines is quite a dangerious one as some of us sometimes die in the mines while the government and its cohorts enjoy the proceeds at the expense of our lives.
To this effect therefore,some of us who have the mind have decided to steal 250 kilos of 22 karat gold(both gold bars and alluvial gold dust are available) Sell it and run to foreign countries with our families.The price of the gold is $5000 per kilo.

Considering the secracy involved in this kind of deal,we are scared to contact anyhow person.But,we have contacted you with the hope that you will keep the secrecy at the sametime assist us to either sell the gold or
buy it from us. This is our last opportunity and we are not ready to lose it. If you are serious and ready to buy from us or assist us in getting capable buyers. kindly show your interest by replying this mail to this mail id or its alternative as shown below. For security reasons we will at this time communicate via e-mail considering the security reasons involved until we know actually that you are with us then we will give you a contact telephone number.

We have to inform you that some top officials of the mines are involved and will assist to produce all necessary documents which will back up the gold as one that has legally and directly bought from the ministry of gold and natural resources. This therefore makes this a 100% risk free deal.

Get back to us as quickly as possible so that we will move the gold out in alluvial dust or bars depending of the one that you will need.
Waiting to hearing from you soon.
Mr.ZONGO USMAN
Burkina Faso West Africa

Yes, on balance I would like some gold dust. Especially if it’s 100% risk free.

From: Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
To: zongo_44us@excite.com
Date: Oct 29, 2007 6:52 PM
Subject: Re: GOLD DUST FOR SALE

I am very interested in buying alluvial gold dust. I hear it’s very hard to come by. It’s almost like gold dust.

Andrew

Unfortunately the phrase “100% risk free” changed slightly in the next mail…

From: zongo usman <zongo_44us@yahoo.com>
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Oct 30, 2007 7:08 PM
Subject:MORE INFORMATION ON THE GOLD DUST

HELLO MY DEAR TAYLOR

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL AND YOUR INTEREST OVER THE ALLUVIAL GOLD DUST I AM GREATFUL.

BASE ON YOUR MAIL . THE BUSINESS IS 100% FREE RISK . I AM AN HONEST MAN AND I DONT DO ILLEGAL BUSINESS . YOU NEED NOT TO WORRY . I AM A LEGAL MAN .
SECONDLY WE HAVE ONLY TWO OPTION/ WAY OF TRANSFRING THE GOLD DUST TO YOU .

1 AN INTERESTED BUYER WILL VISIT MY COUNTRY JUST TO INSPECT THE GOLD DUST AND TO SEE WHAT HE/SHE WANT TO BUY . IF AFTER INSPECTING THE BUYER FINE THE GOLD DUST GOOD BASE ON THE BUYERS INTEREST . THEN HE CAN TEST IT AND BUY .

2. IN THE CASE WHERE THE BUYER WILL NOT BE EBLE THE COME TO MY COUNTRY FOR INSPECTION OF THE GOLD DUST . THEN WE CAN MOVE THE GOLD DUST TO HIM IN HIS COUNTRY WHERE HE CAN TEST THE GOLD DUST AND BUYER BASE ON HOW MANY KILOS OF THE GOLD DUST THE BUYER NEED.

SO YOU ARE ADVICE TO CHOSE ANY ONE OF THESE OPTIONS SO THAT WE CAN MOVE TO THE NEXT STEP OF THE ONE YOU CHOSE .
FURTHERMORE PLEASE TELL US HOW MANY KILOS OF THE GOLD DUST YOU NEED . WHERE IS WHAT WE HAVE AND THE PRICE
THEY GOLD DUST WE HAVE IS 22CARAT AND WE HAVE 250KILOS
THE PRICE IS $5000 DOLLARS PER KILO .
PLEASE TELL ME HOW MANY KILOS YOU NEED

PLEASE GIVE THIS INFORMATION BELOW . SO THAT WE CAN GET THE DOCUMENT COVERING THE TRANSACTION FOR YOU .

1 YOUR FULL NAME ……………….
2 YOUR COUNTRY NAME…………………..
3 YOUR FULL HOME/OFFICE ADDRESS………………….
4 YOUR FAX/TELEPHONE NUMBER ……………………….

MEANWHILE ARE YOU THE BUYER OR YOUR REFERRING US TO A BUYER PLEASE LET US KNOW ?

I AM WAITTING TO HEAR FORM YOU URGENT SO THAT I WILL KNOW THE NEXT STEP TO FELLOW

THANKS
MR ZONGO USMAN

His grasp of English had deteriorated markedly. Possibly he has some kind of progressive brain disease (and/or oesophageal cancer).

From: Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
To: zongo usman <zongo_44us@yahoo.com>
Date: Oct 30, 2007 7:24 PM
Subject: Re: MORE INFORMATION ON THE GOLD DUST

Mr Zongo

I am glad that you are a legal man. Once I found myself doing business with a man who had been banned in 48 states, and the police arrived and cautioned me for being in possession of him. It was most confusing.

I would like more information on the source of your gold dust. I read in a magazine that 90% of gold dust is actually tiny flakes of skin from gold people, such as Dale Winton.

Andrew

He sought to dispel my irrational and made-up fears:

From: zongo usman <zongo_44us@yahoo.com>
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Oct 30, 2007 8:42 PM
Subject: URGENT REPLY NEEDED

ELLO MR TAYLOR

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL . I AM GLAD THAT YOU HAVE UNDERSTANDING IN LIFE .

