Epic 419 — A Real Treat In Store

<blockquote>From: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
To: heather.daisy@gmail.com
Date: May 15, 2006 12:09 PM
Subject: Urgent response needed
Hello,
i am interested in your product but firstly
before i proceed i will like you to answer the
questions below.

Do u accept credit card?

Can you ship to lagos Nigeria?

Can you ship via DHL/FEDEX/or UPS?

Waiting for your swift response.
Regards
Janet J.

Reply me asap with your website or product lists.
</blockquote>Well, I don’t know who Janet Jeffrey is, but then, I don’t know who Heather Daisy is either, so what the hell. Only problem is, I don’t have a product, or product list. But I do have a website. And on that website is— no, wait, I do have a product list…
<blockquote>From: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: May 15, 2006 12:16 PM
Subject: Re: Urgent response needed
Hi Janet,

1. Yes, I accept credit cards.
2. Yes, I can ship to Lagos.
3. I canship using FedEx, but not UPS because they killed my daughter
and I boycot them now.

Here is my poduct list:

Item one: AS1 Cheap-O-Naff alarm system
Protects your home aginst insects and small birds. Priced at only
£24.95 it is a snip at only £24.95.

Item two: AS2 B.O.G. Standard alarm system
Protects aginst dogs, cats, and squirrels. At £32.95 it is still
cheaper than Resident Evil II for Nintendo 64.

Item three: AS3 Excellent quality alarm system
Protects against nuclear war and even Jehova’s Witnesses. Priced
£39.95, it is more expensive, but you get a free watch, in a small
plastic egg.

Item four: AS4 Excellent if slightly too fictitious alarm system
Offers complete protection against all forms of crime. At £1000.95,
you cannot afford to have one.

Item five: Yoguhurt Launcher
Also catapults milk and cheeses. Has a range of 25ft (7.62m). Only
£49.95. Yoghurt not included. May contain traces of peanut.

Item six: Yoghurt Launcher Deluxe
Also catapults milk, cheeses, custard, and for the lactose intolerant,
pork pies. Has a range of 50ft (15.24m). Costs £60.00, but comes with
a free banana yoghurt.

Item seven: Moblie boulder
Most boulders are quite difficult to move. Not this one. Measuring
only 2in (4.9cm) it will fit convieniently in your pocket. Also, there
will be lots of room in there when you have paid us £39.50 for it.
Batteries not included.

Item eight: What’s In The Box
Noone knows what it is. Not even me. It will only cost you £5.20 to
find out. You know you want to.

Item nine: Blue Banana
This banana is a very odd colour, for a banana. For only £20.00, it is
even compatible with the Yoghurt Launcher and the Yoghurt Launcher
Deluxe. CAUTION: DO NOT EAT.

Item ten: Brick Repellant
The patented formula in this spray bottle will render all bricks and
some small rocks very frightened of you and they will do thier best to
escape you. Only £15.45.

Item eleven: Everything Else
What do you give to the man who has everything? This rather nifty box
containing everything else. Only £45.95.

Item twelve: Remote-Control Chair
All the functionality of an ordinary chair, with a remote control. £27.85

Item thirteen: Paper thin Hi-Res 1-colour computer monitor
Even flexible. Requires no power source. A4 size. £199.95

Item fourteen: Batteries
Size AA. Last up to 500 hours. Batteries not included. £2.50

Item fifteen: Year 2002 calendar
Not 100% millenium compliant. £42

Item sixteen: A shoe
Only £99.99. Buying two will give you a 50% chance of obtaining a PAIR
of shoes. Buying three gives a 75% chance of getting a pair.

Item seventeen: Year 2002 planner
Plan all your appointment in this smple book. Includes no Tuesdays. Only £315

Item eighteen: Fly-Terminator
This miniscule robot flies around your house exterminating houseflies
it comes across, then taking over their bodies and adding them it its
elite pack of Fly-Terminators. Garaunteed not to fly out of your home.
£70.00 for a pack of 5.

