Apathy Sketchpad

This is a long one. You might want to print it out for a train journey or something. Hell, it took me half an hour just to copy paste it from my email.

From: MR BRAND (mrbrandam@yahoo.com)
Reply-To: mrbrandam@netscape.net
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 2, 2006 5:21 AM
Subject: Call me Immediately.

I have a new email address!
You can now email me at: mrbrandam@yahoo.com

Dear Friend,

I am Mr.Am Brand, General-Auditor South coast Courier Service South African Plc Based UNITED KINGDOM During the course of our auditing, I came across an A/C own by a dead foreigner late Mr. Philip White bearing the sum of $25m US (Twenty Five Million us Dollar) and this A/C has not been Access for the past 8 year ago. I want to use my position and influence as General- Auditor to obtain all legal approvals of this fund to your nominated A/C and I will give you the legal documents,� upon your positive response once I hear from you through my telephone or fax number above and reply me with your Full name, full contact,private phone and fax number to enable me apply for the release of the fund in your name. Remember you have 25% share of the fund.

Regards,

Mr.Am Brand.

Direc-Tel:(+44)704-011-2006.

Fax:(+44)870-068-6501.

mrbrandam@netscape.net

- MR BRAND

Alright, I’ll call you Immediately.

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: mrbrandam@netscape.net
Date: Apr 4, 2006 9:45 PM
Subject: Re: Call me Immediately.

Hello, Immediately. How are you? How are things going with that $25m
US (Twenty Five Million us Dollar)?

Andrew

419 scammers don’t half go on a bit…

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 5, 2006 11:29 AM
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGMENT .

Dear Andrew,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your your e-mail accepting to be of great assistance to this transaction. I promise that you will never regret your association with me and you are going to benefit immensely from this transaction and 25% for you then 70% for me while 5% will be for the expenses from my side and your side after transaction but as for now you have to take the charges from your side while i take mine.

I am happy your are giving me your full sincerity and honesty because that will help me confide in you the required trust necessary for the success of this transaction. I hope also that you will never disappoint me. And you have to understand that this is genesis of our relationship.

In view of the above I advice you send me a copy of your passport for my perusal and for my personal identification. I will send to you also a transaction agreement, which you will sign and send back to me . That will guide us through out the duration of this transaction. Although we have no much to waste. I have perfected an avenue to actualize the dream of this transaction. My idea is due to South African strict banking policy and also being third war country we cannot be able to use bank to banks for fund transfer now. Which you have already experienced. All we need to do is to move the fund in cash out of South Africa through diplomatic means after you must have been made the beneficiary.

Once this is done you assume full owner ship status of the fund, thereby making impossible for government to seize this funds. So I have to apply for the release of the fund through the courier service company,(SkyWest Financial & Securities Plc) and an insider there introduces me to their headman in Europe so he suggested we should use courier Service Company via a joint venture agreement with them and also with their connection there, they can easily use it to open a none resident account in your name and from there move it to your account for our investment.

Direct line:+44-704-011-2006.
Regards,
Brand Am.

The trouble with fake passports is that they take so long to do.

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net” (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
Date: Apr 9, 2006 11:04 PM
Subject: Re: ACKNOWLEDGMENT .

Dear Immediately,

I am well, thank you. I went out last night. It was a good evening.
you should come out sometime. What are you doing on Thursday?

Andrew

I don’t think he’s really trying any more now:

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 10, 2006 5:56 PM
Subject: urgent .

dear andrew,

many thanks for your e-mail to me and i really want to do this business with your . but presently i need your full contacts to enable me apply for the release of the fund in your name.

regards,
Brand

But then he comes in with a masterstroke:

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 12, 2006 8:12 PM
Subject: Call the point Man in London to verify.

Dear Andrew,

Many thanks for your e-mail to me and i want to inform you that my real name is Mr Brand Am From South Africa but base in UK Because of this transaction to be successfull between me and you.

