Apathy Sketchpad

BUSH ANNOUNCES SUCCESS OF NEW “HIGH-RESOLUTION” DOLLAR

President Bush hit back against critics of his economic policies in a press conference last night. He claimed that he had made good progress towards his goal of “a higher-resolution dollar”. Under previous administrations, he said, rounding errors crept into all business done with overseas partners. By reducing the size of the unit of currency, Bush explained, he had enabled it to be far more precise. “Imagine,” he said, “if the dollar was worth so much that you could by five beefburgers for a cent. How would you buy one beefburger? You’d have to buy five and throw four of them away. It’s like that. Now we can buy one beefburger and avoid having to give four of them back to other countries.”

THOUSANDS QUEUE UP IN OWN LIVING ROOMS TO BE FIRST TO RECEIVE LATEST XBOX LIVE ARCADE RELEASE

On Wednesday, gamers got their first look at Alien Hominid on Microsoft’s Xbox Live Arcade service, which allows users to download games directly to their Xbox 360 for a small fee. In anticipation of the release, many gamers had queued up beside their Xbox since Monday evening. One such person said “in our house you can never be sure when people will be using the TV. This was really the only way to be certain of getting the game as soon as I could.” He added that he had previously queued up for both the Xbox 360 and Nintendo’s Wii console. “This is better than that,” he said, “because my Mum brings me food here.” Other gamers queued up in this way because they were worried about Microsoft “running out” of stocks of the game.

AMERICAN SOLDIERS ISSUED WITH SPECIAL “HARRYCARD”

The US military has issued all its troops with a credit card-sized photograph of Prince Harry, to make sure he is not harmed in any “friendly fire” incidents. The card carries a photograph of Harry in full battle uniform, which was chosen over a competing photograph of Harry at his passing out ceremony on the grounds that soldiers might be “unlikely to recognise the Prince in uniform based on a ceremonial photograph”. Some British soldiers have commented that it is unfair for Harry to get such special treatment, but most American troops have welcomed the move. One soldier told us, on condition of anonymity, “I think this is a good idea. Normally if we accidentally kill the odd British soldier we’re alright; the army protects us. But if we killed a Prince then the s**t would really hit the fan. We might even get demoted for that.” Producing and distributing the card has cost the US military over $5.4 billion.