Apathy Sketchpad

From: Andrew Taylor
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: Coins@thetimes.co.uk, museum@royalmint.gov.uk
Date: Aug 19, 2005 1:44 PM
Subject: New coins ahoy!

I’ve attached new designes for all British coin denominations. I do believe I’ve cracked it.

Andrew

8 attachments

From: Joseph Payne
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Aug 30, 2005 11:27 AM

Dear Mr Taylor

Thank you for taking the trouble to submit eight drawings for the United Kingdom coin design competition.

These will be placed before the judging panel towards the end of the year and I will let you know the outcome as soon as possible after the meeting.

Yours sincerely

Joseph Payne
Assistant Curator

I was quietly confident.

From: Joseph Payne
To: taylor.andrew@gmail.com
Date: Dec 22, 2005 4:01 PM

Dear Mr Taylor

On 8 December the Royal Mint Advisory Committee met to select designs submitted as part of the competition to find new reverses for the United Kingdom coinage. More than 4,000 entries were received from over 500 individuals, and I regret to inform you that on this occasion your artwork has not been chosen.

Your designs were given very careful consideration by members of the Committee and I know they would wish me to thank you warmly on their behalf for taking part in the competition.

Yours sincerely

Joseph Payne
Assistant Curator
Royal Mint

In many ways, it’s their loss.

I’ll never understand why people are so eager to read what happens in soaps and then watch them anyway, but apparently ITV have got the idea, as this excerpt from their website shows:

Meanwhile, the Dingles have raised the alarm and, as the pictures show, the two are found. But is it too late to save them?

Let’s hope so, we’ve come to like the new cheeky Belle!

Well, they’ve nearly got the idea.

Having tired ofbaiting 419 scammers I set my sights a little higher and aimed at an actual published author.

Well, not really. I was directed to The Final Theory, I think by a Google ad. It’s a dreadful book. I’ve only read one chapter and the website, because I’m simply not willing to pay him any money, but that was enough to get the basic idea. He’s pedalling a bunch of pseudo-scientific gibberish (that any scientist could disprove in less than four minutes) as cold hard fact and without a shred of irony, and not only that, but he’s actually stupid enough to give out his email address on the same website.

Well, I figured that is as good as inviting debate, so I started one.

From: Andrew Taylor
Mailed-By: gmail.com
Reply-To: Andrew Taylor
To: MARKM@thefinaltheory.com
Date: 06-Jun-2005 15:20
Subject: Just one question

I’m a physics student, and I’m always interested in new theories,
particularly controversial ones, but I’ve been flipping through
thefinaltheory.com, and I’ve noticed quite a range of errors in your
science, most notably your repeated assertion that gravity should
require a power source, and your claim that scientists don’t know how
magnets cling to fridges. I can explain both these things rather
simply, so I’d just like to know why I should buy a book claiming to
refute major scientific theories authored by a man who clearly doesn’t
understand them.

Solving the great unanswered questions is an amazing achievement, but
solving the great answered questions is less impressive.

Of course, misunderstanding one theory doesn’t necessarily stop anyone
coming up wioth a different one, so I’m intruiged by what theory you
could have come up with, but I can’t bring myself to buy a book that
might just be bad science aimed at spinning out a profit, because I’m
dead against that kind of behaviour.

Andrew

I didn’t honestly expect a reply, but I got one all the same. If just goes to show how little power positive thinking has after all:

From: Mark McCutcheon
To: Andrew Taylor
Date: 09-Jun-2005 02:20
Subject: Re: Just one question

Thank you for your inquiry, Andrew. First, I would suggest that you download
the first chapter from the website and give it a read. The answers that you
feel you have to the questions I pose are, of course, the same “answers” we
are all given in school. I show that these are not actually answers at all,
but diversions that have clear flaws themselves on closer examination.
However, see what you think after reading the first chapter, and if you
don’t agree then this book probably isn’t for you. You may even be able to
get ahold of the book from your local library if expense is your main
concern — I know that it has become popular enough to be carried by many
libraries at this point.

Best regards,
Mark McCutcheon

“The same “answers” we are all given in school”? You mean the correct answers? Yeah, them’s the chaps.

From: Andrew Taylor
Mailed-By: gmail.com
Reply-To: Andrew Taylor
To: Mark McCutcheon
Date: 09-Jun-2005 15:43
Subject: Re: Just one question

If by “school” you mean a four-year physics degree course, then yes, I
learned physics in school. It seemed pointless to discover everything
from first principles when a lot of people far smarter than I had done
the legwork for me.