I am making arrangements to send the consignments out through diplomatic courier to london. So if this arrangement is okay for you just let me know immediately. Why we choose london is because there is a financial consultant who is very much ready to assist you handle every procedure of the transaction on my behalf as you over there.

A diplomat introduced me to their point person that is the Financial Consultant in London, who receives goods for African politicians and Presidents through one Security Company. Thus, the movement of the funds to london is necessary because of the connection there and also to avoid any traces of this fund when moving to Dubai and after the transaction.

All relevant documents to prove you as the real benefid has been done by the attorney and submitted to the security company today because they said as we applied that it will take 5 working days to reach london. The point man in London is a financial consultant of Cash Flow Corporation. His name is Dr Jay Patel and this is his direct telephone/fax number you call him immediately to know when the consignment arrived london.
SkyWest Financial & Securities Plc.
Dr Jay Patel (Director Of Accounts)
Accounts,Logistics & Operations
Tel/ 44-776-513-6892
Fax/ 44-870-912-3162
E-mail- accounts@sky-west.net

Regards,
Brand
NB:There is my International passport for your Identification.

And, sure enough, here was the attached file:

Call me cynical, but… Oh, forget it. It’s too easy.

Well, I had to reciprocate, didn’t I?

From: Andrew Taylor
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net”
Date: Apr 15, 2006 3:56 PM
Subject: Re: Call the point Man in London to verify.

Mr Am,

I am glad to recieve your email. Please find attached a copy of my
passport as you requested.

Andrew

In fairness, this is my actual passport.

I do wish he’d stop changing the subject line. It messes up my GMail inbox something rotten.

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 18, 2006 6:49 PM
Subject: urgent.

Dear Andrew,

Mnay thanks for your pp sent to me and please you have to scan the inside not the out side. because i have effected the shippment to London since last week.
Please remember the password which i gave to you and i need your full conatct phone number because delivery should made to you by this week so call him and get back to me just ask him if the consignment has arrived london cos they are worried because you as the real owner of the consignment has not contacted them so try to call them just ask him you want to know if your consignment has arrived to london tha it was send from south Africa.

Further, Call the point man.

SkyWest Financial & Securities Plc.
Dr Jay Patel (Director Of Accounts)
Accounts,Logistics & Operations
Tel/ 44-776-513-6892
Fax/ 44-870-912-3162
E-mail- transfer_dept@sky-west.net
E-mail- accounts@sky-west.net

Regards.
Brand.

Password? I certainly don’t remember any password.

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net”
Date: Apr 18, 2006 8:23 PM
Subject: Re: urgent.

Mr Am,

Many apologies for scanning the wrong part of my passport. Please find
attached the correct page. I hope it is OK.

I shall email the point man in London, To Verify, now.

Andrew

This is also my actual passport. If you’re interested, the photo is Charles Soludo.

I also emailled the fictional haulage firm, SkyWest:

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: transfer_dept@sky-west.net, accounts@sky-west.net
Date: Apr 18, 2006 8:32 PM
Subject: Re: urgent.

Dear To Verify,

I, the real owner of the consignment sent from South Africa, would
like to know if it has arrived in London. It is in a red container
about five feet across and smells faintly of porridge. It is marked
“THE CONSIGNMENT” and it makes a “crackity” sort of a noise if you
rattle it. (Don’t worry; it is quite sturdy and won’t break if you
rattle it.)

Thankyou, To Verify.

Signed,
Andrew

To Verify and Immediately are both very honest men. Also, if you enter your names as “To Verify” and “Immediately”, you get infinite rear missiles.

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 19, 2006 10:53 AM
Subject: Mail From Brand.

Dear Andrew,

Many thanks for your e-mail to me and also your pp send for our indentification over this consignment and i still promise what i said at the initial time that i will not disapoint you and i want to have such promise from you too.

Further, i am so happy you are a black man like me too so i hope we will understand each other very well and this relationship wqe are greating between the two family will be everlasting relationship between our family.