BASE ON YOUR MAIL THERE IS LIKE WHAT YOU SEE FACE TO FACE . THE GOLD DUST AS I SAID EAILER HAVE NOT TO DO WITH WHAT YOU SAID .
THEY GOLD DUST IS A RAW GOLD DUST . SO IF YOU WANT TO BUY . LET ME KNOW HOW MANY KILOS OF THEY GOLD DUST YOU NEED TO BUY . SO WHEN YOU SEE THEY GOLD DUST FACE TO FACE . THEN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I AM A MAN OF MY WORD .

SECONDLY AS I SAID IN MY MAIL . THEY WAY TO GET THE GOLD DUST IS ONLY TWO OPTIONS .

IS ETHER YOU COUNTRY TO MY COUNTRY TO INSPECT THEY GOLD DUST YOUR WANT TO BUY OR IN THE CASE THAT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO COME TO MY COUNTRY . THEN YOU CAN LET ME KNOW HOW MANY KILOS OF THE GOLD DUS YOU NEED SO THAT I CAN MOVE TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR YOU TO TEST IT AND BUY . IF POSSBLE . YOU CAN CALL ME FOR MORE INFORMATION ON TELEPHONE . +226 76 29 24 92 I WILL BE WAITTING FOR YOUR CALL

THANKS

I WILL BE WAITTING FOR YOUR MAIL

MR ZONGO USMAN

I still wasn’t sure. But his language skills had dropped another notch, so I kept going.

From: Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
To: zongo usman <zongo_44us@yahoo.com>
Date: Oct 30, 2007 10:09 PM
Subject: Re: URGENT REPLY NEEDED

Dear Zongo,

Thankyou for your reassurances.

Before I make an order I need to organise transportation for the gold dust. To do so I need to know how much a kilogram of gold dust weighs. Could you send me this information? After that I shall be able to calculate an order.

Thankyou again,

Andrew

One would think that this was a very easy request that Zongo would be hard pressed to get wrong. But one would be underestimating both Zongo’s grasp of logic and his ever-diminishing verbal skills.

From: zongo usman <zongo_44us@yahoo.com>
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Oct 31, 2007 7:11 PM
Subject: PLEASE I AM WAITTING

HELLO ANDREW

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL MEANWHILE HOW ARE YOU TODAY AND YOUR BUSINESS TOO.

BASE ON YOUR MAIL THEY WEIGTH OF 1 KILO OF GOLD DUST HERE AS I KNOW IS 5.7 IN WEIGH
PRICE PER KILO IS $5000 DOLLARS .
THEY GOLD DUST 22 CARAT

HOWEVER THEY TRANSPORTTAION OF THEY GOLD DUST OF MY COUNTRY IS NOT YOUR DUTY . IF REALLY WANT TO BUY THEY GOLD DUST . PLEASE LET KNOW HOW MANY KILOS OF THEY GOLD DUST YOU WANT TO BUY . TRANSPORTATION IS MY DUTY OK

I AM WAITTING TO HEAR FROM YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

THANKS

MR ZONGO USMAN

I know of no unit which is equal to ten fifty-sevenths of a kilogram. If anyone has any idea what units this refers to then do please let me know. And if he wants to know how me and my business are, then I suppose I will tell him.

From: Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
To: zongo usman <zongo_44us@yahoo.com>
Date: Oct 31, 2007 7:41 PM
Subject: Re: PLEASE I AM WAITTING

Mr Zongo

Thankyou for replying. I am well, however my business has fallen into the sea due to coastal erosion. Oh well, these things happen I suppose.

I should warn you that I use Linux. Is the gold dust compatible with my computer or will I need to boot into Windows to use it?

Andrew

I was running out of inane gold-dust questions.

From: zongo usman <zongo_44us@yahoo.com>
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Nov 1, 2007 7:51 PM
Subject: PLEASE I AM SORRY

TAYLOR

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL . I RECEIVE THEY MAIL YOU SEND TO ME I AM GEARTFULL .

BASE ON YOUR MAIL I AM SORRY ON WHAT HAPPY TO YOUR BUSINESS . MEANWHILE I DONT UNDERSTAND OTHER PART OF YOUR MAIL . PLEASE CAN YOUR EXPLAN MORE ON WHAT YOU MEAN ON YOUR MAIL . OVER COMPUTER YOU TALK ABOUT .

IF YOUR NO LONGER GOING TO DO THEY BUSINESS WITH ME . THAT IS NOT A PROBLEM. PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOUR MIND . SO THAT I WILL NOT GO FURTHER IN AGREEMENT ON YOUR SIDE .

I AM WAITTING
THANKS
MR ZONGO USMAN

Never mind. I had a third question. A sensible question. A question that will tax his new language skills to their very limits and stretch the sinews of his knowledge to bursting point.

From: Andrew Taylor <taylor.andrew@gmail.com>
To: zongo usman <zongo_44us@yahoo.com>
Date: Nov 1, 2007 8:02 PM
Subject: Re: PLEASE I AM SORRY

Zongo,

Never mind about my last question. Really all that matters is what isotope of gold we are discussing. Which isotope is this dust? I want Gold-197. The others are radioactive. Read more here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isotopes_of_gold

Andrew

I don’t think he wants to play any more…

From: zongo usman <zongo_44us@yahoo.com>
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Nov 3, 2007 3:55 PM
Subject: GOOD BYE

MY DEAR  TAYLOR

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL .I  UNDERSTAND  YOU DONT  HAVE  INTEREST OVER  THEY BUSINESS  AGAIN .

THANKS/GOODBYE

MR ZONGO  USMAN