Item nineteen
Item nineteen is guaranteed to provide hours of use on a single battery. £54.99.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Andrew
</blockquote>I didn’t think anybody would fall for that. But that is because I routinely underestimate the stupidity of other people.
<blockquote>From: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
To: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: May 15, 2006 12:35 PM
Subject: Quote me now..

Hello,
Thanks for the mail back,However i will like you to
calculate the product below including shipping and get
back to me

Item Sixteen………………………………5pcs

Item Thirteen…………………………..1pcs

Item fourteen………………………….9pcs

Shipping Address:
26,Oguntoye street,
Mushin Lagos
Nigeria 23401.

I will be waiting for your swift response.
</blockquote>Right… so that’s five shoes, one bit of paper, and nine empty boxes. That’ll be eight hundred pounds, please.
<blockquote>From: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: May 15, 2006 1:03 PM
Subject: Re: Quote me now..
I’ve had a look at the shipping prices, and the price is as follows:

Products: £722.40
Shipping: £80.00 (depending on the weight of the package. This is
subject to change)
Total: £802.40

I’ll do it for £800 if the shipping price isn’t much about £80.

From: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
To: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: May 15, 2006 1:16 PM
Subject: Quote me now////////////////////Favour needed asap.

Hello,
Thanks for your Reply ,However i will like to let
you know that i am in need of the product below i want
to present it on my promotional day which is coming up
very soon,I will want to to get me the product below.

Nokia 8800…………………………………5pcs

However I will also like to let you know that i really
appreciate the transaction btw the both of us so i
will want you to do me the favour,However I will
conpensate you with the sum of £100 for your transport
fare.

I will be waiting for your swift response today.
</blockquote>And now we’re being scammed. They just want phones. Well, I can do phones.
<blockquote>From: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: May 15, 2006 1:21 PM
Subject: Re: Quote me now////////////////////Favour needed asap.
Hi Janet,

We do not normally sell mobile telephones. What kind do you need?
Contract? Pay-and-go? Unlocked? We may be able to come to some
arrangement, particularly if you up your order of Item Thirteen to
3pcs. (Generally our policy is to require customers to have bought 18
units in total before we can offer special arrangements like this.)

From: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
To: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: May 15, 2006 1:30 PM
Subject: Re: Quote me now////////////////////Favour needed asap.
Hello,
I will like to let you know that i am satisfied with your reply also i will like to let you know that the one i needed is (nokia 8800……..(unlocked),Get back to me asap with the quote and for the item thirteen i will want you to explain better,Waiting for your swift response now.

From: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: May 15, 2006 3:05 PM
Subject: Re: Quote me now////////////////////Favour needed asap.
Hi Janet,

Here is your new order, as it currently stands:

Items from product list (18 total)…….£1122.30
Nokia 8800 (5)………………………………….£759.00
Shipping…………………………………………..£125.00
Total……………………………………………….£2006.30 + VAT

The items from theproduct list are 5 shoes, three monitors, and 9
battery packs. If you would like to make any changes, please tell me
</blockquote>In many ways I think I was getting a bit carried away by all of this. Especially since Janet’s heart clearly wasn’t in it.
<blockquote>From: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
To: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: May 19, 2006 8:15 PM
Subject: get back to me
Hello,
I am still waiting for my shipping details,Moreso i
will like you to give me your phone number.
</blockquote>What a rubbish email. I shall wait for a better one. I got it. (I’ve obscured the credit card numbers)
<blockquote>From: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
To: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: May 18, 2006 1:33 PM
Subject: PAYMENT DETAILS /// CONFIMATION AND SHIPPING DETAILS NEEDED ASAP
Hello Andrew Taylor,
Thanks for the quotation,
i will like you to split and charge the overall
cost with the cost of my order and mobile phone now
from these credit cards and get back to me with the
confirmation and the shipping details.

