Apathy Sketchpad

Apparently, Oxford University is to introduce a contract between itself and students.

I remember some years ago when I was in sixth form our school tried introducing one of these. It essentially said that we had to try hard, and we were informed that we had to sign it or we could be expelled. Enough students simply refused to sign it that the whole thing was abandoned — nobody got expelled because of course that would put the school in breach of contract, as we’d already started the course and only now were being given this contract. Oxford have, rather more cleverly, applied this contract to future students only.

The aim is to stop students signing up to a degree course, flunking it, and suing the university for not teaching them properly. This is a fairly reasonable goal but they’ve gone about it the wrong way. Personally, I’ve never been to Oxford University, so I don’t know what the teaching is like there, but I do know that an alternative way to avoid being sued for breach of contract is to stick to the contract.

The fact of the matter is that the universities do not pay the students. The students pay the universities, and when you pay for something you have a right to get something of a reasonable standard in return. If I want to spend thousands of pounds on a degree course I have no intention of completing then that is my preoragtive. The day a university pays me is the day I will feel obliged to live up to their expectations (although as the government would be sibsidising your degree, you have an entirely seperate obligation to them to at least try to pass the course). (I feel I should probably also mention here that I personally was, in fact, paid by the university. I was on a scholarship scheme, however this didn’t even cover half of my tuition fees, and in fact was dependant on my attaining certaing grades anyway. It was not so much a case of “we’re paying you, so you’d better do well” as it was “if you do well, we’ll reward you”.)

Apparently, all this was sparked by a university paying out £30,000 to a student who complained about teaching standards there.

The student who sued them wasn’t complaining that the teaching was bad, he was very specifically complaining that the lecture theatres were overcrowded and that there were errors in the assignments given to him. That sort of thing is very easy to prove, or, if the lecture theatres aren’t overcrowded and the assignments don’t contain errors, disprove. I realise Oxford is a widely respected university with an excellent reputation, but there’s no guarantees. You can’t try out a university. You can’t go to more than one, at least, not without spending thousands of pounds at each. Most people have nothing but second-hand and often out-of-date accounts of universities to help them make their decision, and most of the second-hand accounts are from people who only went to one university, have nothing to compare it with, and generally had a good time because that is what univerisity is all about (as much as they told us otherwise). If you are supported by a grant for the first half of your course you have the option of given up on it and going somewhere else. With grants there was some motivation for universities not to be crap. As it is any student who feels their university is failing them has the following options:

Legal action — a great option, except that it is expensive, time consuming, hard work and potentially disasterous if you lose. Students, as a rule, couldn’t afford to do that.

Change course — and abandon the thousands of pounds and years of your life you’ve invested in the course. Most students can’t really afford to do that either.

Complain to the university — which is great news for next year’s students, but won’t change a thing as far as you are concerned. It fails to solve the problem at hand, and hardly seems worth the bother.

Lump it — most students in this situation choose this option. (We know this because the one whi didn’t must have had at least enough coursemates to overcrowd a lecture theatre.) It essentially means that they’re doing their own work, as well as work the university ought to be doing — say, proofreading the assignments. Then the University sees that people are managing to get good marks and assumes its teaching is up to scratch. But it’s the only way to come out of the situation with a degree and any money at all.

There’s basically no recourse for students when universities fail them, and since there’s no way to try out a university before committing to a three year course, there’s really no reason for universities to bother maintaining standards as long as they can maintain their reputation, and this is the problem with Oxford’s proposed contract. In its current state it makes students’ responsibilities very clear, but not the university’s. It essentially states “I, the student, acknowledge that it is my responsibility to try my best to earn a good degree, and if the university feels like helping me out then I should be grateful”. That won’t do. Worse still, if the university makes you sign a contract that clearly spells out that the university is free to choose how much teaching you are entitled to then they have a very easy get-out clause if you do complain about the standards or availability of teaching. That is an incredibly dangerous precedent. I only hope that prospective students do what current students are famous for, and refuse to accept any such thing.

I don’t know if America has cryptic crosswords. Certainly I’ve heard more than one American suggest that they’re a British thing whilst failing to be funny by deriding them as ridiculous. Usually I would disagree with them. They’re not ridiculous once you get the hang of them, although getting said hang isn’t what you’d call a walk in the park.

