Apathy Sketchpad

There is a new cartoon on TV at the moment, which you may have noticed, or even watched. It goes by the unlikely name of “Spongebob Squarepants”, and makes exactly as much sense as one would expect from a programme with that name, that is, none at all.

I’ve been told it’s very good, but unfortunately I cannot physically sit down and watch it without being sarcastic. As far as I can tell the eponymous hero is a sea sponge (with arms and legs and eyes, but I’m not going to criticise that, since it’s a cartoon, and because there are far more important things to criticise), who works in a burger bar at the bottom of the Pacific. So let’s start there. Water is an excellent thermal conductor, and therefore it would be impossible to grill underwater. That isn’t a problem, though, because you don’t have any burgers to grill, since there are no cows at the bottom of the sea. Those, however, are details that people without my scientific education might miss (I learned about the cows on National Geographic), but don’t fear, the writers and animators have kindly added lots more mistakes which are more accessible to the ignorant masses such as yourself. SpongeBob’s boss routinely lights cigars underwater. SpongeBob, when he manages to get into difficult situations, will break into an underwater sweat, in which the sweat forms crisp droplets, and falls downward (since sweat is denser than seawater). In real life, the sweat would of course disperse in a very pretty but very hard to animate kind of a way, but then in real life a SCUBA kit does not allow rats to live underwater in perpetuity, so today’s lesson is that real life has nothing to do with SpongeBob SquarePants.

The one thing, though, that puzzles me above all else about SpongeBob Squarepants is: Who came up with it? Presumably at some point somebody had to say to their boss “I’ve got this idea for a show. It’s about a sea sponge with square pants, who works in a burger bar. I call it SpongeBob SquarePants”. And presumably their boss must have said “That sounds like a good idea”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s not a good programme. I’m just sure it’s not as good a programme as the people at the Church of Spongebob think it is. They have put in a lot of effort, and seem to be part way through the arduous task of turning every episode into a holy text. So, if you’re ready, eddy, eddy to join “a church that finds joy in the little things in life, and isn’t afraid to say so,” then feel free. But if Spongebob turns out not to be God, you might look rather silly. Still, probably better that than you join the Church of Bubble, whose site hasn’t been updated in the last two years, due largely to their Lord’s total and complete failure to do anything of note since leaving the Big Brother house.