You forget to send me your private phone and fax number it will enable me have heart to heart conversation with you and also remember the securtiy company deal with that too (Fax and phone0 so as you fail to send it to me never fail to send it to them because they must call you befor they will come for the delivering of the fund.

mail me when you send email to the point man as you said.
Regards,
Brand.

The racist bastard!

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net” (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
Date: Apr 19, 2006 2:46 PM
Subject: Re: Mail From Brand.

Dear Immediately,

I emailed the point man at transfer_dept@sky-west.net and
accounts@sky-west.net just after I emailed you last time. I apologise
for not calling you Immediately in my last email.

Andrew

I’d rather assummed those were also his email addresses, and he’d know everything I sent to them. Odd. It must be a very inefficient crime syndicate I’m dealing with here.

From: accounts@sky-west.net (accounts@sky-west.net)
Reply-To: accounts@sky-west.net
To: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
Date: Apr 19, 2006 3:41 PM
Subject: Re: Consignments Procedures

Consignments Procedures
19Th:April:2006
Attn: Mr Andrew Taylor.
Sir,
We received your E-mail message with regards to the arrival of your Consignments
through our Clearing Dept in your name and your personal particulars as the
Beneficiary/Owner of the Consignments.
For Verification and Examination of the Consignments Documents to avoid Clearing
and Delivery of Consignments to wrong Beneficiary/Owner,, You are advised send to
us immediately by (FAX OR E-MAIL) the following requirements for the immediate
Clearing and Delivery of your Consignments to you as the Beneficiary/Owner.
(a)Your identification Particulars (e.g, Copy of your drivers license or Copy
of your International Passport.
(b) Find Attached your (Consignments Procedures Form) which you have to fill
correctly and send back to us immediately for proper Verifications and
Examination of the Consignments Documents.

SkyWest Financial & Securities Plc.
Dr Jay Patel (Director Of Accounts)
Accounts,Logistics & Operations
Tel/ 44-776-513-6892
Fax/ 44-870-912-3162
E-mail- transfer_dept@sky-west.net
E-mail- accounts@sky-west.net

Here’s Google�s View-As-HTML version of the form.

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 20, 2006 5:25 PM
Subject: From Brand.

Dear Andrew,

many thanks for your mail and remember My name is Mr. Brand Am not immidiatelt ok.

So when you email him what did he said ? has the consignment arrived or not yet ?.

ask him how you can clear your consignment if it has arrived.

Regards,
Brand Am.

Your name is “Brand Am”? Well, why didn’t you say something sooner? What sort of a stupid name is “Am” anyway? “Hello, my name is Mister Am”. Stupid. “I am what I am, to whit, Am.” Honestly.

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net” (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
Date: Apr 20, 2006 8:21 PM
Subject: Re: From Brand.

Mr Brand Am

The accounts department as Sky West asked me to fill in a form, which
I am doing now, and to send them a copy of my passport. Will they want
me to scan the inside or the out side?

Andrew

It’s best to check these things.

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 21, 2006 9:19 AM
Subject: From Brand.

Dear Andrew,

Please fill the form and scan the inside of your ppp and send to them immidiately so that we can proceed.
Further , why we should be fast is to avoid putting demorages on our head after paying he shipment fee to them.

So do it and get back to me and please send me acopy of the form so that i can take a look on it.
Regards,
Brand.

Inside. Right.

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: accounts@sky-west.net
Date: Apr 21, 2006 11:19 AM
Subject: Re: Consignments Procedures

Jay,

Please find attached your form and my passport. Is my consignment
still OK? If it starts making noises, just give it a whack with a
rolled up newspaper or something. That usually quietens it down.

Andrew

Again, see Google�s View-As-HTML version of the completed form. I also sent him my passport, which was the same as the one further up.

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net” (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
Date: Apr 21, 2006 11:22 AM
Subject: Re: From Brand.

Brand Am,

I have sent them the form. I’ve attached a copy to this email for you
to peruse at your perusal.

I do not know what a demorage is but I don’t think I want one on my
head, as it would mess up my hair.