In case you’re unfamiliar with them here’s a couple of example clues from today’s Times:

“In part, fail to convince old woman to attend court (7)”

The answer is “overact”. It might seem that the answer is unconnected to the clue, and this is what people point out while failing to be funny. In fact, the clue works like this:

In part, fail to convince — This is the definition of “overact”. (Crossword definitions are not as rigorous as dictionary ones.)
old — “Old” is crossword code for the letter O. There are certain things you should know before you start a cryptic crossword and this is one of them. It’s generally possible to work them out; none of them are arbitrary code, but they’re not all obvious either, so it’s best to know at least a few.
woman — This gives us “vera”. Obviously you’re not expected to work that out. You get the word from the definition and the letters in other clues that cross over it, and then you use this part to confim it.
to attend court — “Court” abbreviates to CT, so when old woman attends it you get “O VERA CT”. Overact. Simple.

Let’s try one more example, and then I’ll tell you my story. You can try this one yourself, if you like, before reading the solution.

“Thumb twiddled with yarn, yarn given an unlikely twist (5/4)”

Thumb twiddled with yarn — The answer is an anagram of “thumb yarn”.
yarn given an unlikely twist — This is the definition.

The answer is “urban myth”.

Now, for the exciting story that doesn’t really warrant so much buildup. Today I looked at the crossword. Specifically, I looked at 12 down:

“Pink and black material will be about right”

The letters from other clues that Mark had filled in gave me “H _ _ _ Y / _ _ _ _ _ M”. Mark had filled in the first word as “happy”, faintly, in case it was wrong.

I looked at this clue and solved it as follows:
Pink — This means “happy”, as in “tickled pink”.
material — a medium.
about right — the definition.

The answer was clearly “happy medium”. I wrote it in and all was well with the world. I even got a couple of other clues that crossed over it afterwards. But then I looked at 8 down. The clue was:

“Pink and black material will be about right (5)”

Hmm. It’s not unheard of for two clues in the same crossword with different answers to share a clue, but I looked again at 12 down and the clue was now:

“Channel broadcasting good news is a sensible course. (5/6)”

Well that was obviously “happy medium” as well.

I’d managed to solve 12 down, correctly, by reading the wrong clue.

Perhaps they are ridiculous after all. Maybe they just print random things and trust us to invent solutions for them.

This is a very long message, so I’ll interrupt it at the best bit. Feel free to scroll down to there.

From: mic_lot@virgilio.it
Reply-To: mic_lot@virgilio.it
Date: Jan 28, 2006 4:15 PM
Subject: PLEASE CONTACT YOUR AGENCY FOR YOUR CLAIM.

MICROSOFT INTERNET SWEEPSTAKES B.V
12Z MASS STRAAT,
1601NZ AMSTERDAM
OOST,
AMSTERDAM, THE NETHERLANDS.

FROM: THE OFFICE OF THE MANAGING
DIRECTOR.
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT
S.C.F.N;
BLT239740988/2006/YH
BATCH: VNF1768367474AAF.
TEL/Fax; 0031-630-329-711
ATTN: CEO

Dear Winner,

We are pleased to inform you of the result of
the Internet compensation promotion programs held on the 28th of
January,2006 and it is aimed at compensating frequent Internet
explorers in all over the world. Your e-mail address attached to ticket
number; HJ128674788 with serial number MKJ2348909NB2006, batch number
VNF1768367474AAF, lottery reference number 783454UH and drew from lucky
numbers 234-890-323-897 which consequently won in the 2nd category, you
have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$1,000,000.00
(ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR) only by the Microsoft source
Company, payable in cash credited to security file numbers;
BLT239740988/2006/YH at the Netherlands Payment Authority.

CONGRATULATIONS!
Due to the mix up of some numbers and email addresses,
we ask that you keep your winning information’s confidential until your
claim has been processed and your money remitted to you in cash or into
your provided bank account. This is part of our security protocols to
avoid unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. MICROSOFT
INTERNET EXPLORATION COMPANY is a global leader in international
software producers and one of the largest processor of software in the
world since 1980. We have help people and Businesses by providing
affordable, reliable and convenient payment services and software in
the world today and we have invested US$3.5b into software, hardware, a
simple to use interface and it is a great opportunity to anyone looking
to increase sales through email marketing! so you can realize your
dream of financial independence.

Note that all winners were selected
through a computer ballot-system drawn from over 2600,000 companies and
350,000,000 personal email addresses from all over the world online of
which four where selected at random as winners in different category.