I have indeed read the first chapter of your book, and you may be
interested to know that I have, just this minute, PROVEN, from first
principles, geometry, and the observed speeds and distances of planets
in our solar system, that K does indeed equal GM. I did it on a side
of A4, with plenty of space to spare. You might wish to write to the
people who bought your book and let them know that that is no longer
the “unsupported and arbitrary assumption” you say it is. If you want
to save some money on stamps I could prove some other things to you
and you could send them all out at once.

Andrew

Oddly enough I never heard from him again.

There’s another (much longer) email discussion with him here, in which he abjectly fails to convince David Ruske that his theory explains orbits. As far as I can tell, Ruske is absolutely right and Mark McCutcheon’s theory is (a) an interesting diversion but not an actual explanation of anything much, and (b) the same theory put forward by several other people, at least one of whom is a cartoonist and not a scientist, but it’s hard to say for certain without actually reading the book, which as I mentioned I’m not willing to do unless I can find a copy for free.

Here is a “lottery” scam I recieved. It is very convincing because “lottery” is spelled correctlij:

From: unlimited23@virgilio.it
Reply-To: unlimited23@virgilio.it
To: unlimited23@virgilio.it
Date: 15-Nov-2005 10:46

DEAR WINNER
RESULTS FOR CATEGORY “c” DRAWS
Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice, the results of the
Category “C” draws of (NATIONALE POSTCODE LOTERIJ).

We are happy to
inform you that you have emerged a winner under the A” Category,
which
is part of our promotional draws.The draws were held prior to
your notification. Participants were selected through a computer ballot
system drawn from 4,000,000 names/email addresses of individuals and
companies from America, Asia, Australia,Africa, Canada, Europe,Middle
East, and New Zealand as part of our International Promotions Program.

You/Your Company, attached to ticket number 3322/6181-22,with serial
number 92-71 drew the lucky numbers 19, 21, 25, 30,41,44 (22), and
consequently won in the Category “C”.

You have therefore been awarded
a lump sum pay out of EURO 850.000 (Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand
Euro) in cash, which is the winning payout for Category “C”winners.

This is from the total prize money of �1.7,000.000 shared among the 2
international winners in this category.

CONGRATULATIONS!
Your funds
are now deposited with A BANK, a reputable BANK, insured in your name.
In your best interest and also to avoid mix up of numbers and names of
any kind, we request that you keep the entire details of your award
strictly from public notice until the process of transferring your
claims has been completed, and your funds remitted to your account.

This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or
unscrupulous acts by participants/nonparticipants of this program.

Please contact your claims officer immediately, to begin your claims
process;
Mr. Arie Knowles
FIDICUARY AGENT
EMAIL: aknowles@k.ro
FAX:
0031-847-393-826
PHONE:0031-622-007-620

For due processing and
remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice.

Remember, you must contact your claims agent not later than two weeks
after the receipt of this mail. After this date,all funds will be
returned as unclaimed.

NOTE: For easy reference and identification
find below your reference and Batch numbers. Note that you are to
forward this email along with your phone and address to the agents in
your first correspondence with them, whether by email.

REFERENCE
NUMBER: GLI/CLOL/CU17-C839213801
BATCH NUMBER: 18309-TH

Congratulations once again from all our staff and thank you for being
part of our promotions program.

Mrs.Apel De Paul Allana
Lottery
Coordinator,

It is always important to allay people’s fears:

From: Andrew Taylor
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: unlimited23@virgilio.it, aknowles@k.ro
Date: 21-Nov-2005 22:33
Subject: Re: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF YOUR WINNING.

Thankyou for informing me that I have won the NATIONALE POSTCODE
LOTERIJ, which I distinctly remember entering. 19, 21, 25, 30,41,44
(22) have always been my lucky numbers and I knew they wouldn’t fail
me. Please rush me my EURO 850.000 (Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand
Euro). I accept PayPal if that would be easier than a long convoluted
claims process.

Andrew

Apparently they don’t allow PayPal transactions at the NATIONALE POSTCODE LOTERIJ:

From: Arie Knowles Mailed-By: k.ro
To: AndrewTaylor
Date: 22-Nov-2005 11:22
Subject: NATIONALE POSTCODE LOTERIJ.

NATIONALE POSTCODE LOTERIJ

Attn: Winner,

We acknowledge the receipt of your email indicating your intention to file
for your lottery-winning prize.

Firstly, our ultimate concern is to ensure that winners receive their
winning prize.

Find attached the Claim Application Form, which must be completed, and sent
back to us via fax or email attachment for verification from NATIONALE
POSTCODE LOTERIJ.

