Apathy Sketchpad

The other day, a Nigerian internet café was raided by some police. It had been mailing out 419 scams to everyone on their “suckers list”, myself included. For those of you who’ve never seen this website or heard the term elsewhere, a 419 scam is an email designed to trick you into handing over your money or the personal details required to access your money. They’ll ask you to help them transfer millions of dollars and promise you a cut, then require some comparatively small up-front fees, then vanish after you hand them over, or they’ll ask you to cash cheques then forward the money on elsewhere, and they’ll give you bad cheques, hoping that you’ll forward the money before the bank properly clears them, or they’ll tell you you’ve won the lottery, or that your bank account has been frozen, or that your contract is complete and there’s money waiting for you (presumably thinking you’ll pocket it rather than tell them they have the wrong guy) then they’ll take your bank details from you and use them to empty your account. As the man on the news said the other day, “there’s a scam for everyone”. There’s nobody, he says, who couldn’t be fooled by the right one.

Well, hello! Here I am. I can’t be fooled by email scams. People have tried, again and again, and I just won’t be fooled. They’ve tried all the above scams, they’ve offered me millions to invest in charities (presumably thinking I’ll plan to steal it all), they’ve told me they have oesophageal cancer, they’ve sent me forms and pictures and passports. They’ve tried in English, and in French. They may have tried in Russian but I don’t know what my Russian spam means unless there are pictures. They’ve invented companies, and they’ve personally insulted me. And I have discovered one important fact that holds the key to avoiding accidentally giving them all your money: they’re idiots.

I’ve convinced them I’m a citizen of The Mushroom Kingdom of Great Britain. I’ve told them the date of my death. I’ve asked them to help me rob a bank. I’ve emailed them a photo of money when they asked for money. I’ve told them I work as a Christmas Technician. And it honestly takes a hell of a lot to stop them replying. These scams are marginally less sophisticated than the ones on The Real Hustle. The way you escape them is by outsmarting them, and as they’re idiots that doesn’t require a massive amount of effort. It simply isn’t true that anyone could fall for one of these, and if you believe that they could then you probably will.

So here are a few tips. Some of them will seem patronising, but apparently people need to be told this stuff:

1. If a bank emails you to tell you your account has been suspended, make sure it is your own bank.
2. Your bank knows your account number and does not need to be reminded.
3. There is no email lottery.
4. If you win a lottery you did not enter, that should be a clue that all is not as it might appear.
5. Oesophageal cancer is extremely rare. If someone you’ve never heard of contacts you claiming to have it, they are lying.
6. Always check links. If the domain isn’t the one your bank normally uses, it’s probably fake.
7. If it’s riddled with spelling errors, it’s fake.
8. If it involves millions of US dollars, it’s fake.
9. If you’re being paid for something you didn’t do, it’s fake.
10. If it’s very obviously fake, then it’s fake.

I’ve seen a couple of banking ones that were passably convincing, but really you shouldn’t be using online banking unless you’re pretty savvy with email and the like. I know it’s convenient, but so is owning a car: if you can’t work it you shouldn’t drive. The risks are too great. If you fall for one of these scams, then I’m sorry but you’re a fool. And I don’t think it’s a good thing for news companies to suggest otherwise, even if it does make you feel better about it.

I like my news honest and not insulting. This was neither.