This promotion program takes place every decade . This compensational
program was promoted and sponsored by William Henry Gates III and His
Giant cofounder of the Microsoft Corporation, holds 30.7 percent of its—

“And his giant”? Do you want to know what entered my head when I read that?

William Henry Gates III and His Giant cofounder of the Microsoft Corporation

If you can read that sentence any other way do explain how.

—stock making him one of the richest people in the United States and the
world today. He was the marketing and sales strategist behind many of
Microsoft’s software deals. Their software became the industry standard
in the early 1980s and has just increased in distribution as the
company has grown, Largest software producer in the world (Microsoft)
and Mr. Paul Gardner Allen a giant holder in souces inetrnet
exploration. We hope that you will have the chance of receiving
compensation next decade as you keep on browsing the net to boost the
sales of software materials in all over the world.

To obtain your
claim, please contact the processing department;
MRS. LIZZY EDMOND,
FOR DR.LUKE DAVIES (DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS).
ECOWORLD WIDE
INTERNATIONAL AGENCY BV.
(MICROSOFT ACCREDITED LOTTERY CLAIM AGENCY IN
THE NETHERLANDS).
TEL: +31-610-085-416.
Email: (ecoworldintern@walla.
com)(ecoworldintern@netscape.net)

Remember, all winnings must be claim
not later than 14th of Febuary,2006. Please note that in order to avoid
unnecessary delays and complications, remember to always quote your S.C.
F.N and BATCH NUMBER in all your correspondence with Ecoworld Wide
International Bv. Furthermore, should there be any change of your
contact address or information’s about you, do inform us as soon as
possible to avoid disqualification of winnings.

Congratulations once
again from all the members of our staff and thank you for being part of
our promotion program and publications. Finally, Any breach of
confidentiality on the part of any winners will result to
disqualification.

Yours Sincerely,
MRS.JOSS BOUMAN. (LOTTERY CO-
ORDINATOR).
MICROSOFT INTERNET EXPLORATION.

Lottery scams are so much harder to bait than regular 419ers because they’re all the same. Still…

From: Andrew Taylor
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: mic_lot@virgilio.it, ecoworldintern@walla.com, ecoworldintern@netscape.net
Date: Jan 29, 2006 1:46 PM
Subject: Re: PLEASE CONTACT YOUR AGENCY FOR YOUR CLAIM.

Yes please. Please rush me my winnings. Me and my Giant would be so
happy! What do I have to do?

Andrew

PS. I wrote a song for my Giant about winning the lottery. Would you
like to hear it?

If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I’d buy you a house
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I’d buy you furniture for your house
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I’d buy you a K-car
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR),
I’d buy your love

If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I’d build a treefort in our yard
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
You could help it wouldn’t be that hard
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
Maybe we could put a refrigerator in there

If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I buy you a fur coat
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I’d buy you an exotic pet
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I’d buy you John Merick’s remains
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR),
I’d buy your love

If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
We wouldn’t have to walk to the store
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
We’d take a limousine cause it costs more
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
We wouldnt have to eat Kraft dinner

If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
i’d but you a green dress
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I’d but you some art
If I had US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I’d buy you a monkey
If I had a US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
If I had a US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
If I had a US$1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
I’d be rich.

I don’t expect to get a reply from this one.

There’s been a lot made lately of “online privacy”. This bizarre notion that all website exist for the pure and sole reason of discovering every single fact about you — your shoes size, your sexual preferences, your gullibillity, what you buy, what you don’t buy, what you eat, what you breathe, what you burn and what you sing in the shower. I really find it hard to believe anyone cares that much. To be honest, I like companies knowing about me. It means they might stop sending me junk mail for things I’m not interested in, or application forms for credit cards I’d never actually be approved for. If they can instead send me offers for things I want then that is a good thing, surely? People see it as “they’ll find out what I want and then use that information to take all my money” but I choose to see it as “they’ll find out what I want and then sell it to me“. As far as I’m concerned, that saves me a job.

I mean, there’s a lot made about GMail. GMail is wonderful. It has a nice short URL that you don’t feel embarrassed filling in on forms, it has POP3 as well as the nicest webmail interface I’ve ever seen, it’s easy to use, gives you loads of storage, and the “labels” system is a stroke of genius. It even fills in contact names and email addresses as you type them. It has a spellchecker. It’s wonderful. And yet some people hate it. Why? Because it reads your email to show you adverts. Well guess what? That is done by a computer. Computers are stupid. They don’t know what any of it actually means — they dont actually know anything. It just matches up groups of keywords to adverts in its database. That’s all.