NAME ON CARD: JANET JEFFREY
CARD TYPE: MASTER CARD
CARD ACCOUNT NUMBER: 546616023774xxxx
CARD EXPIRY DATE: 05/07
CVV CODE: 543
—————————————————
NAME ON CARD: JANET JEFFREY
CARD TYPE: MASTER CARD
CARD ACCOUNT NUMBER: 546616023774xxxx
CARD EXPIRY DATE: 05/07
CVV CODE: 544
—————————————————-
NAME ON CARD: JANET JEFFREY
CARD TYPE: MASTER CARD
CARD ACCOUNT NUMBER: 546616023774xxxx
CARD EXPIRY DATE: 05/07
CVV CODE: 545
—————————————————-
NAME ON CARD: JANET JEFFREY
CARD TYPE: MASTER CARD
CARD ACCOUNT NUMBER: 546616023774xxxx
CARD EXPIRY DATE: 05/07
CVV CODE: 546
—————————————————-

HERE IS THE SHIPPING ADDRESS BELOW
ATT: SULAIMON OSHINEYE
ADDRESS: 26 OGUNTOYE STREET
OFF LADIPO STREET
CITY: MUSHIN
STATE: LAGOS STATE
COUNTRY: NIGERIA
ZIP CODE: 23401

Looking forward to hear from you with the confirmation
and shipping details.
Regards
JANET JEFFREY
</blockquote>As tempting as it was to buy myself some plasma TVs under Janet’s name, I’m not 100% sure it would have been a great idea. That email came twice. I felt I was in a bit over my head – eight sets of credit card details? What? All I normally get is a photo of someone with Janet Street Porter and a stack of increasingly rubbish certificates. This is a but much for me. I shall stall and buy time.
<blockquote>From: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: May 19, 2006 10:37 PM
Subject: Re: PAYMENT DETAILS /// CONFIMATION AND SHIPPING DETAILS NEEDED ASAP
Hi Janet,

Unfortunately, I can’t take credit card orders directly via email.
You’ll have to use the website like everybody else. Sorry about that.

Andrew
</blockquote>Then Janet said something that caught me off-guard.
<blockquote>From: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
To: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: May 24, 2006 8:55 PM
Subject: Re: PAYMENT DETAILS /// CONFIMATION AND SHIPPING DETAILS NEEDED ASAP

Hello,
Pls i wil like to let you know that i am a very busy man i want you to do me the favour by helping me go to the website.
</blockquote>I’d rather assumed he was a very busy woman. But I need time. Time to make a fake website. Because I do things properly, I do.
<blockquote>From: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: May 31, 2006 12:30 PM
Subject: Re: PAYMENT DETAILS /// CONFIMATION AND SHIPPING DETAILS NEEDED ASAP
Hi Janet

Sorry to keep you waiting, but we’re having a bit of trouble with the
website at the moment. I’ll let you know when we’re back up to speed.
I hope it’s not inconveniencing you too much.

Andrew
</blockquote>But he doesn’t listen
<blockquote>From: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
To: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: May 31, 2006 9:53 PM
Subject: PAYMENT DETAILS /// CONFIMATION AND SHIPPING DETAILS NEEDED ASAP
Hello,
I will like to let you know that i need the goods and the phone pls charge my credit card and send me the shipping details.
Regards

From: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: Jun 4, 2006 12:22 PM
Subject: Re: PAYMENT DETAILS /// CONFIMATION AND SHIPPING DETAILS NEEDED ASAP
Hi Janet,

Sotty I’ve not contacted you in a few days. WIth the website down I’m
totally snowed under with a backlog of orders and requests and
invoices and so forth. We should be back up and running in the next
few days, so when the website’s back up I’ll send you a link and we
can get this thing in motion properly.

Thanks for your patience,

Andrew

From: Andrew Taylor taylor.andrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: Jun 4, 2006 1:12 PM
Subject: Re: PAYMENT DETAILS /// CONFIMATION AND SHIPPING DETAILS NEEDED ASAP
Hi Janet,

Further to ly mast email, you will be pleased to learn that the
website has just been brought back online. Apparently the problem was
that one of the cleaners had unplugged the server to plug in her
vaccuum cleaner, and when she’d plugged it back in it had reverted to
“evil” mode. Once we switched it back it worked perfectly.

