Apathy Sketchpad

I have invented a new and massively useful bit of language based on a mathematical problem. The Halting Problem is one that relates to a hypothetical computer program which may or may not enter an infinite loop, and in general, the only way to know if it will is to try it. But of course, you can’t really ever find out that it won’t finish, because no matter how long it’s been running, it could still be just about to finish. It’s a problem.

I have noticed that this phenomenon is quite common, and I think the term “Halting Problem” should be applied to all such cases. A few examples might help explain what I mean:

The Free City Bus Halting Problem

Leeds council run a free bus that runs around the city centre. At any given point,  it is worth my while to wait for this bus if and only if it will arrive in the next ten minutes. But the only way to tell is by waiting, and once I’ve done that, it has become worth my while to wait up to another ten minutes. The bus may never come. It’s a problem.

The Steven Moffatt Halting Problem

Less common, this one. A friend of mine said he’d buy the DVDs of Coupling, but that he wouldn’t bother if Steven Moffatt made something new he could watch soon. But he may not. But then, he might wait and then my friend might buy the DVDs and the next day he might put out a new series. It’s a problem.

The Duke Nukem Forever Halting Problem

Duke Nukem Forever has been in development for a decade. It may never come out. Is it worth 3D Realms ditching it and cutting their losses, or should they soldier on, believing it will be released sometime before another decade has passed? They’ll never know unless they keep going, but if they do that they might work for another five years and still not know. It’s a problem.

The Monty Hallting Problem

A lot of gameshows have a mechanics whereby players slowly accumulate money, and then hilariously lose it all at once. Their ideal tactic is to keep going until just before they’d lose and then run. But they don’t know when that could be. It’s a problem.