I know I just did a column that mentioned the Crazy Frog, but I posted this on another website so I thought it only fair to post it here as well. It’s to the tune of Coldplay’s Clocks:
Speed Of Sound, just won’t sell,
The Crazy Frog, has done too well,
Puts us down, to number two,
And now there’s nothing we can do, singing
Should we go, back to our roots,
And re-release, Parachutes, with a
Dance mix, of Politik, and the
Video for Don’t Panic, singing
A DING DING DING DING
BOOOM BOM BIM BIM!
WOH, WOH, WOOOOOOAH!
If you won’t, buy our CD,
Then we will have, to try plan “B”, singing
Get Coldplay on your phone,
Text “CLOCKS” to 86641, singing
Might we, postpone our death,
If we too covered Axel F, in
Our own, distinctive way,
That would make it sound, like In My Place, singing
A DING DING DING DING
BOOOM BOM BIM BIM!
WOH, WOH, WOOOOOOAH!
I have just finished the hardest exam of my life. It was a resit of an exam I’ve already failed once, so it seems likely that I’m not very good at it. Also, since the resits only roll around every year, it meant that I hadn’t studied the subject for a little over a year.
With that in mind, I sat down yesterday to revise, only to learn that I don’t, in fact, have any of the notes. Where they could have gone to is a mystery, but I can only assume that they’re with my red pen now.
It’s certainly a mystery to me. These are notes. A stack of A4 paper, with a treasury tag through it, with information about superconductors all over it. It’s not something you’d take down the pub and lose, or lend to a friend, or break and have to throw away. You keep them. But then they vanish inexplicably. Oh, well.
So I arrive at the exam with about three seconds to spare, and start reading the paper. I answered about 75% of the questions — so if I got half of that right I’ve managed a respectable fail. I’ve decided to count it as a moral victory if I beat anybody at all. Simon is my insurance policy on that one. Every exam last year his name was at the bottom of the list. He didn’t beat anyone at anything at all.
How he manages that is a mystery as well.
This is a letter that has been going around the internet lately, concerning the new BBC weather maps that by all accounts are very nice.
BBC News today (May 16) introduces revamped weather reports, using new computer-generated maps. These are undeniably more entertaining than before. But they also do Scotland serious harm. The old BBC weather charts used a standard Grid projection. The new-style maps use a perspective view taken from above the island and well to the south. This results in massive geographical distortion, such that the image of England (actually 50,000 square miles) occupies a graphical area at least 10 times that of Scotland (30,000).
Does this matter? Very much so.
For example, a country’s economic importance is partly determined by its land mass. The BBC’s weather maps are probably the most widely and regularly viewed representations of UK geography. Reinforced many times a day for years and perhaps decades, domestic and business viewers at home and abroad will be subliminally taught that Scotland is a tiny backwater of the UK.
The maps powerfully convey where the centre of things lies, and which parts are peripheral. But where there are losers there are also winners. So, while Scotland shrinks dramatically, the area whose status gains most is England’s south-west – home of the Met Office in Exeter, Devon.
The BBC is a national broadcaster, and has a duty to treat the nation’s regions on a fair and equal footing. Such blatant distortion is insulting and damaging and is entirely unacceptable. I urge readers to protest to the BBC, to Ofcom, and to their parliamentarians, to demand an immediate revision.
Dr Nick Fiddes, managing director, Scotweb Marketing Ltd, 13a Albert Terrace, Edinburgh.
I would love for it to be my job to respond to this kind of letter.
Dear Mr Fiddes,
In a 3D projection, one end of the country must necessarily be larger than the other. To make Scotland larger would require the entire map to be upside down. This would confuse stupid people. There are more stupid people in Britain than there are Scottish people, and their needs must therefore come first. Also, nobody cares about your concerns and I would hope your parliamentarians have better uses for their time than reorienting weather maps to suit your percieved grievances. You probably have bad hair.
Andrew Taylor
Ofcom.
