How To Be A Video Game Nerd
January 8th, 2006It really is simpler than you’d think. First, you find a game that you like and whose sequel is soon to be released. Ideally it should be late enough in the development that it would be impossible to add any new features. (Usually, if you’ve heard about it, it’s too late.)
Next, you think of a feature for it which sounds cool at first but in fact would be impossible, or ruin the game, or take months to develop and only be used by four people, or both. For example, using the Revolution controller as a sword in Smash Brothers, or controlling everything in a DS game with the touchscreen, playing multiplayers against players on two competing consoles, internet play on consoles that don’t support internet play, or an alternate play mode that would mean recoding the entire game.
That’s the hard part over. Now, you declare your feature to be essential. Say you and everyone you know or have spoken to will buy the game if and only if it contains this feature. Demand other people join your insane cause. Set up online petitions. When the game is released, inevitably without your feature, insult the developers for being shortsighted and not listening to the community (i.e., you). Use phrases like “dumasses”, “lazy” and “dropped the ball” a lot.
If you’re exceptionally lucky you might get a response from them explaining why it would have been impossible to implement your suggestion. At this point you should send them the same email you sent last time, but this time with the phrase “but surely you could just” before it. For extra credit, create an ugly page on ytmnd.com that forces people to either agree with you, hate you, or have an eppileptic fit.
Continue until a new game is announced.
Congratulations, you are now an internet videogame nerd.
[More Help]
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
Has this anything to do with Worms: Open Warfare and the fact that no one will accept that it’s not online?
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
Yes, I would agree. There’s a fair bit of not-so-subtle referencing there…
That said, you missed the bit about bad spelling…
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
Not only that, though it was certainly the major factor. I saw the same logic being used on Nintendo’s site today, so I figure it’s widespread idiocy.
Also I wanted to test my new scripts.
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
Also I wanted to test my new scripts.
But surely you could just run it on your own computer?
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
You would think so, but Apache’s thrown a hissy fit so my local server is ColdFusion based.
Also, there’s no test better than an in-situ one. There’s all kinds of server specific things that could go wrong; PHP versions, file permissions, full path differences…
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
This kind of behaviour isn’t recent. I’ve seen it for at least the last two years. In fact when I think about it, it’s alarming. Ben should be worried, IYKWIM.
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
Oh, and nice article, And. As always (y)
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
It’s worth pointing out you also get extra credit if you say you work in the video games industry and could implement your idea in five minutes. Particularly if you spell “C++” wrongly in the same post.
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
RAEL TIEM WROMS!!11!1
I don’t mind when people put forward their ideas concisely and rationally, but when they come in with their badly spelt weapon ideas and their poorly thought out gameplay changes, and then throw a hissy fit when people shoot their idea out of the sky, I tend to get a bit annoyed.
I hold myself partially responsible for the inclusion of a Sticky Grenade in Worms 3D, although seeing it in use really made me think about how utterly useless it is.
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
The only tactic I can think of would be like a fireable mine that can be used with retreat time. Imagine throwing a sticky bomb at a ledge with a worm above it or a bunch of explosive crates which, when burst, would shower you with flames, then running away.
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
Fair point Matty, but that’s about it really. In every other respect, though, it’s just a Bazooka that isn’t affected by wind.
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
Pure and simple :) You’re exactly right. Gawd us wormers are omniscient in our game (thanks Pooka).
February 17th, 2007 at 00:00
But surely you could just run it on your own computer?
I think you missed the point of that comment. Bad joke as it was.