The Claim Application Form allows you to indicate the mode of payment you
prefer and note that our aim is to serve you better and ascertain the
authenticity of a lottery winner.

Upon receipt, you are required to print and fill it correctly and send it
back to us for quick acknowledgment, kindly complete the Claim Application
Form.

We await your prompt response.

Best regards,
Mr. Arie Knowles.
FIDICAL AGENT/VERIFYING
HOUSE

———————————
Targul Online de Joburi . Participa si tu!
http://www.myjob.ro/index.php?m=jobfair

Attached: CLAIM_FORM_ATTACHED.doc (36K)

The attached file all looked very nice, and had places for me to write in my account details, next of kin, name, address, and so on. All very above board and legitimate looking, but there was one small problem. One small assurance they had neglected to offer me:

From: Andrew Taylor
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: Arie Knowles
Date: 26-Nov-2005 20:56
Subject: Re: NATIONALE POSTCODE LOTERIJ.

Dear Ms. Knowles,

Unfortunately I fear I may have to withdraw my claim to my prize on
the NATIONALE POSTCODE LOTERIJ. I have just watched a documentary on
Channel 4 about a loterij winner called Hurley, and I fear my numbers
may be cursed.

Until I recieve reassurance that the winning numbers are not cursed, I
am sadly unable to proceed with this claim.

Yours,
Andrew

I haven’t heard a thing from them since. We lost all communication, as it goes. Oh, well.

Channel 4 are, apparently, conducting “the biggest hoax in the history of space travel”. That’s their claim, and that is precisely what they’re doing: nobody has ever performed a large-scale space-travel related hoax in history, particularly not NASA, and particularly not in 1969. Anyone who claims otherwise is misguided, and, more often than not, an idiot. I suspect they are creationists.

So what’s the idea? Anyone who’s watched TV lately ought to know it, but for people in other countries, people without TVs, and people who’ve spent the three weeks living in what they’ve been told is a Russian military camp, here’s the deal:

From a group of thousands of applicants to an imaginary TV show called “Thrillseekers” (suggested theme music: Thrillseeker by the Divine Comedy), they have been whittled down to only the most ignorant, most gullible, and least claustrophobic nine. These have been joined by some actors to prod them away from any independant thought, and sent to what they believe is Russia but is in fact Suffolk. Next they’ll be given intensive training for what they’ll be told is The Infinite Vaccuum Of Space, but will in fact be the building nextdoor. This is the gist of the much more real TV show called “Space Cadets” (suggested theme music: Life On Earth by the Divine Comedy).

So au revoir joi, bonjour tristesse.
Good times come and they go.
This life owes nobody happiness;
Only pain and sorrow,
So don’t rely on the starry sky.
Screw the universe.
You’d better try to live your life on Earth.
I’m gonna try to live my life on Earth.

Of course, many people have suggested that nobody in their right minds would actually fall for such a preposterous hoax. They go on to claim that Channel 4 are fooling nobody but the British public, and that in fact everybody on the show is an actor. And, as logic goes, it’s fairly sound. The problem is in the implicit assumption that most people are in their right minds.

They’re not.

Most people are idiots. For proof one must only look to Korea. (Well, one needn’t look that far at all, but let’s look to Korea for the time being.) In Korea, they believe in a thing called “Fan Death”. Fan Death is not, as one might assume, a heavy metal band, but is, in fact, a real danger to human life. (Well, they think it’s real. In fact it’s preposterous.) Almost all South Koreans believe in Fan Death, including most doctors and lawyers. About ten cases of Fan Death are reported every year in South Korea. That’s ten more than have ever been reported in the rest of the world combined.

Fan Death is the term for death caused by an electric fan. If you leave the fan on in a sealed room you die. Of Fan Death. Apparently. Some say it’s hypothermia caused by the terribly efficient fan. Some say it’s due to the fan creating a vortex and depriving you of oxygen. Some skeptics (such as me) say that it the cause of death may have been heart attack, the jar of chemicals left open in the sealed room, gunshot, or other mundane and obvious things. But you won’t convince Average Jin to sleep in a sealed room with a fan on.

This is why the Korean man on Lost (suggested theme music: Lost Property by the Divine Comedy) is stupid enough to decinde he’s never speaking to the only other Korean speaking survivor on the island.

The lesson here is that people will happilly believe anything. Anything at all. Because they’re idiots. So why should we think that Channel 4 are capable of convincing nine of them that Suffolk is Russia and a hanger is space? After all, they convinced enough people that “Deal Or No Deal” (suggested theme music: Dumb It Down by the Divine Comedy) is entertaining. They probably got the Derren Brown to help.

He’s real too, by the way. Just so we’re clear.