And it isn’t as if every other email system ever hasn’t in some sense employed a computer to read your email, if only so it can pass it on to the next computer in the chain.

But people get creeped out at Google because… because… I honestly have no idea why. They cite the fact that GMail doesn’t need deleting as evidence that Google is archiving your life. Well they’re not. You can delete GMail, there’s just no reason to. You can delete your Google search history as well, which is another thing people (well, journalists) always think Google is archiving for their own evil ends. I realise that there’s no reason to assume that Google aren’t secretly archiving this data and just hiding it from us when we click “delete”, but there’s also no reason to assume that they are, and there’s no reason to assume that Hotmail, Yahoo!, and every other email/search company ever, aren’t doing that too. People just pick on Google, presumably because Google is free and make awesome things and give them away for free so it seems only natural to assume they must be up to something sinister. Why? Why can’t it be that someone has finally twigged that treating your customers like shit is not a good idea?

I’ve seen in my life precisely no evidence that Google are evil. As far as I can tell they’re a free search, a free email provider, and a generous employer to boot. People tel me that Google are evil but nobody’s ever presented me with any actual reason to believe them.

People generally end their anti-Google rants of idiocy by asking me not to email them from my GMail address. Well. Fuck you. I’ll email you from whatever host I want, and frankly if you really are paranoid/egocentric enough to think that Google is logging all my outgoing emails to find out about you then maybe I’ll send you fake confirmation emails from imaginary hardcore fetish websites. Which are also logging what you look at.

Quite apart from anything else, am I the only person that thinks perhaps Google have every right to know what people use their services for? That webmasters have every right to know what website referred you to theirs? I think they do. I mean, people don’t worry that their shopping is all scanned at once. That the supermarkets might be logging which cards you use to pay, what products are often bought together or in which order. People don’t think there might be a tiny secret GPS in their cars. They don’t worry that their food might contain tiny government nanobots that will read their thoughts directly fromtheir brain, and then make their way back to London to be read by the master computer. So why do people turn into paranoid nutjobs in tinfoil hats the moment you use the word “internet”?

It’s because they’re idiots, that’s why.

As it goes, I meant to talk in more general terms, but Googlehaters are really the paradigm of this kind of thinking. I mean, I’m really writing this in response to a piece in The Times today. Not the times2, note. The actual Times. Surely The Times should consider itself above such obviously baseless scaremongering?

Dear Great British Public,

You have voted George Galloway out of the wrong house. Do not let this happen again.

Yours,
Andrew Taylor

Hello, this isn’t a comic guest strip. It’s a website guest page from me, kanical. Here’s an MSN log from someone who randomly added me, called “Ads”.

Ads: umm hey?
kanical: Who are you?

A long pause while he evidently thinks of a fake ID.

kanical: Cat eats tounge.
kanical: It’s a headline
kanical: “ADS TOUNGE EATEN BY A *CAT*!”
Ads: i am adam, from good old blighty

Blighty eh? I assume he means Blighton, if that’s how you spell it.

kanical: Erm… right
kanical: Explain.
kanical: How did you find my MSN?
Ads: england, dyu know where that is?
Ads: i dunno someone gav it to me

Perfect! A chance to sucker him!

kanical: No! Where is it? Is it famous?!?!
Ads: not rely well known, 5000 miles east of usa, small place
kanical: Really?!?!

Let’s get really mad now.

kanical: They have TV over there?!?!
kanical: it’s probably called a Television device there!

Yes, you just saw an Apathy Sketchpad in-joke.

kanical: Hello?
Ads: um we watch the fire and listen to the radio, but usualy hav to save electricity so just the fire
kanical: Well, that’s nice

I’m feeling daring.

kanical: I live in Guanland

He can’t belive that, can he?!

Ads: i have heard of these television devices, expensive

Damn! He’s getting his ownback! Time to go really, really wild.

Ads: where the hell
kanical: in Guanland.
kanical: we don’t have electrisity there.
kanical: I’m on holiday
kanical: into the USA
kanical: Heard of it? We have ruangledogs there!

