Today I took the train home from Luton. You know you’re in for a treat when your train ticket has a page two. My proposed route (as proposed by The Train Line took in no fewer than seven stations.

The plan was as follows:

1. Luton to Kings Cross Thameslink, 39 minutes train ride.
2. Kings Cross Thameslink to London Kings Cross. On foot.
3. London Kings Cross to Welwyn Garden City, 24 minute train ride.
4. Welwyn Garden City to Stevenage. 25 minutes. By bus.
5. Stevenage to Doncaster, 87 minute train ride. This leg starts five minutes after the bus is scheduled to arrive at Stevenage.
6. Doncaster to Wakefield Westgate, 19 minute train ride.

Few people believed this was possible.

For convenience, this information is also available in Google Earth format. (If you don’t know what Google Earth is, one obvious way of finding out suggests itself.)

I left Luton station at about quarter past two, on schedule. Luton station is not to be confused with Luton’s other stations, Leagrave and ‘Luton Airport Parkway’. I’m entirely unsure what a parkway is. The only one I have ever heard of is in Mariokart 64 and owned by a gorilla. Luton Station is the shabby one. My train arrived in London, again on time, and I left the station to find London Kings Cross.

The more astute of you will have noticed I haven’t been puttin an apostrophe in “Kings Cross”. This is deliberate. Apparently — by which I mean, according to Wikipedia — “King’s Cross” with an apostrophe refers to the area of London around the station, whose correct name has no punctuation at all. Why? I have no idea.

I’m also informed that there is a tunnel connecting London Kings Cross to Kings Cross Thameslink, via Kings Cross St. Pancras (because heaven knows two stations with the same name isn’t confusing enough), but that this tunnel has been closed since the July 7th attacks. Exactly what threat to security it posed I don’t know, but there you go. In the event, London Kings Cross wasn’t easy to find at first, because someone had incosiderately built a huge plyboard facade in front of it, obscuring it from view, but there’s only so much you can do to hide what is probably the biggest station in the country for very long. I found it with time to spare to catch the next train.

This train took me yo Welwyn Garden City. I have never been to a Garden City before. I wouldn’t be able to tell you what one was, even. I still can’t. But it has a big lovely station, and apparently not a great deal else. I gather the lines between there and Stevenage were being repaired, so the Replacement Bus Service took me there.

It also only has one working lift, which takes hours to go anywhere. The stairs were far more efficient, despite the slightly terrifying noise of the woman behind me, who was dragging her wheeled luggage down the staircase, or perhaps more accurately, running to avoid being mown down by her own clothes.

Luckily, the bus set off fifteen minutes earlier than scheduled (though other buses remained behind, or else this would have been far from lucky for other, equally punctual commuters), so I got to Stevenage in time to catch my next train.

I’ve been to Stevenage once before, and had the tour. I say “the tour”; it wasn’t one laid on by a tourist office, you understand. It was my friend Caroline’s “Stevenage Is A Dump” tour. (For some reason, whenever I travel the length of a country to visit someone they live somewhere nobody would ever want to visit.) It hasn’t changed a bit.

Stevenage station is a strange one. Rather than using departure boards or electronic computer screens like other stations, it uses a more traditional system of men in yellow suits telling people what to do. My stay in Stevenage was scheduled to last five minutes, and while it in fact lasted nearer ten I still don’t think that the four star hotel reccomended to me for this stay by The Train Line was a terribly useful contribution to my trip.

The train to Doncaster was terribly entertaining. There was a family of four sat around a table just behind me amusing themselves by playing poker for little plastic chips. The children’s average age must have been about eight. It got increasingly heated, and may at one point have involved the father threatening to turn the train round and go home, but by far the highlight was the following snippet:
“Ace and a queen is 21.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, in Blackjack an ace and a queen is 21.”
“But we’re not playing Blackjack. We’re playing Aces Wild.”

It was on this train that someone finally thought to check that I had paid for any of this jaunt. (I had.)