Andrew

I attached the same form document to this email too. I can only assume he didn’t read it.

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 22, 2006 5:31 PM
Subject: Re: From Brand.

Dear Andrew,

Many thanks for your e-mail to me and you have not told me if the consignmewnt has arrived London.

Further, Ask him how we can clear our fund because an inside there in south Africa told me that we we should be fast enough that we can make it by next week.

Please ask him and furnish me with more information.
Regards,
Brand.

He’s becoming very cryptic lately, is Immediately.

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net” (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
Date: Apr 22, 2006 5:38 PM
Subject: Re: From Brand.

Brand,

I did not tell you if the consignment arrived because SkyWest did not
tell me either. I shall ask them, and I shall ask them how we can
clear the funds quickly as well.

Andrew

And, because I’m true to my word:

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: accounts@sky-west.net
Date: Apr 22, 2006 5:41 PM
Subject: Re: Consignments Procedures

Jay,

I just want to check on my consignment again. Has it arrived in
London? If it has, could you email me straight away, and then give it
a couple of sharp taps on the corner marked with an X? Thanks a lot,
it will appreciate that.

Also, Mr Am has asked how we can fund a clearing inside South Africa
next week. I’m not sure what he means by this but I’m sure you will.

Andrew

See, I think what’s happenning here is that one of the scammers has rumbled me and not told the other one.

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 24, 2006 9:59 AM
Subject: Re: From Brand.

Dear Andrew,

Confirm from them and get back to me and i need your phone number as well too.

That said, these emails were only six minutes apart… Probably he’s just an idiot.

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: accounts@sky-west.net, transfer_dept@sky-west.net
Date: Apr 24, 2006 10:05 AM
Subject: Re: Consignments Procedures

Dr Patel,

I really need confirmation that my consignment has arrived in London.
The collective is growing most concerned.

Andrew

Although that said, this gap was only one minute.

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net” (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
Date: Apr 24, 2006 10:06 AM
Subject: Re: From Brand.

Mr Am,

I have emailed them again. I will let you know what they say when I get a reply.

Andrew

Really, it’s this kind of thing that’s why I didn’t update the comic much in April.

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 24, 2006 10:37 AM
Subject: Re: From Brand.

I don’t know why you don’t want to give me your phone number. do you want to go away with thr fund when you clear it. let me have your phone number.

This, I think, has gone on long enough. I think it’s time to start pushing the boundaries of credibility until they inevitably snap…

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net” (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
Date: Apr 24, 2006 7:23 PM
Subject: Re: From Brand.

Mr Brand,

I haven’t given you my phone number because I live in a big house with
eight other people and only one phone, and my housemates don’t know
about this deal yet. I haven’t told them about it in case it falls
through and I look like a fool.

We can either communicate by email, or else wait for a few more of
them to be voted out and then use the phone.

I think he believed me. Call it a hunch…

From: mrbrandam@netscape.net (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Apr 25, 2006 9:34 AM
Subject: Re: From Brand.

Dear Andrew,

Let me believe you for that i want you to verify things with Dr.patel on how to clear the consignment. mean the fund.
call him on phone and verify how to clear the consignment.

Regards,
Brand

I think I pushed it too far with this next one:

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
To: “mrbrandam@netscape.net” (mrbrandam@netscape.net)
Date: Apr 25, 2006 7:51 PM

Brand,

I called Dr Patel and he told me that SkyWest policy forbids him from
discussing specific consignments without a signed copy of form 42b.
I’ve filled it in and sent it off but it may take a day or two to get
there.

He was able to tell me, though, that 102 of the 104 consignments in
his care arrived safely in London on Thursday morning. I think it’s
safe to assume one of them is ours, however we can’t claim it until
form 42b arrives at his office.

Andrew

There’s always a chance I’ll hear back from him, and if I do I’ll keep you posted, but until then the moral is not to try and convince people who run fake companies that their own policies require they send you a form that doesn’t exist.