How did I think of ruangledogs as a name?

kanical: Hello?
kanical: …

He went offline shortly after. Damn. I spoiled my chance.

From: Praise Uwaoma (praiseuwa1@msn.com)
Mailed-By: msn.com
Reply-To: praiseuwaoma12@yahoo.fr
To: praiseuwa1@msn.com
Date: Jan 14, 2006 11:20 AM
Subject: Yours in Christ

DONATION FOR THE LORD
From: Mrs. Praise Uwaoma

PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD.I am the above name
person from Sierra-Leone. I am married to Dr Theophilus Uwaoma who worked
with Sierra Leonian Embassy in South Africa for nine years before he died in
the year 2001. We were married for eleven years
without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four
days. Before his death we were both born again Christians and we lived
happilly. Since his death, I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside
my matrimonial home which the Bible is really against When my late husband
was alive he secured $15Million (Fifteen Million U.S.Dollars) with financial
institution here in Cote D’Ivoire. Presently, thismoney is still with the
financial institution.

Recently, my Doctor told me that from all the test conducted on my health, I
am not going to lastlong, expecially, due to my cancer and stroke. But
what disturbs me most now is stroke. Having known my condition, I decided
to donate this fund to churches or Christian individual that will utilize
this money the way I am going to instruct. I want a church or individual
that will use this money to fundchurches, Orphanages and Widows.

Also, the propagation of the work of God, building and maintaining the house
of God through this money, is very important. The Bible made us to
understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision
because I don’t have any child that will inherit thismoney and my husband
relatives are not Christians. I don?t want my husband’s hard earned money
to be misused by unbelievers, for their own selfish interest and in an
ungodly manner. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I
know that I am going to be in the bossom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14
says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my
health, and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me
sometimes. I don’t want them to know about this development, but I know that
With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply
I shall give you the contact of the Financialinstitution in Ivory coast. I
will also give you all information regarding thedeposit of this money.

I will also issue you a letter of authority that willempower you as the
original- beneficiary of this fund. I want you and your church to always
pray for me because God work in misterious ways. My happiness is that I
lived a life of a worthy Christian. Who ever that wantsto serve the
Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all
through
your life.

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or
christian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will
act accordingly as I stated here .

Hoping to hear from you soon .

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.

Yours in Christ,

Mrs Praise Uwaoma

How strange. Why would someone wanting you to invest in God approach, of all people, the High Priest of Shazanity? Oh, well, never mind, it’s done now:

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: praiseuwaoma12@yahoo.fr
Date: Jan 14, 2006 3:04 PM
Subject: Re: Yours in Christ

Mrs. Uwaoma

I am suprised and delighted that you would contact me. As High Priest
of the Church of Shazanity I am obviously not a Christian but a
Shazan. I am glad to see such a bridge of friendship between our
churches; after all, we do share many values, such as love, honour,
and a vague distrust of Jews.

The Shazan church is in finincial trouble at the moment, so if we go
ahead with this plan then some of that money would have to be spent
resolving this. The rest would be spent by the Shazan Church on good
causes.

High Priest Andrew

Everyone knows Christians hate Jews. I thought that if she thought I hated Jews too, she’d be very, very happy. I think it worked:

From: praise uwaoma (praiseuwaoma12@yahoo.fr)
Signed-By: yahoo.fr
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Jan 16, 2006 9:47 AM
Subject: Beloved Andrew

Beloved Andrew ,

I am very, very happy reading from you today as I checked my mail .

Beloved Andrew , understand that human beings have no
command to any instruction from our living Almighty, our God have directed me to
you and I, your sister will not go contrary to the law of our Almighty God.

Beloved in the Lord, as you can see that your sister’s life on this
earth is now numbered, please I will like you to contact my lawyer with his
below name and contacts informations to enable you seek advise from him on
how this transfer procedures of this fund to your account will be done, contact
him with all your contact informations for his easier communication
with you.

The World will hear of your good work into the temple of God and our
great Almighty will surely confirm his reward to you by obeying to his call.
YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO FIGHT THIS BATTLE. JUST TAKE UP YOUR POSITIONS AND WAIT; YOU WILL SEE THE LORD GIVE YOU VICTORY. (2 CHRONICLES 20 V 17).