One of the problems with train stations is that they only tell you the final destinations of trains, and often refuse to tell you where else they stop until you’re at the platform. In Kings Cross Thameslink that’s no problem; they have a Trains-To-Bedford platform (platform A) and a Trains-From-Bedford platform (platform B), but in a major transportation hub like Doncaster that’s annoying. It took me a second to spot my train on the display, but eventually it started flashing on and off. I was unsure how they knew which one I was looking for, but then I realised that meant the train was boarding and dashed off to find it.

The train ride back to Wakefield Westgate, when such it finally turned out to be, was too short to be of any great interest. Also, although I try not to make a habit of looking at other people’s computer screens, when they’re two feet away from your face for twenty minutes you inevitably catch the odd word that particularly stands out. With that in mind, if you’re reading this, Crazy Jane, hello, and by the way, you have excellent taste in music.

So, I made it. Seven stations in six hours (and five minutes). I am the winner. In your face, various doubters! In. Your. Face! Haha!

Nobody believes me when I tell them this. I don’t know why; maybe they don’t read the news. But they don’t.

The Royal Mint has asked the public for ideas for their new range of coins. The reverse side (tails) of all British coins will be changed and there is an open competition to decide the new designs. So I thought I’d have a go.

According to The Times, chef Marco Pierre White’s suggestion is that the coins should “revert to some of the traditional images used to decorate coins before decimalisation: the thistle, the lion, or Britannia, bearing a sceptre and shield”. Which is, of course, the very images on the 5, 10 and 50 pence pieces already. Idiot.

According to The Times, sculptor Antony Gormley’s suggestion is that the coins should be “certainly not round, and preferably not symmetrical”. Nice plan. Let me know how you get on building a vending machine mechanism to take asymmetrical coinage. Idiot.

I am sure this could reduce crime somehow. Except perhaps fraud. (”No, really, I’d like to buy this house in five pence pieces.”)

There was a requirement that all the coins feature the Queen’s head on the obverse side, hence

This would also help people store 20p pieces, on a small pole in your car, say. You would have to be sure to add the coins with the hole-side facing the pole, however.

People will object to this, but they will get used to it, or else they can carry around four eleven pence pieces, a five pence piece, and a penny.

The Pint is already the de facto currency of all students. This bold move would unify the nation.

You may be interested to know that I have solved popular American drama series Lost.

This contains spoilers, if you have never watched Lost, so if you don’t want to see them, do not read this. Similarly, do not post comments containing events which have not been shown on UK channel E4, as I will ban you from my entire website until all serial dramas I’m even remotely interested in have ended if you do.

Now that’s out of the way, to business:

What is the name of the show?

Lost.

Where are the people?

Lost.

What do you call a Polar Bear in the jungle?

Lost.

So obviously this island is the place that things go to when they get lost. For example, boy loses dog, dog appears on the island. That guy had no problem finding a handful of biros when he needed them, and everyone knows they get lost all the time. Trust me, I’ve figured it all out.

My brother pointed out that Locke lost the use of his legs, and that he found it again when he got to the island. I reckon that mysterious guy in the suit in last night’s episode just got lost in a large office building and turned up there.

Any episode now, they’ll find a huge pile of phone chargers, and maybe a few of the foam dealies that go over earbud headphones.

The only question remaining is, what giant monster has been lost? Ideas, anyone?

Update

My theory about Claire turned out to be wrong; I thought perhaps she’d lost the baby before the flight (which is why she was allowed to fly eight months pregnant) but had found it again on the island. My theory about Hurley though, is still possible. I think, well, I doubt, but I hope that he lost about 50lb before getting on the plane and found it again on the island.

PS. Thanks to Google for backing up my website even though the people hosting it didn’t bother.

I’m really not sure I understand cricket. I though it was a nice, simple, polite game where people are nice to each other and drink a lot of tea. But apparently not.