Here is the URL of the store website: http://taylor.andrew.googlepages.com

You’ll notice there are some fields at the bottom for you to fill in
“other items” that you want. This is where you should enter details of
your phone orders. Note that you must spend at least £750 in the rest
of the store to use this feature.

You tend to get a reply back within a week of filling in the form.

Thanks.

Andrew
</blockquote>The website was essentially an email form I set up. Whatever anyone filled in on it was sent straight to my email. Take a look at the page before you read any further. It’s OK, I’ll wait.

Well, he didn’t fill in his Gettysburg Address, or his PIN. Or ther colour, design, weight or address of his card. And his card is called “Master Card” which is either very witty or very dumb, depending on inflection. Also, he changed his order to 20 alarms, 10 chairs, 5 shoes, and 10 houseflies.
<blockquote>From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon taylorandrew@gmail.com
To: janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: Jun 6, 2006 11:18 AM
Subject: Re: Submitted form from apathysketchpad.com/stuff/emailform.php

!!!ERROR

Your order was rejected for the following reason(s):

– Failure to complete card details.

We aplogoise for the inconvenience

VersaMax Customer Service team

From: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
To: VersaMax Ordering Daemon taylorandrew@gmail.com(Yes, this is you. Learn more)
Date: Jun 7, 2006 11:43 AM
Subject: Submitted form from apathysketchpad.com/stuff/emailform.php
Hello,
I will like to let me know what else i am suppose
to fill,also i will like to let you know that i want
to paste 2 credit card details how will i do it pls
advise.
</blockquote>I could tell this was important to him because he sent it three times.
<blockquote>From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon taylorandrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: Jun 7, 2006 11:51 AM
Subject: Re: Submitted form from apathysketchpad.com/stuff/emailform.php
This is an automatic response from the VersaMax Ordering Daemon.

If your items did not arrive, please wait until they do.

To use the VersaMax online store you must complete ALL card details.
Some details do not apply to all cards. If for example your card has
no colour, say because it is invisible, then enter “N/A” in that box.

If you wish to return an item, please send it via carrier monkey to
VersaMax HQ, Seattle, Columbia, Spain, SW1 2PR.

If you wish to use multiple credit cards, please fill in multiple
forms and add the phrase “MULTICARD ORDER” to the “Gettysburg Address”
field. Enter a different card on each order. This is a limitation of
our software. We hope to make this process simpler in the future.

Thanks,
VersaMax Customer Service Team
</blockquote>So, he filled in a new order, this time asking for some different items again, and I acknowledged it:
<blockquote>From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon taylorandrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: Jun 10, 2006 11:27 AM
Subject: Thankyou for submitting your order.
Your odrer with VersaMax stores was successful, and will be dispatched
when you are registered as a VersaMax customer. Please register online
at http://taylor.andrew.googlepages.com/newcustomer

Thankyou for your order and your time.

VersaMax Customer Disservice Team

From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon taylorandrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: Jun 13, 2006 11:43 AM
Subject: Re: Thankyou for submitting your order.
This is an automatic reminder.

Your order is being held for dispatch. It will be dispatched when you
register as a customer by fillingin the online form at
http://taylor.andrew.googlepages.com/newcustomer

Thankyou,

VersaMax Customer Services
</blockquote>Janet, or Jayeola as he apparently likes to be known, likes the colour BLUE.
<blockquote>From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon taylorandrew@gmail.com
To: janet jeffrey janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: Jun 15, 2006 11:13 PM
Subject: VersaMax Customer Registration
Thankyou for registering as a VersaMax customer! This is an automated response.

To verify your account and complete registration, please fill in the
brief form located at
http://taylor.andrew.googlepages.com/customerverification

This will allow your account to be verified and any orders you may
have placed to be dispatched. Thankyou for your time, and happy
shopping!