STEPS TO FOLLOW:

Here is contact of my lawyer:
BARRISTER CHRIS JOHNSON
PRINCIPAL ATTORNEY – CHRIS JOHNSON CHAMBERS
TELEPHONE: +225 07 92 84 41
EMAIL: barristerchris_johnson@yahoo.com

Beloved Andrew , try immediately to get back to your sister
after discussing with my lawyer on the Telephone.

May the good God be with you to handle the procedures of receiving this
donation in your account and bless you with his strenght to handle the
donation as he will be instructing you without appling a cheating mind
to his holy kingdom.

Yours beloved sister
Praise

It was the fact my name was always in bold and italics that really made it seem personal. Also the fact that she sent me this email twice. This seemed like a good opportunity to do some networking. The only problem was that I don’t have a sister. Oh well, can’t be helped. I’ll just have to make one up:

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: praise uwaoma (praiseuwaoma12@yahoo.fr)
Date: Jan 16, 2006 12:54 PM
Subject: Re: Beloved Andrew

Mrs. Uwaoma

The bridge of love and understanding between our faiths grows ever
stronger. I took your advice and contacted my sister. She is well and
she wishes you well. She had a son some years ago and he is growing
into a fine young man. She sent me some photos. I shall show you them
when my scanner starts working again.

Our church is having a baked goods sale on Wednesday, in the park near
the Post Office. Perhaps you would like to come? I am sure you would
be welcomed.

High Priest Andrew

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: barristerchris_johnson@yahoo.com
Date: Jan 16, 2006 12:57 PM
Subject: Re: Beloved Andrew

Mr Johnson,

I have been advised to contact you for advice about my sister. Here is
my problem: we went out for a meal together last week (on the advice
of Praise Uwaoma) and I had a mixed grill. My sister had four steaks
and a lobster. She wanted to split the bill 50/50. What should I have
done?

You are a lawyer, you should know what to do.

High Preist Andrew

I never heard back from Praise, unless Chris is also Praise, which seems likely:

From: BARRISTER CHRIS JOHNSON (barristerchris_johnson@yahoo.com)
Signed-By: yahoo.com | Mailed-By: yahoo.com
To: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
Date: Jan 17, 2006 9:09 AM
Subject: BARRISTER CHRIS JOHNSON (PRINCIPAL ATTORNEY)

CHRIS JOHNSON CHAMBERS
SOLICITORS & ADVOCATE OF SUPREME COURT
INTERNATIONAL LAWYERS AND DEFENSE COUNCIL
NO: 46 RUE DU COCODY – ABIDJAN RCI
TEL: 0022507928441 EMAIL: barristerchris_johnson@yahoo.comDATE : 17/01/2006
TO : HIGH PREIST ANDREW

I AM IN RECEIPT OF YOUR MESSAGE WITH UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU ARE THE ONE WHOM MRS. PRAISE UWAOMA HAVE INTRODUCED OFFICIALLY TO MY LAW FIRM AS HER FOREIGN PARTNER WHOM THIS DEPOSITED FUND IN THE FINANCE INSITUTE HERE IN ABIDJAN – IVORY COAST WILL BE TRANSFERRING TO HIS ACCOUNT.

CALL ME ON THE TELEPHONE 00225 (07) 928441 FOR A PROPER CLERIFICATIONS ON HOW EVERYTHING WILL BE HANDLE LEGALLY WITH THE DEPOSITED FINANCE INSITUTE.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

BARRISTER CHRIS JOHNSON (PRINCIPAL ATTORNEY)
CHRIS JOHNSON CHAMBERS – IVORY COAST

What? How does that help me split the bill? He’s not listening to a word I’m saying! Well, two can play at that game…

From: Andrew Taylor (taylor.andrew@gmail.com)
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: BARRISTER CHRIS JOHNSON (barristerchris_johnson@yahoo.com)
Date: Jan 17, 2006 1:29 PM
Subject: Re: BARRISTER CHRIS JOHNSON (PRINCIPAL ATTORNEY)

BARRISTER CHRIS JOHNSON

I took your advice and demanded that my sister paid for her meal, but
she is now insisting that I reimburse her for what she calls my
“Christmas present shortfall”. I bought her a lovely sweater for
Christmas, but she suprised me and bought be three cars and a
speedboat.

My sister is much richer than I am, and is now insisting I pay for two
of the cars and the speedboat. I argued that these items were given as
gifts and couldn’t be taken back now.

Who is right?

Andrew

My only regret is that the only way to see how far you can push these people is to keep pushing until they stop responding.