Quite aside from the fact that it’s in fact full of dirty tricks and nastiness (timewasting just to let the clock tick over so you can get a draw more easily, usually), the rules are preposterously complicated. I only found out this week that LBW is any more complicated than simply “if the batsman’s leg stops the ball hitting the wickets, he’s out”. At least it’s simple enough to understand the off-side. Given those odds, even with Hawkeye and video replays and microphones in the stumps, and three umpires, mistakes are still made more-or-less every other time a decision is taken. That, to me, renders that game largely pointless. You might as well have a Magic 8 Ball in charge of the proceedings.

Cricket remains the only game in history (to the best of my knowledge, anyway) where you can avoid losing using a well-timed rainstorm. If play is rained off it isn’t postponed; it just doesn’t happen. And if that means the game’s a draw (say, because one side have four million and the other have only two but still have three tail-end batsmen not out) then so be it. All your clever tactics in deciding when to declare and when to keep on batting go right out the window the moment a big cloud appears because that could easily cancel the rest of the match, even if it doesn’t actually rain.

And it takes five days to play a game. And they play it in five game series. And sometimes it’s a draw!. They play the game for the best part of a month, and don’t even have a winner. What kind of a game is that? A stupid one, that’s what kind it is.

On Wednesday night I was sat in The Ship with Lizzy, and she put pen to paper and just let it wander. Before long the paper was covered in random doodle, or doodlage, as she would no doubt term it. She then decided to find not one but four pictures in it, one for each way up. Then she demanded I put it on my website, so it could be rotated on-screen. To be honest, I don’t think she ever thought I’d actually bother, but the fact of the matter is I’m not entirely sure I’m physically capable of saying no to her. so here it is:

If anyone can see the aeroplane, please explain it to me, because I remain wholly convinced it isn’t there.

I came up with this after episode 23 of series 4 of popular realtime drama series 24, and I posted it up at Take 24, a site with no content. Now I have posted it here as well, to coincide not with the DVD release of season four, but in fact with my being reminded this existed.

If you haven’t been following the plot of 24, most of this will go over your head. Conversely, if you haven’t seen series four and don’t want it spoiled (insofar as it is possible to spoil things that aren’t very good), you probably shouldn’t read it at all.

For those of you who got through my complicated screening process, I think the Hellers, James, Richard and Audrey, are ripe for a 30-minute sitcom. For those who don’t know, here is a run-down of the principal characters:

James Heller – Secretary of Defense. A get-the-job-done type who gives little quarter.

Audrey Heller-Raines – His daughter and employee. Doesn’t take kindly to his get-the-job-donnery. Prefers emotional responses to logical ones.

Richard Heller – James’ son. Violently disagrees with him about more-or-less everything. In 24, he was tortured a lot until he explained how he accidentally helped the terrorists, and that he was gay.

However, three characters is not normally enough for a sitcom, so obviously it was necessary to invent some new ones and bring back a couple of faces from 24:

Abizar – Mid 30’s, the Hellers’ quirky next door neighbour. Very obviously a terrorist, but the Hellers haven’t noticed. Often seen carrying bombs, satellite dishes, etc.

John Keeler – President of the USA. Often pops round for drinks. Also seen at James’ workplace.

Colin – Colin is a scruffy man in his early 40s with no social skills. He works for James and has a crush on Audrey.

Darren – Richard’s on-and-off boyfriend. Offensively camp, has no other character traits. His running joke is that he like to call Audrey fat.

Jack Bauer – Only appears about once or twice a series, because he commands an enormous fee. Audrey’s Over The Top Ex.

In fact, until series five comes along there’s no reason to assume Jack would ever be allowed near her again, but as I wrote this before I say episode 24 of series 4, I ignored that fact.

Episode One – Synopsis

James is subscribed to a book club by mistake. They send him lots of books which he wisely hoards in a cupboard in case he has to return them. Richard finds them and reads them all, badly creasing the paperback covers. Then the book club realise their mistake and demand James either return or pay for them. Keeler helps out and the problem is solved. Meanwhile, Abizar plots to blow up City Hall, but Audrey inadvertantly thwarts him by losing the laptop he lent her for her accounts.