The VersaMax Customer Aggreivance Team
</blockquote>Look at that page, too. Apparently, Jayeola thinks a good name for the robot would be “Funmilola”. Though even he doesn’t know if that thing is supposed to be a moose. Also, he didn’t come up with a caption and doesn’t know what a handbag is. But, in appreciation of his singular devotion to clicking checkboxes, I decided to allow it. This time.
<blockquote>From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon (taylorandrew@gmail.com)
To: janet_store09@yahoo.com
Date: Jun 18, 2006 1:32 AM
Subject: Congratulations from VersaMax!
Congratulations!

You are the 1,000,000th customer registered at VersaMax online stores,
and qualify for our STAR PRIZE – five FREE Nokia 8800 mobile phones,
with chargers, manuals, fuel, and carrycase! (If you have ordered any
part of the prize then as a goodwill gesture that order will be
cancelled automatically to prevent customers wasting money buying
things they have won anyway.)

To claim your prize, please reply to this email with “STAR PRIZE” as
the subject line, and fill the body of the email with the phrase “My
name is Jack Bauer and I’m a federal agent” one hundred times. (We
suggest you copy-paste it rather than typing it every time!) This is
to prevent automated responses.

Thankyou, congratulations, and we hope you enjoy your prize!

Yours,
The VersaMax Customer Assimilation Collective

From: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
To: VersaMax Ordering Daemon (taylorandrew@gmail.com)
Date: Jun 19, 2006 8:57 PM
Subject: STAR PRIZE

My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler

My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
My
name janet jeffrey i am a wholesaler
</blockquote>Well I don’t think that’s quite what I said, now is it? For that you get punished, with my Stupidest Form Yet.
<blockquote>From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon (taylorandrew@gmail.com)
To: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
Date: Jun 19, 2006 10:12 PM
Subject: Re: STAR PRIZE
Thankyou for your swift reply. To complete your claim, please fill in
our STAR PRIZE claim form, at
http://taylor.andrew.googlepages.com/starprizeclaimform

VersaMax Customer Troubling Department

From: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
To: VersaMax Ordering Daemon
Date: Jun 20, 2006 11:00 AM
Subject: Re: STAR PRIZE
I am not able to fill the form,i dont understand it.

From: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
To: VersaMax Ordering Daemon
Subject: update me asap…

Hello,
I am still waiting for your swift
response.concerning my order i want you to get it
shipped and get back to me with my shipping details.

Regards
Jeffrey.
</blockquote>Damn you and your incompetence. Never mind. I know someone who is expert at dealing with people who are of a lower technical ability than herself:
<blockquote>From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
Date: Jun 21, 2006 12:10 PM
Subject: Re: update me asap…
Hello Janet

Your email has been forwarded to me, and I’ve investigated the matter.

It appears that you ordered some items from our website, and then won
our STAR PRIZE. Since the STAR PRIZE is five mobile phones of the same
model as you ordered from us, the order in question was automatically
cancelled because you had won those items anyway. If you still want to
recieve the other items you ordered, please fill in a second order
from the website, http://taylor.andrew.googlepages.com

If you just want your STAR PRIZE, then reply to me and I’ll forward
your email on to the head of the STAR PRIZE department for his
immediate attention.

Congratulations on winning!

Chloe O’Brian
VersaMax Customer Service Team

—–Original message—–

Chloe, could you have a look at this for me?

Andrew

From: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
To: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
Date: Jun 22, 2006 11:40 AM
Subject: update me asap..
Hello,
I will like to let you now that i only want my star prize so get back to me asap and let me know when it will be shipped,concerning my order I will get back to you when i want it to be shipped.

From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon (taylorandrew@gmail.com)
To: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
Date: Jun 22, 2006 11:43 AM
Subject: Re: update me asap..
Alright, I’ll forward your email on to Bill, our head of STAR PRIZEs.
He’s quite busy lately, as it’s STAR PRIZE season here, so he might
take a day or so to get back to you. I hope the prize is worth the
wait! Just sit back and wait for his email.