Episode Two – Synopsis

The Hellers set up their wireless LAN. Abizar’s computer also appears on the network, since it also has a wireless network card. James finds all kinds of suspicious files on its hard disk, but mistakenly believes it to be Richard’s PC. Richard is taken into CTU and tortured for a few hours. (I’m thinking of making this into a running joke.) Richard is acquitted after no evidence is found. Meanwhile, Audrey goes on a date with a hilariously boring man!

Episode Three – Synopsis

James decides to throw a dinner party. He invites President Keeler, and asks the kids to invite someone. Audrey invites Jack, and Richard invites Darren. Richard refuses to sit at the same table as Jack, after he was tortured in 24, so goes and has tea with Abizar. Abizar ropes Richard into helping build a bomb, but Richard thinks it is a barbeque. Darren remains at the party looking sheepish. Also, in a shocking twist, Jack brings along President David Palmer! Palmer and Keeler argue all evening and James declares his party a faliure. As he is leaving, Jack spots Richard with a bomb component and decides he should bring him in for questioning and some light torture.

Episode Four – Synopsis

Audrey does some more work for James, and as a result Colin, distracted because I’ve decided he fancies her, messes up all James’ appointments for the week. Keeler is asked to paint the Hellers’ fence, while the fence painter is consulted on military strategy. Keeler goes along with this because he feels guilty about ordering a missile to blow James to bits in 24, while the fence painter (if possible played by Neil Flynn) orders air strikes against the French, and parts of Canada that speak French. Meanwhile, Richard and Abizar start a feud because they both play their music too loud.

Episode Five – Synopsis

Abizar has ordered the rest of his cell to kidnap Richard and Audrey and take them to a secure location. James notices they are missing and (suspecting nothing) asks Abizar if he has seen them. He says no, and goes to work on a ransom note. In fact, however, they have simply decided to blow off steam and taken a boating weekend. They called home to explain to James, but he was in a meeting. He got back and accidentally deleted their message, and shrugged it off. James is discussing the ransom note with Abizar, pointing out that it is vague and rather stupid. Ransom note version 2 arrives the next day, closely followed by Richard and Audrey, back from their boating weekend. James assumes the ransom note was Richard having a laugh.

Episode Six – Synopsis

Richard gets a big part in a toothpaste commercial. As part of a bet with Abizar, he contrives to get the phrase “the sky is falling” into the commercial. Richard wants his daddy to watch his commercial, but (for reasons that nobody can work out), it seems that every time it’s on, James gets reports of explosions and has to go and investigate. Richard is upset. Meanwhile, Audrey goes on a date with a 36 year old man who still lives with his parents!

Episode Seven – Synopsis

Audrey and Richard both have big dates, but they’re at the same time and they both need to borrow James’ car. Eventually it transpires that their dates are at the same restaurant anyway. Meanwhile, James and Abizar go to the funfair, where Abizar periodically attempts (and fails) to kill James. Hilarious chaos ensues.

Episode Eight – Synopsis

Abizar comes round for tea. After dinner, the family play that strange American version of Pictionary with the easel and a lot of shoting. Audrey and Richard play against Abizar and James. Abizar and James lose because Abizar keeps drawing bombs in simple stick houses to see what government buildings James guesses, and things like that, and making notes of this data. After that, they watch Broken Arrow. James complains constantly that they’re all acting against policy, Richard asks him to be quiet, but Abizar asks him to continue, as he is taking notes.

The one thing I’m not sure about yet is the theme music. I thought about this:

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell you how CTU love toturing Richard Hell-Air.

My relationship with Dad gives me grief,
Because we have different political beliefs.
He just can’t seem to be hard-line enough,
And I’m just a wishy-washy liberal poof.
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood
They blew up one little train and cause quite a stir
When they kidnapped my sister and my Daddy, James Hell-Air.

I begged and pleaded with them day after day,
But they totured me until I told them I’m gay.—

But I just couldn’t think of a way to finish it.

Suggestions?