Chloe O’Brian
VersaMax Customer Service Droid
</blockquote>Bill will sort everything out. Even if he has to go under the radar and let Chloe work from his house.
<blockquote>From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon (taylorandrew@gmail.com)
To: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
Date: Jun 23, 2006 11:57 AM
Subject: Re: update me asap..
Hi Janet,

Chloe has forwarded your email to me. First, let me say
congratulations on winning the STAR PRIZE. In order to ship the prize,
our system requires me to get some information from you. Firstly,
obviously, your shipping address.

Secondly, our trade magazine (circulation about 1,500) would like to
run an article about the winner of the STAR PRIZE. Would it be
possible for our editor, George Mason, to ask you a few questions for
the article? It would only be simple things, and we’ll send you a copy
of the article once it goes out.

Would it be possible to get a photograph of you for the articleas well?

Bill Buchannan
Head of STAR PRIZEs

From: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
To: VersaMax Ordering Daemon
Date: Jun 26, 2006 9:05 AM
Subject: shipping details needed asap…
Hello.
Thanks for the mail back,However I will also thank
your company for giving me this star prize,Also I will
want you to know that concerning the article you are
talking about I will want you to not worry about it,I
am a very busy Man I dont always have time nowadays,So
I will like you to find my shipping info below.

Address:
26,Oguntoye street,
Mushin Lagos
Nigeria 23401.

ATTENDANT:
ADEFOLU OLASENI.

TEL:
+2348020984619.

I will be waiting for your earliest response.

Regards
Janet.

From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon (taylorandrew@gmail.com)
To: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
Date: Jun 26, 2006 9:46 AM
Subject: Re: shipping details needed asap…
Okay, Janet.

Let me get on that now. In the meantime, George has asked me to inform
you that, for policy reasons, we have to run an article about all
winners. If you don’t want to cooperate he says that’s OK and he’ll
just make something up. We’ll still send you a copy, of course, when
it is released.

If you don’t want him to make something up just email me back with a
few details for him to include and I’ll see that he gets them. I’ll
let you know what’s happenning with your STAR PRIZE as soon as I know
myself.

Bill Buchannan
Head of STAR PRIZEs

From: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
To: VersaMax Ordering Daemon
Date: Jun 26, 2006 10:09 AM
Subject: shipping details needed asap…
Hello,
I will like you to send the article to me,Also get
back to me with the shiping details.
</blockquote>I started composing my swift response.
<blockquote>From: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
To: VersaMax Ordering Daemon
Date: Jun 27, 2006 8:29 PM
Subject: update me asap..

Hello,
I am still waiting for your swift response.
</blockquote>You do not want to mess with the VersaMax Media Department!
<blockquote>From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon (taylorandrew@gmail.com)
To: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
Date: Jun 28, 2006 9:47 PM
Subject: Re: update me asap..
Hi Janet

I thought you’d like to know, VersaMax news ran an article on you, as
winner of the STAR PRIZE, today. I’ve attached the front page for you.
If you want to read the rest you’ll have to purchase it from our media
department, run by Nina Myers. I can pass an email on for you if you
want to do so.

I had to invent a few of the details because you neglected to give me
an interview. I hope I got it mostly right. Do let me know if I
didn’t.

George Mason
VersaMax News Editor
</blockquote>I attached a PDF of our newsletter, which carried the following stories:
<blockquote>VersaMax — Because your needs are unimportant.

Sales increase and decrease simultaneously
Sales of VersaMax products are said to have increased and decreased sporadically this month, resulting in a net increase of 5% and a net decrease of 7%. When asked if this was a positive or negative turn of events, sales manager Tony Almeida said, “In many ways, it’s both. Certainly the increase in sales is a positive development and one which we should be proud of, but the accompanying drop in those same sales is a problem we must address.”

VersaMax Company Tie Chosen
The new VersaMax company tie was selected last night by the board of directors at Division.
It will not be officially unveiled until last Wednesday, but is said to include at least nine griffins. It is unusual for a VersaMax tie to include more than five griffins, so this is an interesting decision sure to prove controversial with VersaMax’ more conservative employees.

VersaMax Declared Independent State
See pages 9-14

VersaMax all-midget customer base ruled “coincidence”
See page 3

STAR PRIZE WINNER
As promised when VersaMax was founded, the one-millionth customer will shortly be receiving her STAR PRIZE from VersaMax. The prize is four US dollars, and the winner of these dollars is Janet Jeffery, a wholesaler from Middle Earth. She owns Europa’s largest branch of Starbucks, and once ate an entire puppy just for the hell of it.

Her favourite pastime is hurting children. She has three children of her own, the survivors of a total litter of nineteen. They have only nine limbs remaining between the three of them.

Janet declined to send a photograph, so we took this one while she was in the shower.

Her business interests have taken her to such exotic countries as the UK, the Ukraine and the Ukraineslovalabant. Her former employer, God, said of her “I hate her. She scares me a bit, to be honest. I’m fairly sure I saw her stealing holy water once. I’m honestly not certain how one goes about stealing that, because I was giving it away for free at the time, but she definitely gave the impression that she was stealing it. Perhaps you would like to buy my new book, The Man Who Would be God, available at all good bookshops.”

Two of her eyes are myopic. She writes limericks for Komputer Fur Alle magazine. Her legs are made of cotton. Her favourite T-shirt reads, “I am a cauliflower”. She claims it makes her feel closer to God, whose favourite T-shirt, she claims reads “carrots are the greatest things since potatoes.” She can recite pi to a hundred decimal places (including the three) but cannot remember which of her children is Naomi and if that’s the same one as broke her leg while playing the special cliff-diving game she invented for her. Her husband left her in 1992 after only an hour of marriage because he meant to marry someone else with a similar name. For more information about Janet Jeffery and more photographs of her in the shower, please see pages 15 through 30.
</blockquote>As I say, I had to be a little inventive.
<blockquote>From: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
To: VersaMax Ordering Daemon
Date: Jun 30, 2006 7:12 PM
Subject: Re: update me asap..
Can you pls expain what you mean by all this rubbish
you are writing about me.

From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon (taylorandrew@gmail.com)
To: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
Date: Jun 30, 2006 7:45 PM
Subject: Re: update me asap..
Hi Janet,

We always run an article on our STAR PRIZE winners. It’s what we do.
As you declined to give an interview I had to guess at most of it. Was
I close to the mark?

If you wish. we can run a correction in the next issue – just tell me
what you’d like amending.

George Mason
VersaMax News Editor

From: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
To: VersaMax Ordering Daemon (taylorandrew@gmail.com)
Date: Jun 30, 2006 7:58 PM
Subject: Re: update me asap..
i am ok with it,just get back to me asap with my
shipping details.
</blockquote>I sent a couple more emails, but I don’t think they’ll be getting a response. If they do I’ll keep you up-to-date.
<blockquote>From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon
To: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
Date: Jun 30, 2006 8:06 PM
Subject: Re: update me asap..
Shipping? We thought it would be easier just to give you the four
dollar STAR PRIZE as store credit. It would cost us more than four
dollars to ship it to you, after all!

Bill Buchannan
Head of STAR PRIZES

From: VersaMax Ordering Daemon
To: janet jeffrey (janet_store09@yahoo.com)
Date: Jul 8, 2006 12:01 PM
Subject: Re: update me asap..
Hi Janet,

Just thought I’d let you know that everything has been sorted out and
that your STAR PRIZE of FOUR DOLLARS will be sent as soon as you
nominate an account. Please get back to me and let me know where you’d
like it sending.

Thanks,

Bill Buchannan
Head of STAR PRIZES
</blockquote>